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Narc ex refusing to communicate

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Ford209

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Hello all

Back again! So the ex has taken exception to being asked to communicate by email only from now on, due to the volume of texts coming to my phone. Upon telling her this she responded with “I want to carry on by text as there’s never been an issue” although her first letter from her solicitor before courts stated that I needed to “refrain from sending abusive messages” (untrue). I have told her all texts unless an emergency to do with the children will be ignored and I will be communicating by email only.

In our child arrangement order Easter holidays are stated as “one week with mother on week with father”.

I have now sent 2 emails to her asking to communicate with me to sort this last holiday out that isn’t arranged. No response.

I guess what I’m asking is what do I do next if she doesn’t respond? I thinking give her a week then send a solicitors letter followed by a specific issue order if needed? I believe this is an attempt at testing my resolve and how far I’m prepared to go to preserve the order.
 
Sounds like a classic move to me.

They need to know everything you do but give nothing away.

Send her an email saying you need to know by the end of next week (Friday 4pm) which week she wants of Easter.

Are you in the middle of any hearings? You could apply for specific issues order and attach all the emails you've sent.

It's dreadful it needs to go to these lengths isn't it?

My other half has a similar situation as the ex wants to take the kids away over whole of Easter but they're still between hearings so nothing finalised.
She won't tell my partner even simple details. It's so frustrating.
 
Peanut 21 said:
Sounds like a classic move to me.

They need to know everything you do but give nothing away.

Send her an email saying you need to know by the end of next week (Friday 4pm) which week she wants of Easter.

Are you in the middle of any hearings? You could apply for specific issues order and attach all the emails you've sent.

It's dreadful it needs to go to these lengths isn't it?

My other half has a similar situation as the ex wants to take the kids away over whole of Easter but they're still between hearings so nothing finalised.
She won't tell my partner even simple details. It's so frustrating.
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Ours is concluded and we have the child arrangement order in place. It only stipulates for Easter “one week with mother one week with father”. We are trying to pin down who’s having what week and aren’t in particular bothered as this far out we can move plans. It’s more to get the only variable for the year sorted so we all know where we are. But because I’ve said I won’t communicate by text I think she’s just being awkward trying to find some control. Just want to know what next steps I should be taking as I’m not prepared to sit and wait till Easter is almost here to sort it and then not be able to do anything with the children
 
Hmm difficult isn't it.

I guess if you did apply for a specifics issue order your reasoning would be:

1) emailed ex over 3 times (I think 3 times as a minimum shows a pattern of being disruptive) to try to resolve between you.

2) the ex has insisted on communicating by text but as you've been accused of being abusive in texts before you have emailed her. She has ignored your emails even after you have texted to say you'll only communicate through email.

That way she can't say something like "oh I rarely look at my emails" or "he never told me he sent an email".
 
Is there anything in the order that says communication will be by email? If not then she has just taken a stance and is refusing to do what you ask.

Prioritising - I would get Easter holidays sorted first and then tackle the communication method. Ok so it will mean having to swallow pride to now send a text but just get the Easter holidays sorted.

Yoo wouldn’t have grounds for a specific issues order unless you have a holiday booked for a week that had been agreed previously. As some ex’s seem to like preventing you booking holidays, they can be difficult to pin down on agreeing a week.

So maybe just send a biff email (brief, informative, friendly formal). These support your case if you do end up having to go to court at some point - otherwise they just see two people arguing. Eg

“Hi

Re the Easter holidays - one week with each parent. I propose collecting the children from school on Friday xth for the first week, and dropping them off Friday xth at 5pm. I am happy for you to have the second week with the Easter bank holidays this year. The last week end of the holidays would then be a usual scheduled weekend. Please can you confirm if this is agreed. Thank you.

As regards communication by text, email or otherwise - maybe we can discuss this at some point.”

Easter is always an issue if the order doesn’t say the weeks are alternated annually. Ex’s usually want the bank holiday days.
 
It would mean you have Good Friday and she has Easter Sunday and Monday..
 
Ash said:
Is there anything in the order that says communication will be by email? If not then she has just taken a stance and is refusing to do what you ask.

Prioritising - I would get Easter holidays sorted first and then tackle the communication method. Ok so it will mean having to swallow pride to now send a text but just get the Easter holidays sorted.

Yoo wouldn’t have grounds for a specific issues order unless you have a holiday booked for a week that had been agreed previously. As some ex’s seem to like preventing you booking holidays, they can be difficult to pin down on agreeing a week.

So maybe just send a biff email (brief, informative, friendly formal). These support your case if you do end up having to go to court at some point - otherwise they just see two people arguing. Eg

“Hi

Re the Easter holidays - one week with each parent. I propose collecting the children from school on Friday xth for the first week, and dropping them off Friday xth at 5pm. I am happy for you to have the second week with the Easter bank holidays this year. The last week end of the holidays would then be a usual scheduled weekend. Please can you confirm if this is agreed. Thank you.

As regards communication by text, email or otherwise - maybe we can discuss this at some point.”

Easter is always an issue if the order doesn’t say the weeks are alternated annually. Ex’s usually want the bank holiday days.
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I have sent a biff email and this is the third one I have sent. There is no stipulation of how to communicate in order so it is her literally going “you’re ignoring my texts I’m ignoring your emails”, but her texts are pointless and nothing to do with the legalities around the kids. Bank holidays were stipulated at half each so one would have Good Friday one would have Easter Monday. I have put a proposal that will give us each a good chunk of time with the children (less to ing and fro ing for girls) and takes care of equal time with each and equal bank holidays each.
 
Unfortunately things like the communication are matters which you’re supposed to be seen to be co parenting reasonably about. For any future applications it stands you in good stead to show you’re the reasonable one who seeks polite solutions. Even if you don’t achieve then that communication does you a lot of favours as evidence in future. Otherwise Judges tend to think both parents are as bad as each other.

I maybe misunderstood Peanuts message above (although posted at the same time). You could apply for specific issues over communication method - but not over the holidays unless something was pre agreed and booked.

Not sure it would be worth applying for specific issues over emails and texts though unless you have tried alternatives. Maybe you could propose a co parenting app.

Anyway if the order says Easter week end alternates, then that in itself should dictate who has which week. Easter holidays are about 18 days usually from end of term to start of next term. If it says one week each then that means the first week end or last week end is part of the term time schedule. If it’s the first weekend then the weeks run Monday to Monday. If it’s the last week end they run Friday to Friday. It also means one parent might get a slightly longer stint if it’s their week end at the beginning and end.

Is this the first year under the order for Easter holidays? If so then suggest offering her the second week and suggesting the weeks run Friday to Friday.

Don’t suppose it says in the order what day the weeks start on?

Are there any other holidays to be agreed on this way or just Easter?
 
Ash said:
Unfortunately things like the communication are matters which you’re supposed to be seen to be co parenting reasonably about. For any future applications it stands you in good stead to show you’re the reasonable one who seeks polite solutions. Even if you don’t achieve then that communication does you a lot of favours as evidence in future. Otherwise Judges tend to think both parents are as bad as each other.

I maybe misunderstood Peanuts message above (although posted at the same time). You could apply for specific issues over communication method - but not over the holidays unless something was pre agreed and booked.

Not sure it would be worth applying for specific issues over emails and texts though unless you have tried alternatives. Maybe you could propose a co parenting app.

Anyway if the order says Easter week end alternates, then that in itself should dictate who has which week. Easter holidays are about 18 days usually from end of term to start of next term. If it says one week each then that means the first week end or last week end is part of the term time schedule. If it’s the first weekend then the weeks run Monday to Monday. If it’s the last week end they run Friday to Friday. It also means one parent might get a slightly longer stint if it’s their week end at the beginning and end.

Is this the first year under the order for Easter holidays? If so then suggest offering her the second week and suggesting the weeks run Friday to Friday.

Don’t suppose it says in the order what day the weeks start on?

Are there any other holidays to be agreed on this way or just Easter?
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Just Easter. Everything else is covered as we kind of have a half term each, main holidays weeks are stipulated and the one shared holiday other than Easter is stipulated how it is split. I have proposed (as it’s her week running into Easter and I will be unavailable to collect them Friday 7pm ) that I have the second week Friday to Friday then they are returned to her for the weekend and Monday school run at which point the term time schedule starts again with me collecting them from school. It stipulates shared holidays the weeks are Friday 7pm to Friday 7pm.

I have sent 3 biff emails and her first solicitor letter to me before the case stated that I was to refrain from sending abusive messages so I am using a medium that can’t be altered and has one click send to legal reps and court if needed.
 
Ok so it has to be Friday to Friday. That means the second week would include most of the Easter bank holiday. Have you tried asking her to choose which week she wants this year? It puts the ball in her court. They usually want the Easter bank holiday week end. If she still doesn’t commit to a decision then you could try this

“As I have not heard from you I am taking it that you don’t agree to my having the children for the second week and will therefore collect at 7pm on Friday xxxxth for the first week.

Sounds like she won’t reply if you send an email though as she’s being difficult.

TBH I don’t think it matters whether it’s by text or email - just be careful to keep the tone and language polite and brief and businesslike then you can’t be accused of sending abusive messages.

You could try something like Our family wizard ongoing. It’s not free but it has calendars and a tone filter for messages and is acceptable to courts.
 
Give it a couple of days after your latest message. You might need to send a solicitor letter or message her solicitor to get it arranged. Next year it will be clear who has which week as it’ll be the opposite.
 
Ash said:
Give it a couple of days after your latest message. You might need to send a solicitor letter or message her solicitor to get it arranged. Next year it will be clear who has which week as it’ll be the opposite.
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Thank you for the solid advice as always. Exactly what I was thinking give her a few days to respond to this one then if not send a solicitors letter. I feel she will be looking to test my resolve a couple of times before accepting the order is the way things are now. I suppose with this being the first year we are all muddling through too but I do feel the non stipulation on who has what weeks at Easter was a way to maintain a minute bit of control
 
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Just out of interest, why we he not put a deadline against the message and default the situation?

If I have not heard from you by 7pm on Friday, I assume this will be fine and we will make arrangements accordingly.

If the default arrangement doesn't give her the Bank Holidays, surely she'd be likely to respond to get it?
 
I was planning that next but didn’t want to come across as forceful should things end up back in court.
 
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It's best to avoid court if you can - but she really should commit to one week or the other! If she doesn't then you do have evidence for any future variation needed.
 
I have no option if she won’t commit. She can’t be thinking that ignoring something means she gets both weeks or that she can choose unilaterally though surely?
 
My experience of this kind of behaviour is they leave it right till the last minute and then tell you you're having the first week. I think a solicitor's letter should do the trick though. I'd still give her a couple of days first though.
 
Well still no reply so I’m conducting a little experiment before solicitors letter goes out. I have sent the ex wife a communication regarding our girls dancing club and the amount we split every month. This is changed by a little bit this month. If the correct amount goes into my bank account I will then be sending a solicitors letter as I will have evidence that communications to that email address are being read and the ones about Easter are being deliberately ignored
 
Well experiment worked as planned. She’s reading emails as she changed the amount for dancing that I sent via email. Do I give her one last email or just send a solicitors letter ?
 
How many emails so far?

Maybe a last ditch one so it's not too obvious what you did and looks more matter of fact
 
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