Indirect contact

[andygeorge]

I have joined because I find myself in a strange position.

My son, 10, is refusing to respond to letters because he thinks the mother is being fake with him and doesn't trust her anymore.

Court has ordered indirect contact through letters but has never specified a frequency only that it is via the legal rep. The mother writes once a month sometimes twice a month.

I wonder how the court will take this because we have a final hearing in a few weeks(end of March) and my son is refusing to answer the cards since November having previously answered.

My son stopped answering after the mother suggested in a letter he was not being honest about his after school sports club attendance and school homework.

My son missed one day and failed to take homework in twice, the mother used both things in a statement and called my son out for it in a letter.

He feels offended and no matter how many times I encourage my son refuses to write.

The s7 originally said have direct contact but it never happened as my son changed his mind and said he doesn't want to see his mom.(She was emotionally abusive towards my son and didn't raise him, I was essentially a married man living as if a single father and sole carer.)

He told the social worker why not, because of the emotional abuse and how he didn't trust his mom.

For context the mother is not mentally ill but she does have control issues and does shout a lot and did to my son, my son referred to it extensively and it's documented in the first S7 report.

My concern is when I raised this at the last hearing a judge told me I had to encourage contact. I still do, but if my son doesn't want to what can happen?

I'm worried if I force I will be emotionally abusing my son or make him think I'm no better than the mother is.

The mother has already said it's parental alienation, she is refusing to accept what our son says about her behaviour.

 

[Resolute]

Could you ask him to wrie to her explaining why he is struggling to trust her?

Or, just an acknowledgement of what she sends?

 

[mainstay92]

I have joined because I find myself in a strange position.

My son, 10, is refusing to respond to letters because he thinks the mother is being fake with him and doesn't trust her anymore.

Court has ordered indirect contact through letters but has never specified a frequency only that it is via the legal rep. The mother writes once a month sometimes twice a month.

I wonder how the court will take this because we have a final hearing in a few weeks(end of March) and my son is refusing to answer the cards since November having previously answered.

My son stopped answering after the mother suggested in a letter he was not being honest about his after school sports club attendance and school homework.

My son missed one day and failed to take homework in twice, the mother used both things in a statement and called my son out for it in a letter.

He feels offended and no matter how many times I encourage my son refuses to write.

The s7 originally said have direct contact but it never happened as my son changed his mind and said he doesn't want to see his mom.(She was emotionally abusive towards my son and didn't raise him, I was essentially a married man living as if a single father and sole carer.)

He told the social worker why not, because of the emotional abuse and how he didn't trust his mom.

For context the mother is not mentally ill but she does have control issues and does shout a lot and did to my son, my son referred to it extensively and it's documented in the first S7 report.

My concern is when I raised this at the last hearing a judge told me I had to encourage contact. I still do, but if my son doesn't want to what can happen?

I'm worried if I force I will be emotionally abusing my son or make him think I'm no better than the mother is.

The mother has already said it's parental alienation, she is refusing to accept what our son says about her behaviour.

Are you both applying to see him together as a couple? If he won't see his mother it shouldn't mean no direct contact for you if he asks for that

 

[Peanut 21]

She was emotionally abusive towards my son and didn't raise him, I was essentially a married man living as if a single father and sole carer.)

Does your ex have specific issues which means she wasn’t an active part of your sons life?
Children do tend to still want to please abusive parents so I'd be worried that he has such strong resentment towards her.
At ten he shouldn't be dictating when he does or doesn't see his mum.
I understand parents not wanting to make kids do stuff they don't like to do but I'd tell him just to write a little note back to his mum.
I think there's a lot more to this than just in your original post.

 

[mainstay92]

Does your ex have specific issues which means she wasn’t an active part of your sons life?
Children do tend to still want to please abusive parents so I'd be worried that he has such strong resentment towards her.
At ten he shouldn't be dictating when he does or doesn't see his mum.
I understand parents not wanting to make kids do stuff they don't like to do but I'd tell him just to write a little note back to his mum.
I think there's a lot more to this than just in your original post.

I agree there is alot more to it regarding only indirect contact. But I've read a report before of a 10 year old been in verbally abusive situation by his mother and him not wanting to see the mother due to everytime he saw her she wanted him to lie to ss and say he wanted to be back with her. The poor child didn't want to go home. He did however want to see his dad ,just unfortunately the dad was a constant in his life but ss just said dad is ill and will come see you when he can. Which he did and the child was so much happier to see his dad even tho not regularly. But was distressed and refused to see his mother.

 

[Resolute]

10 is a little young to be making independent decisions. The classic example is schooling, kids don't get to decide whether or not they go to school. Parents are expected to make this happen and get punished if they do not.

It is hard when the child doesn't want to do as arranged/ordered with the other parent. I get it quite often, little one not wanted to leave when the allotted time comes around. We have to find ways of working around the resistance.

If a work around is impossible, I think it necessary to involve a third party. Ask Social Services of Cafcass to speak with the child. In cases of alienation I've read about, solutions are rejected without reason. If you want to avoid being labelled as attempting to alienate, share the problem and ask for solutions.

I do not mean to lecture, but we are all quite quick to condemn the ex's that fail to do as ordered for dads on here.

Good luck.

 

[Ash]

My son stopped answering after the mother suggested in a letter he was not being honest about his after school sports club attendance and school homework.

Presumably you have a copy of this letter she wrote him? How strongly does it suggest he is being dishonest?

Without evidence of a very good reason why he doesn't want to respond, then yes it might be seen as parental alienation.

Also is that your real name please? If so I can change it for you - we ask members to use anonymous usernames.

 

[mainstay92]

Are you both applying to see him together as a couple? If he won't see his mother it shouldn't mean no direct contact for you if he asks for that

Sorry I read your story wrong. I thought your child was in care and you both had to write letters. I would encourage the child to see his mum as best you can. It's very sad when a child doesn't want to see a parent

 

[Peanut 21]

Sorry I read your story wrong. I thought your child was in care and you both had to write letters. I would encourage the child to see his mum as best you can. It's very sad when a child doesn't want to see a parent

Agreed.
It won't be long until the child is a teenager and if the mother is as awful as stated, he can then decide to have nothing to do with her.
I just don't think it's right that children of such a young age can get out of doing stuff.
Parents need to 'tell' their children to do stuff. There's a right way to tell them 'you're going to school/dentist/see great aunt Edith". They need to learn that sometimes in life there's things we don't want to do but should. But it seems that it's acceptable to let it slide when it's to see a parent.
There's all this talk of encouraging the child. There needs to be more decisiveness.
Discovering why a child won't reply to a letter/text is important. It shouldn't be brushed aside.

 

[mainstay92]

Agreed.
It won't be long until the child is a teenager and if the mother is as awful as stated, he can then decide to have nothing to do with her.
I just don't think it's right that children of such a young age can get out of doing stuff.
Parents need to 'tell' their children to do stuff. There's a right way to tell them 'you're going to school/dentist/see great aunt Edith". They need to learn that sometimes in life there's things we don't want to do but should. But it seems that it's acceptable to let it slide when it's to see a parent.
There's all this talk of encouraging the child. There needs to be more decisiveness.
Discovering why a child won't reply to a letter/text is important. It shouldn't be brushed aside.

100percent agree.. even for a moment put yourself in mums shoes.. how would you feel your child not reading a letter sent to you? It's heartbreaking, it's honestly hard enough as letters are previously read even to ensure they are ok for your own child to read. A child should see both parents unless their is a seriously good reason. Becareful not to involve your child in your own thoughts of your ex.