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Narcissists…

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Nujra Rof

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Hey guys,

Hope everyone is well.

I guess I’m feeling quite sad - after some online research post filing for divorce I’ve come to the realisation that my STBX is a text book narcissist :(

My worry is what will happen with the kids when they are with her? Like she is good with them most of the time but loses her rag so easy! And a lot of what I would say stressful questions that really shouldn’t be asked of children as young as mine eg. “Whose your best friend - mummy or daddy”

How will the kids handle this when I’m not around to step in, or will they grow up wanting to “please” her as that’s how she operates with people around her judging, criticising and gossiping about people.

Anyone have any experience of life after divorce sharing children with such a person?

Thank you
 
Nujra Rof said:
Hey guys,

Hope everyone is well.

I guess I’m feeling quite sad - after some online research post filing for divorce I’ve come to the realisation that my STBX is a text book narcissist :(

My worry is what will happen with the kids when they are with her? Like she is good with them most of the time but loses her rag so easy! And a lot of what I would say stressful questions that really shouldn’t be asked of children as young as mine eg. “Whose your best friend - mummy or daddy”

How will the kids handle this when I’m not around to step in, or will they grow up wanting to “please” her as that’s how she operates with people around her judging, criticising and gossiping about people.

Anyone have any experience of life after divorce sharing children with such a person?

Thank you
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am in the same boat bud
 
Nujra Rof said:
:/
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Its really odd bud. To the extent that when I told my therapist about it, she said she was "weirded out for me!

But...... I play nice as it is best for the children to see us being amicable....... even after she tried and nearly has broke me and isnt finished yet
 
Oneofmany said:
Its really odd bud. To the extent that when I told my therapist about it, she said she was "weirded out for me!

But...... I play nice as it is best for the children to see us being amicable....... even after she tried and nearly has broke me and isnt finished yet
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Fair play - can only imagine how hard it is.
 
Hey mate,

What is your current arrangement?
are you split or taking from still being together?
Why would you say your partner is a narc?

Sorry to hear all this! Keep strong 💪
 
You can't change the ex. The kids will develop their own ways of adapting to each parent once you're separated. The important thing, is that they get significant and regular time with you as that will help them have normality and develop their own critical thinking skills and give them the stability they need. They will cope fine.

I also worried about my son at ex's. She could be really nasty. He learned how to manage her, and coming to me was an escape. But he still loved his Mother. It's not all bad. They can't choose their parents. None of us can :-) But at least with two separate homes they get an alternative perspective which is good for their development.
 
Ash said:
You can't change the ex. The kids will develop their own ways of adapting to each parent once you're separated. The important thing, is that they get significant and regular time with you as that will help them have normality and develop their own critical thinking skills and give them the stability they need. They will cope fine.

I also worried about my son at ex's. She could be really nasty. He learned how to manage her, and coming to me was an escape. But he still loved his Mother. It's not all bad. They can't choose their parents. None of us can :-) But at least with two separate homes they get an alternative perspective which is good for their development.
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I guess we see her as the narcissist but to the kids it’s the only mum they’ll have…

Just hope I don’t get painted at the bad guy in all this or worse kids buy into her pressure tactics of competing for her affection etc and think by being nice to me or about me they’re letting her down
 
Nujra Rof said:
I guess we see her as the narcissist but to the kids it’s the only mum they’ll have…

Just hope I don’t get painted at the bad guy in all this or worse kids buy into her pressure tactics of competing for her affection etc and think by being nice to me or about me they’re letting her down
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I always remind myself of how many years it took me to develop a proper understanding of how my ex functions. The things I made excuses for and the benefit of the doubt I gave her so many times. I was already an adult at the beginning! My ex still managed to exercise control over me against my better judgement. Our kids need to realise what they are dealing with from their own experience.
 
Resolute said:
I always remind myself of how many years it took me to develop a proper understanding of how my ex functions. The things I made excuses for and the benefit of the doubt I gave her so many times. I was already an adult at the beginning! My ex still managed to exercise control over me against my better judgement. Our kids need to realise what they are dealing with from their own experience.
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Yes dealing with her is like having a third child but a teenager
 
Nujra Rof said:
No, they’re innocent and hope to keep it that way that’s all
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I hear you. And yes at that age they are innocent. However, once at school, a lot of that innocence disappears very quickly! I was gobsmacked the things my son heard about and came out with - in particular his swear word vocabulary.
 
Ash said:
I hear you. And yes at that age they are innocent. However, once at school, a lot of that innocence disappears very quickly! I was gobsmacked the things my son heard about and came out with - in particular his swear word vocabulary.
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Was this high school presumably?

Mean they all look like babies in the primary school….
 
And I guess vocabulary is one thing, I guess it’s a greater understanding, and more so processing, of what is really going on at home. The pressure the mum might be that for them will become normal life as that’s all they will experience with her (not all, but the underlying approach from her will be of that). Will they come to accept it or will they over time realise it’s not something they like or have to accept just because it’s from mum, as dad is always consistent and calm, understanding, relaxed and not pressured…
 
Sadly it's almost the kids fate to have their mother be the way she is.
I think in time as they get more life experience and their brains develop they'll see something isn't quite right with mum.
The frustrating thing is that you can't tell them their mum is a narcissist. No-one can tell them as it's an inbuilt mechanism to stick up for your mum.
 
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