How to cope

[DB2021]

Hi All.

I hope your all doing as well as you can be.

I just wanted some advice or thoughts.

Ex is still coming to pick the Dog up so that our little girl can walk him happens once a month which I agreed to because I didn’t want little one or our dog to miss out they grew up together.

They have just been to get him and ex sent partner to the door with my little girl who again won’t even look at me or speak to me.

It angers me so much that ex has the nerve to send her partner to the door with my daughter but also it breaks me every time I see my little girl and she treats me as if I don’t even exist.

I won’t stop her being able to walk our dog as I know how much they mean to each other and I know it’s my choice so the heartbreak and pain I feel each time is something I’ve chosen to accept but how does a little girl who once loved her dad become so cold and is able to act like I’m nothing.

I believe she gets the cards I send and does read them but I can only take my exs word for that I know they’ve been delivered at least as I always send them recorded delivery and keep each email showing order and delivery.

It is very clear that my little girl is gone as there isn’t even a flicker of light when she sees me and I have to admit my heart is torn to pieces.

 

[Oneofmany]

Buddy, I cant start to imagine what this is like, but let me say..... you are stronger than you know, going through this over and over for your little girl speaks volumes about your character. I'm guessing she is probably massively confused about it all and doesnt know how to act. The new guy is there as a constant, so she gravitates to him. Your ex will have seen this and be playing on it by not coming to the door herself. You could give her some pics of you and the dog together to keep, perhaps inside a card from the Dog saying "thanks for walking me"??? Am assuming your girl is quite young and they love things like that, Its totally possible you ex isnt passing on the cards etc, but by giving it direct you can bypass her and your girl probably wont want to give it up. Just some thoughts

 

[DB2021]

Thank you oneofmany.

That was very nice of you to write such words.

I will go through whatever I have to for my little girl I guess I just didn’t realise the inner pain and turmoil it would cause me but I will get through it.

I do send card every couple of weeks and I put pics of the dog on the card as you can with MoonPig so she always gets pics of him. I haven’t sent a pic of me as I don’t want to upset her or make her feel guilty so I’ve kept to just updating her on things and not saying anything that could make her feel bad. I have also sent a couple of cards from Diego since she started walking him so I will continue to do that for her as you say I know she loves that.

I know deep down she can’t really feel nothing for me anymore and it’s impossible for her to show her true feelings because of her mum and partner I guess it’s just when I get that 30 secs when they come to have her there in front of me and her look right through me is something I just can’t comprehend but I do know my little girl is just coping the best way she can I just sometimes need others to say it for me to click back into things.

 

[Oneofmany]

Are you going through the CAO process? If so what stage are you at??

 

[DB2021]

Are you going through the CAO process? If so what stage are you at??

No I’m way past that stage.

There is posts about my story on here but I’ve been down the court route twice.

Won the first one and got a full spends time with order to 6 months later an order that doesn’t order any contact and my time left down to ex who has destroyed my relationship with our little girl. Court decided that I was the one who was causing my little girl emotional harm because I wouldn’t accept her not wanting to see me and that I should listen to her. They treated my ex like she was an angel despite me having evidence to prove otherwise all of which was ignored or I was told I couldn’t produce it.

I’m just another sad statistic in this country of a father who has done nothing wrong but was failed by the most incompetent biased disgraceful family court system.

 

[Oneofmany]

Sorry buddy, I'll have a look back.

 

[DB2021]

Sorry buddy, I'll have a look back.

It will take you a while as there’s quiet a few posts and my struggle went on for around 2 and a half years

 

[Fellowshipper]

Not going to lie, but stories like yours are awful to read about. From my point of view, it's the highest form of disrespect for another man even to show his face to me, let alone present himself to me with my own child standing by him, as though it were his own. I would expect a fellow man to be able to exercise a lot more discernment, when it comes to "homing in" on what was literally a previous man's property. Very unwise thing to do, in my honest opinion.

 

[Ash]

Some Stepdads can be like that.

DB I'm sorry you're going through this - it's torture. I think it would be easier not to be in that situation. I suppose you're worried that if you set your terms, your ex would just cancel the whole thing? Maybe there's a way round it though. Could you have someone else with you next time, that your daughter knows? I guess you're worried that would rock the boat as well.

The thing to hang on to is that your little girl still wants that connection with you - via the dog. If she didn't she would say she didn't want to come.

It's her way of saying she wants to see you - saying she wants to see the dog. After all they could just get her another dog couldn't they?

Can I ask - what do you do or say when you see her?

 

[Fellowshipper]

I apologise for my previous comment above, it's not particularly helpful for the advice that you're seeking, because every situation is different and so requires a unique set of solutions to problems, both short term and long term. Please ignore and refer to the other posts on this thread, for actual helpful advice in your given situation.

 

[DB2021]

No need to apologise Fellowshipper your opinion is very valid and nothing I don’t think myself. The arrogance of him and my ex has no limits but shows the utter contempt they have for me all the while acting like there being decent boils my blood as much as others who just read what has happened.

There isn’t really any way to have anyone with me as I don’t have anyone around me close by. But you’re right about not wanting to set terms etc it’s the only way I get any chance to see my little girl so I have to cling onto that even if it destroys me every time. I always have a smile on my face when I do see her I wouldn’t give them the satisfaction of them seeing the turmoil I’m going through inside or how much it angers me that he thinks it’s okay to be the one that knocks on my door.

I don’t say a lot I bring Diego to the door who always goes mental because he’s missed her then I just ask her if she’s okay and this time I asked her if she liked the Boo Box I sent her for Halloween and if she was looking forward to doing the face masks that were in it. I also tell her I love her as she walks away. I try to keep it light and not to show any sad emotion and also not to make her feel guilty in anyway.

I get absolutely no acknowledgment from her she doesn’t look at me at all and doesn’t speak to me at all either but I understand that she probably does that because she’s doesn’t want them to know that she wants to see me well that’s what I hold onto deep down.

I accept all this because it’s the only way I have any chance of seeing her and even though it’s only for 30 seconds it’s 30 seconds that she gets to see her dad there smiling and happy to see her.

 

[Ash]

It sounds like you're doing all the right things, but it would indeed be torture - it's very unfair. I think your last order said it was up to the Mother to arrange times didn't it? Which she has chosen not to do. How old is your dog by the way? I'm just thinking, when your daughter is a bit older, she wouldn't need to be accompanied.

I'm wondering if this is going to make you ill though. I think some people might opt to just not see her at all, with those terms.

 

[DB2021]

It sounds like you're doing all the right things, but it would indeed be torture - it's very unfair. I think your last order said it was up to the Mother to arrange times didn't it? Which she has chosen not to do. How old is your dog by the way? I'm just thinking, when your daughter is a bit older, she wouldn't need to be accompanied.

I'm wondering if this is going to make you ill though. I think some people might opt to just not see her at all, with those terms.

Yeah I know how to behave and how to speak with her in person and in cards. I won’t say anything that could upset her or make her feel guilty so I just use it as a way to update her on things with me and Diego and also to praise her for anything she has done really well at.

Diego is 11 so in reality I probably only have another 2/3 years with him as Husky’s live on average to 13/14 but hopefully I will get more as he’s my everything. Nah ex won’t ever allow that not until she’s 12 and above and that’s even if she allows it then so I’m stuck with the situation.

Yeah I totally get why people opt to walk away entirely but I just can’t do it I would never forgive myself if she ever thought I’d given up and stopping her walking him could easily be used to make it look like that. It does hurt and is torture but I will take it no matter what because if that’s the small bit I can give my daughter then I will. I just think that small thing that I’m allowing could be huge for her as you said if it is her way of seeing me and Diego I could never take that away from her.

My ex is never going to encourage her to see me or arrange any time with her because she never wanted that in the first place that’s why what the judge did was so damaging my only hope is when she does get older she thinks for herself and comes to me I won’t get to see her any other way and not for quiet a few years.

 

[Peanut 21]

DB I'm glad you've posted again. Although it's about a sad situation.
I often wonder how you're getting on. Your poor daughter is just shutting down. Littlens don't have the mental capacity to deal with this sort of thing.
I'm glad you have your lovely dog as a sort of mediator.

 

[DB2021]

DB I'm glad you've posted again. Although it's about a sad situation.
I often wonder how you're getting on. Your poor daughter is just shutting down. Littlens don't have the mental capacity to deal with this sort of thing.
I'm glad you have your lovely dog as a sort of mediator.

Hi Peanut .

I do mean to come and post more but then I think I don’t really want to be the one posting sad story’s all the time not really fair on others who are still fighting.

But I do need to be active more and try and help others like you all have for me .

I know she has completely shut down from me now you can see it in her when she does come to the door it’s heartbreaking to see I can’t imagine how she is feeling but what Ash says “that it’s her way of staying connected and seeing me” that does hit home and makes me feel that my little girl is in there deep down just to afraid to show it because of the 2 most despicable human beings on this earth.

Yeah Diego has been my life line not sure I’d have coped as well as I have if it wasn’t for him he really is the most amazing dog and I’m so lucky to have him. And I know just how much they love each other my ex won’t ever break that.

Even though it’s the most hurtful thing to go through every month I do it for them and always will because my love for them far outweighs the personal turmoil I’m going through .

 

[Ash]

It’s a real difficult one. Do you avoid this fake situation and let her just have the happy memories of when she had time with you? Or do you keep this up so you can see her, even though it’s bad for you and she can’t be herself. I don’t think there’s an easy answer.

 

[DB2021]

It’s a real difficult one. Do you avoid this fake situation and let her just have the happy memories of when she had time with you? Or do you keep this up so you can see her, even though it’s bad for you and she can’t be herself. I don’t think there’s an easy answer.

I know I understand both sides I just feel allowing it is the best option. Like you said what if it is her way of getting to see me and I stop it and later in life she says I tried to see you through Diego because it was the only way I could and you stopped it so you didn’t care? I can’t risk that well in my mind I can’t.

It’s not a good situation for me but I’m the adult and I can deal with and understand my emotions she can’t so whilst it hurts me every time I can’t imagine the hurt she is feeling deep down as I’m sure beyond anything that she misses me and doesn’t truly feel like she shows and it’s all down to ex and partner.

It could mean everything to her and I just can’t take that away and believe it or not it means everything to me because I get to see her even if briefly it’s far more than some get.

But I also understand what your saying aswell it’s a no win situation really.

I keep going it hurts me I stop it it hurts her and me and I can’t do anything that may hurt her even if it does cause me turmoil if that makes sense.

 

[Ash]

I'm wondering what will happen when your dog is no more - if he maybe only has a couple of years left? I mean obviously that will be hard anyway to deal with, and also you can get another dog - but there won't be that link any more. But maybe you'll think about reapplying to court by then.

 

[DB2021]

I'm wondering what will happen when your dog is no more - if he maybe only has a couple of years left? I mean obviously that will be hard anyway to deal with, and also you can get another dog - but there won't be that link any more. But maybe you'll think about reapplying to court by then.

Yeah that’s something I try not to think about as Diego is all I have at home and it will kill me when I lose him and I know it will kill my little girl.

I won’t get another one after Diego I couldn’t handle the heartbreak of losing another one and as you say there would be no link to my little girl so it wouldn’t help that situation in anyway.

Not sure I’ll ever go back to court it’s already shown me just how biased and incompetent it is but who knows I’ve just got to see what the next few years bring and go from there.

 

[Ash]

I know what you mean and pet grief is real - that would be a tough time. And some people do find that getting another one helps with the grief. But as you say - hopefully you have a good few years before having to think about that.