Just to add his ex is normally at school as well when he goes to collect them as she has another child with her current husband at the same school. She will often try to approach him about things at the school. He’s due to pick them up from school tomorrow, so it wouldn’t surprise me if she’s there and trying to say something after what she has sent him today.
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Non-molestation is it warranted?
- Thread starter KF31
- Start date
Being a partner to someone with a mentally unhealthy ex is extremely stressful.
By no means would I suggest it's a worse situation than for the dad.
We grow fond of and even in our own way love our partners children. But obviously it will never be as strong as the dads feelings.
But we have a front row seat to the insanity and it's extremely frustrating and saddening to witness allegations, bad mouthing and lies towards someone we love.
I am not some naive young girl who is blindly going along with an abusive man. I've seen every nasty message, been supportive through every court hearing and been witness to events that have been twisted into these huge 'violent' incidents without being able to help.
We've had so called friends and family show doubt in believing my partner. Which in turn says volumes about what they think about me.
Thankfully my family have welcomed my partner with open arms and they've been a great moral support.
In the early days the exes make allegations to try and scare off the new partner. When that doesn't work the court proceedings begin. Then they start putting in claims the kids are safe with dad even if the partner is present.
I'm not deemed good enough (mothers opinion) to 'supervise' my partner because of an allegation made over 2 years ago, which the judge threw out!!
Sorry for the ramble but it's in support of this situation.
We all (dads, partners, kids) just want to get on with life but one mentally unstable person just can't let go.
In the meantime, we note down incidents and try as best as we can to get on with life.
By no means would I suggest it's a worse situation than for the dad.
We grow fond of and even in our own way love our partners children. But obviously it will never be as strong as the dads feelings.
But we have a front row seat to the insanity and it's extremely frustrating and saddening to witness allegations, bad mouthing and lies towards someone we love.
I am not some naive young girl who is blindly going along with an abusive man. I've seen every nasty message, been supportive through every court hearing and been witness to events that have been twisted into these huge 'violent' incidents without being able to help.
We've had so called friends and family show doubt in believing my partner. Which in turn says volumes about what they think about me.
Thankfully my family have welcomed my partner with open arms and they've been a great moral support.
In the early days the exes make allegations to try and scare off the new partner. When that doesn't work the court proceedings begin. Then they start putting in claims the kids are safe with dad even if the partner is present.
I'm not deemed good enough (mothers opinion) to 'supervise' my partner because of an allegation made over 2 years ago, which the judge threw out!!
Sorry for the ramble but it's in support of this situation.
We all (dads, partners, kids) just want to get on with life but one mentally unstable person just can't let go.
In the meantime, we note down incidents and try as best as we can to get on with life.
"Then they start putting in claims the kids aren't safe with dad even if the partner is present."
There you go Peanut, edited for you ;-)
SS.
There you go Peanut, edited for you ;-)
SS.
I completely agree, the stress it causes is unreal. I’m normally quite strong about it, my partner has had low moments and I’m normally the one that will say it’s fine and we’ll fight through whatever she throws at us. In his second court case his barrister told him to record everything, so after that case I recorded every interaction he had with his ex or anyone relating to her, whether that was in person, by text or by email. It came in very useful when he went to court for the third time. My partners not very good with paperwork and writing things up, so for his third case I wrote all his documents and made his bundle. I did hours of research to make sure I was doing things right and the best I could for him.
Now that his ex has kicked off again it’s my partner reassuring me that things will be ok. I think because of the outcome of the last case I just feel like his ex now just thinks that she can do what she wants and probably will and there will be no end to it. Especially as she’s already kicking off and it’s only been 2 months since the case ended. The thought that this will only end in 7 years when the children are no longer under a court order just seems forever away. I’m normally at work when he’s collecting the children and dropping them off and i’m sat worrying until he messages me to let me know if the ex approached him and if anything was said. I already feel stressed and worried about him collecting the children today and it’s still a few hours away.
Thanks SS
And while you're waiting for their text to say things ok they get distracted with chatting to other parents or other things so you end up getting more stressed. No matter how demanding your job, it's still difficult to distract the worry. This is something I think men are better at. Men are better at focusing on something and compartmentalising (generalisation).
Just know the people on this forum know how you feel. I'll be thinking of you at school pick up time.
Just know the people on this forum know how you feel. I'll be thinking of you at school pick up time.
Yes there’s been plenty times he’s not been able to let me know if everything’s ok until he’s got the children back to his and the wait feels like forever.
Thank you, hopefully she won’t turn up and someone else will pick her child up, I can but hope.
I understand the worry Ash. It can be a volatile encounter, it isn't going to be "hey, how ya doin', isn't 'Jonny' doing well at school". It will be vitriolic, stand-off ish at best and potentially incendiary. All in front of parents and carers. Not a pleasant place to be, albeit perfectly necessary to collect from school.
SS.
It’s not the worry of her talking to him about normal child related things, I would have no problem if she communicated with him normally, it’s how she talks to him and what she says and the unknown if she will try and start throwing accusations that he’s done something he hasn’t like she’s done before. She’s previously got people to lie for her to back her up. In his second court case she went to court with her oldest daughters grandmother who’s an ex social worker. After one of the hearings he drove past her in his car, next thing the police turn up at his house. She had reported him for trying to run her over after court and her daughters grandmother had also given a statement saying the same. Luckily there was CCTV that proved otherwise, but what does it say when even an ex social worker is willing to lie to the police? So I have concerns she could say absolutely anything.
As stay strong has said the majority of her interaction with him are volatile. With handovers only being at school since recently, nothing too bad has been said there yet, but when he’s receiving messages claiming he’s done something he hasn’t I can’t help but worry that shes going to be at the school waiting to kick off with him and cause a scene. Thankfully she wasn’t there today and sent someone else to collect her child so any confrontation was avoided.
Maybe I’m just sounding like I’m worried about nothing, but I can’t pretend that her actions and the whole situation doesn’t worry me and cause stress cause it does.
It does cause a lot of anxiety when you've had allegations before. But if you think of it this way - this is how she is controlling you - so it can help to think - ok do your worst it makes no difference. I used to worry more when my ex went quiet for a while - because she was usually plotting something machievellian.
I always stood at one side of the playground with the odd Grandad there to pick kids up. If the ex comes over to him she's hardly going to create a scene in public, but if she did he'd have good reason to ask the school to arrange for him to pick up at a different entrance or slightly earlier or later. The last thing the school wants is drama in the playground.
I always stood at one side of the playground with the odd Grandad there to pick kids up. If the ex comes over to him she's hardly going to create a scene in public, but if she did he'd have good reason to ask the school to arrange for him to pick up at a different entrance or slightly earlier or later. The last thing the school wants is drama in the playground.
You'd hope. But not always so.
3 years ago my partners son had a show thing after school that parents could go to. The ex told my partner about it. He asked if I wanted to go. I did. It may have been the last time I spoke to the psycho ex. Exchanged pleasantries. Son took my hand and led me off to show me something. This ignited the psycho flame. Aggressivly in front of other parents she asked my partner why he was there and he shouldn't be. We soon left. It started off as a nice example to his son how adults can behave politely into her getting moody and 2 of us abruptly leaving.
Such a shame that she felt the need to behave like that and take away what could have been a positive experience for the child.
My partners ex has ranted and raved at him in the street with members of the public walking past so I don’t think she’d have any issue at having a go at him at the school. When she starts off on him I don’t think she can stop herself. At school she has other parents there that she’s friends with, one of them being her best friend, whereas my partner knows none of the other parents, so I think she’d feel comfortable enough to kick off. Maybe not cause a scene big enough to provoke the teachers attention, but she definitely wouldn’t think twice to mouth off at him out of ear shot of the teachers.