Journey of Self - Topic#2 - Am I Good Enough?

[MagicJ]

When dealing with your children, have you ever:

- Second guessed your actions?
- Scolded yourself for a mistake?
- Told yourself you'll never get it right?

We are our own harshest critics and that 'self talk' is incredibly important part of our self ability to be resilient.

Actions like can stem from situations such as imposter syndrome:

Imposter Syndrome

People who struggle with imposter syndrome believe that they are undeserving of their achievements and the high esteem in which they are, in fact, generally held. They feel that they aren’t as competent or intelligent as others might think—and that soon enough, people will discover the truth...

www.psychologytoday.com

One of the first actions you need to take is give yourself a list of what you have done right for your child then make this a mantra - repeat it every morning & evening but more importantly when you make a mistake.

How do you all cope with that feeling when your kids are in a negative mode with you & you don't know what to do to change it?

Does anyone self talk?

How do you stop that downwards spiral?

Are you able to cut yourself some slack, if so, how did you get there from an emotional and mental viewpoint?

 

[MagicJ]

This is a difficult topic, reading across threads on the forum, it's clear that this affects a lot of members.

There is no parenting manual, we are all human, we make mistakes, that is the human experience when it comes to how we explore & learn, practically this means:

1) Draw a line under today's experience.
2) Identify which outcome you didn't like and look at your actions & reactions preceding that outcome.
3) Ask yourself, was there a better, calmer, positive option at each turning point leading to that outcome.
4) Make a mental note of the different approaches you may have identified that could have been taken.
5) Write that down, digitally or physically and remind yourself in every journey, walk, break, beginning or end of day.
6) Next time you enter a similar situation, take a few deep breaths, turn around or count back from 10.
7) Use one of the new positive approaches you have identified.

The aim of the game is NOT that you'll get it right everytime BUT you are willing and able to make changes THIS means there will always be a path to a BETTER place, as you KEEP TRYING different approaches until you find the RIGHT one for you and your situation

We love you, even if you find it hard.

MagicJ X

 

[Resolute]

When dealing with your children, have you ever:

- Second guessed your actions?
- Scolded yourself for a mistake?
- Told yourself you'll never get it right?

We are our own harshest critics and that 'self talk' is incredibly important part of our self ability to be resilient.

Actions like can stem from situations such as imposter syndrome:

Imposter Syndrome

People who struggle with imposter syndrome believe that they are undeserving of their achievements and the high esteem in which they are, in fact, generally held. They feel that they aren’t as competent or intelligent as others might think—and that soon enough, people will discover the truth...

www.psychologytoday.com

One of the first actions you need to take is give yourself a list of what you have done right for your child then make this a mantra - repeat it every morning & evening but more importantly when you make a mistake.

How do you all cope with that feeling when your kids are in a negative mode with you & you don't know what to do to change it?

Does anyone self talk?

How do you stop that downwards spiral?

Are you able to cut yourself some slack, if so, how did you get there from an emotional and mental viewpoint?

I am pretty dissociated from myself most of the time since my family law battles began. This probably is not healthy, but it is the way I have found of getting through for the time being. To start with I thought this might well break me, but made a promise to myself that I will at least keep going until it does. Now I think of it like people who do not have what they need to sustain themselves and drink their own urine until they can find what they need. Exceptional times call for exceptional measures. I really struggle to do the minimum my life requires and every time I feel like I am starting to progress something else is thrown in front of me. The downwards spiral is avoided by digging deep to do what is essential and letting myself off on the stuff I cannot manage. More about avoiding the inner critic than finding ways of praising myself.

Whenever my kid is in negative mode I do not try to change it. All I do is acknowledge and endorse the negativity, reassure, and answer with positivity. All I can control is me. They are often looking for a reaction when things get negative. I remind myself that if I react I am creating the problem. Giving permission to "miss mummy" or cry or be angry allows me to respond to what the child is feeling rather than give a reaction stemming from what it makes me feel.

A big lesson for me was that it is much better to get nothing done in a relaxed and loving manner than to stress about packing loads of "good" things into the time I have being a dad. Children like to wander aimlessly and do silly things. Also to play games and do repetitive stuff. I throw myself into the things that are asked for and get a kick from the joy that brings. "Daddy, can you do the thing where..." Whatever struggles and frustrations I have going on I say YES! It is so easy to let my resentment and dismay transfer to the child if I am not careful. I have trained myself to leave that all behind for my time as a dad and to throw myself into childishness.

 

[MagicJ]

Hey @Resolute , thanks for sharing

It seems like you've been in survival mode for a long time, you've mastered the belief in your own parenting and it's a real privilege that you've been able to share how you changed your approach.

That's the exact part of the journey I am focussed on, being calm, responding positively, not taking the children's comments and behaviours personally, takes a lot of effort and practice but the more we do it, the more reflexive it becomes and then it pays its rewards when you achieve those increasing moments of normalcy with them

 

[MagicJ]

"I'm only human after all" - John 'Rag'n'Bone' Jones - from the hit song by the artist & a mantra that every human being should be taught.


Our path through life, our lived Human Experience, has never been about achieving prescribed milestones or ultimate success.
There is no finality except our Birth & Death, our JOURNEY between those two points and not what we ACHIEVE is the important part.

On that journey, if we do our best & keep moving forward then that will always be good enough.

“Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.” - Winston Churchill
“The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.” - Henry Ford

We will all have a moment in our lives when we feel like we f**ked it up, that we've made a big mistake & there is no recovery, the world is over.
So we must be ready, ready to call on the training we have been doing to prepare for this moment as it will come not just once but many times.

How can I measure my readiness you ask? Our resilience levels are a gauge of our ability to keep our Journey through life moving forward.
What can I do to prepare for those moments? You must work on building up your resilience and then making sure to look after it.

I like to think of it a bit like a Water Well (of Resilience), every time your journey takes an unexpected turn, we draw out from that Well.
We must therefore remember that in order to keep drawing from the Well we must also fill it up in almost equal amounts.

What can I do to build my resilience? Create moments of positivity in your life, whether these are interactions, experiences or mantras

1. Have a special person in your life who gives you joy?
   • Thank them for one of their actions today, or just say thank you for their past support.
2. Enjoy a particular experience or activity?
   • Try and do it regularly, at a frequency suiting your lifestyle - then take the time to appreciate that you actually got to do it.
3. Create a series of simple reminders to tell yourself every morning
   • I have an abundance of energy, I am free of pain, Today is my day
   • I am strong, I am beautiful, I am loved
   • Unlimited energy will find me today, Sunrise fills me with confidence, Today is full of possibilities
   • I will be a giver of love today, Whatever challenges comes my way I will overcome them, today I will learn & grow
   • I am grateful for another day to shine, I will be fearless today

All the positivity we create in our lives & crucially when we take the time to appreciate it, this is what fills the Well of Resilience right back to the brim.

For those who want to know more about features of resilience - click here for an article on the topic

Ciao, MagicJ