McKenzie friend

[Ash]

That is very useful for everyone Hacked off Dad. For me it's either - do it alone or use a barrister. I don't trust solicitors any more either. There are some good ones but they are hard to find. Unless you have money. For people with plenty of money, using a good solicitor and barrister team makes your life easier. Solicitors like people with money who don't mind lots of bills being run up. I have had three bad experiences with solicitors. The last one was the best of the bunch and very good in some ways - but very bad in others (far too many mistakes, which funnily enough, led to me running up another large bill). On one occasion I objected to some things charged for and asked them to recalculate the bill. I got an abrupt response saying I had to pay the bill or they could go further with it, so it had to be paid and then query anything afterwards. Not good. Of course once they have the money it's very difficult to get any kind of refund.

You're right, we are in a vulnerable situation, desperate even, and need help. The legal profession are logical and doing a job in a fairly rubbish system with a bias and the bias is still - Mum's have residency of kids - you're a secondary parent - the attitude is awful.

I did read some very good advice somewhere to not fall into the trap of using a solicitor as a counsellor as you'll just run up bills. Get a counsellor for support through it (and this can be free with a GP referral - there's a waiting list but if you say you're willing to accept a cancellation and short notice appointment it can be quite quick). So a sympathetic solicitor might be - well, sympathetic - but at the end of the day you need a court order for the least amount of money in the least amount of time.

I am sure there are some good McKenzie friends but it's a minefield.

Concerned Dad. Your example shows that a "McKenzie friend" needs to be someone

a) You can trust
b) Free
c) Someone who can do shorthand!
d) Who is a support basically

Not an unqualified legal person giving you advice that may be wrong.

I am sure it is helpful to have someone with you who can take notes and their presence is a support. But ultimately you're still doing it yourself - with or without a McKenzie friend. It's a situation ripe for abuse, sadly as I am sure there are some committed ones. The fact they charge is my concern. The same goes with counsellors. Many are not particularly qualified or regulated - go via a referral.

The answer to the question posed in the BBC’s podcast, can anyone call themselves a counsellor or psychotherapist, is yes.

Why aren’t more professions regulated? |

www.hcpc-uk.org

As ever - buyer beware.

It's why support groups are needed (and this is not profit making)

 

[Concerned-Dad]

So the ex turned up without a solicitor and wanted the baby back for visits daily but the judge said two days a week for two hour supervised was enough.

The judge basically said her drinking was un excusable and having the baby back unsupervised was a no.

Its down to her now to show that she is willing to quit drinking. I hope she does.

Ex made some baseless claims that were dismissed.

So now the next hearing is a FHDRA in 2023. I will now have to wait for the CAFCASS call

Judge said our son will not be moving away from me as its clear he is safe with me and settled. The judge said that without this, if she messes it up, argues with her sister to try and take him for example there will be no contact at all.

So now the next hearing is a FHDRA in 2023. I will now have to wait for the CAFCASS call.

In the meantime though the ex has phoned and is saying she was considering giving me full custody if I would agree to let him see her more (supervised by myself). Im not really comfortable with that while shes still drinking but it could be a possibility if she stops. Id have to be 100 percent sure she has fully stopped though. Not just abstained for a day but really stopped.

 

[Resolute]

You supervising her time could be a can of worms. It would create a whole load of situations where it is just your word against her's. It might also give the court an impression that you do not see a big problem here.

Sorry if I missed something, but why isn't a contact centre being considered? It is commendable that you hope she will turn things around and play an active part. But I suggest you do not remove barriers created by her shortcomings, that is her job.

 

[Ash]

I would stick to what is in the court order. I seem to remember you saying the Judge saying no to her when she wanted more time - yes it could turn into a can of worms.

I would just send a very polite text saying something like

"For the moment it's better that we follow the order the court made and see how things go and hopefully we can discuss more time and better arrangements by the time of the next hearing".

 

[Ash]

As for her trying to do a deal and give you "custody" - that is not hers to give. And it ignores the fact you already have a temporary residence order (lives with order actually - it's not called residency or custody any more). Aside from that, it is just words - she could say something else in a couple of weeks time.

If she can get off the wagon and be safe then the ideal would be a near 50/50 order. Ie lives with you 8 nights a fortnight and with her 6 nights a fortnight. So it's almost 50/50 but allows you to stay in control if she ever falls off the wagon again and keep the child back.

 

[Resolute]

Ash's point about how her position can change at the drop of a hat is really important. One of the biggest problems in how all of this works is that decisions are rarely made 'on balance' having considered things in the round. It is much more likely that some half-interested 'professional' will be looking for a safe decision that lets them clock off for the day. They will only be looking at what is said on that day, not delving into things to reveal any inconsistencies.

She has given you a trump card and will likely use any trick in the book to take it off of you. Being honourable is to your credit, but nobody will make her repay that debt.