How screwed am I?

[Busydad1985]

hi busy dad. did you get an inheritance that you have to worry about? how is it relevant that you paid all the mortgage payments etc etc as my lawyer says that is irrelevant which is disappointing?

Only a small inheritance that isn’t worth worrying about in all truth - and the contributions to the marriage are relevant whether that is financial or other means.

The reality is though - I am prepared to loose it all for the sake of my own sanity and peace, and for the sake of my kids. It’s tough going at the moment but my form E gets exchanged next week and I’ll be further along.

 

[Nujra Rof]

Only a small inheritance that isn’t worth worrying about in all truth - and the contributions to the marriage are relevant whether that is financial or other means.

The reality is though - I am prepared to loose it all for the sake of my own sanity and peace, and for the sake of my kids. It’s tough going at the moment but my form E gets exchanged next week and I’ll be further along.

Hi mate,

I know what you mean, you want to cave into the unreasonable demands just to get on with life! I was actually wondering if you did give everything up (or say the majority), would a judge look at it and say it’s too unfair and not sign it off or would they just go ahead and rubber stamp it…

Are you for me exchanges voluntary or mandatory?

 

[Busydad1985]

Hi mate,

I know what you mean, you want to cave into the unreasonable demands just to get on with life! I was actually wondering if you did give everything up (or say the majority), would a judge look at it and say it’s too unfair and not sign it off or would they just go ahead and rubber stamp it…

Are you for me exchanges voluntary or mandatory?

Voluntary - I’ve got my negotiations in hand and feel I’ve got a good handle on what’s fair, with my lawyer keeping me honest. Her solicitor set the date for the form E exchange as Valentine’s Day - how poignant!

We are becoming more amicable as time passes though - I think we are close to agreeing a schedule with the kids between ourselves. I know this might change but my kids are already saying they want to spend more time with me and if there’s one thing I do know about my stbx is that she won’t want to harm the children at all - she is a good mother. Maybe I’m naive but I do believe that we can sort the children arrangements outside of court, neither of us want to drag them through the horrible process or court.

 

[Nujra Rof]

Voluntary - I’ve got my negotiations in hand and feel I’ve got a good handle on what’s fair, with my lawyer keeping me honest. Her solicitor set the date for the form E exchange as Valentine’s Day - how poignant!

We are becoming more amicable as time passes though - I think we are close to agreeing a schedule with the kids between ourselves. I know this might change but my kids are already saying they want to spend more time with me and if there’s one thing I do know about my stbx is that she won’t want to harm the children at all - she is a good mother. Maybe I’m naive but I do believe that we can sort the children arrangements outside of court, neither of us want to drag them through the horrible process or court.

Glad to hear there is progress for you.

We are coincidentally also exchanging updated form e’s on Valentine’s Day. To be honest I do not know why we are updating other than her delay tactics whilst she lived for free - as nothing will have changed from two months ago apart from bank balances being less as we had a court hearing. But she has already indicated a very unfair split of 70-30 in her favour - but she won’t budge from 60-40 on her favour for the kids and that’s my number one thing I won’t budge on and she’s known from the start I won’t accept anything less than 50-50. So another court hearing (fhdra) on 1st week of May. Cafcass call prior to that.

We are trying to sort out finances between us but truthfully my solicitor wrote me an offer letter to give to her clearly pointing the courts position in the finances and how they’d view it, but she will go ape as it’s about £100k less than she was expecting as a minimum (yup as a minimum). Basically she thinks we will sell the marital home and she will have pretty much most of it because she refuses to go full time work, my solicitor pointed out the court won’t accept that and will imagine her full time wage. So think this will get dragged out. I’d be inclined to negotiate if she actually was reasonable with the kids but I think she is of the impression, she can bulldoze her way to majority of settlement, stay part time working and have the kids more time than me, and obviously run to cms to claim maintenance - so big lump sum, kids majority of time and life still funded by me! She’s in dreamland and her solicitor sadly eggs her on, even saying she will get spousal maintenance, but her solicitor wants it to drag on so as to up her fees and she’s easy bait! So sad

If we get kids sorted I’d want to move to rented accommodation but I’d still be paying everything here, and she’d live for free with me not around so what incentive would she have to settle and will drag it out! Plus I’d have to use the little joint savings we have to rent which sucks.

 

[Busydad1985]

Glad to hear there is progress for you.

We are coincidentally also exchanging updated form e’s on Valentine’s Day. To be honest I do not know why we are updating other than her delay tactics whilst she lived for free - as nothing wil two months ago apart from bank balances being less as we had a court hearing. But she has already indicated a very unfair split of 70-30 in her favour - but she won’t budge from 60-40 on her favour for the kids and that’s my number one thing I won’t budge on and she’s known from the start I won’t accept anything less than 50-50. So another court hearing (fhdra) on 1st week of May. Cafcass call prior to that.

We are trying to sort out finances between us but truthfully my solicitor wrote me an offer letter to give to her clearly pointing the courts position in the finances and how they’d view it, but she will go ape as it’s about £100k less than she was expecting as a minimum (yup as a minimum). Basically she thinks we will sell the marital home and she will have pretty much most of it because she refuses to go full time work, my solicitor pointed out the court won’t accept that and will imagine her full time wage. So think this will get dragged out. I’d be inclined to negotiate if she actually was reasonable with the kids but I think she is of the impression, she can bulldoze her way to majority of settlement, stay part time working and have the kids more time than me, and obviously run to cms to claim maintenance - so big lump sum, kids majority of time and life still funded by me! She’s in dreamland and her solicitor sadly eggs her on, even saying she will get spousal maintenance, but her solicitor wants it to drag on so as to up her fees and she’s easy bait! So sad

If we get kids sorted I’d want to move to rented accommodation but I’d still be paying everything here, and she’d live for free with me not around so what incentive would she have to settle and will drag it out! Plus I’d have to use the little joint savings we have to rent

does she realise the longer this drags on, the bigger slice of the marital pot her solicitor will take, meaning ultimately she will end up with even less than she thinks?

Either way, whatever is left will need to be enough for you to create two homes from one and will consider her potential earnings capacity. The difference between your situation and mine is that my wife has never ceased to work, and her earnings are about to go up in line with career progression. I’ve no idea if that helps or not but it should mean there’s more capacity to recover for us both.

I’ve already resigned myself to the fact I’ll loose a significant amount of the wealth I’ve worked hard to create in my career thus far - but as long as I can stay employed, I will be ok.

 

[Nujra Rof]

does she realise the longer this drags on, the bigger slice of the marital pot her solicitor will take, meaning ultimately she will end up with even less than she thinks?

Either way, whatever is left will need to be enough for you to create two homes from one and will consider her potential earnings capacity. The difference between your situation and mine is that my wife has never ceased to work, and her earnings are about to go up in line with career progression. I’ve no idea if that helps or not but it should mean there’s more capacity to recover for us both.

I’ve already resigned myself to the fact I’ll loose a significant amount of the wealth I’ve worked hard to create in my career thus far - but as long as I can stay employed, I will be ok.

So I too have fully accepted that I’ll lose a significant amount of the wealth that I’ve created all on my own, namely the marital home that I bought five years prior to our marriage and prices were a lot cheaper back then, plus I’ve paid every single mortgage payment, bill, council tax and repair required. Yet she feels very entitled. She keeps mentioning she needs to be as close to mortgage free as possible so she can continue part time work and be a mum. Now I’m not close to mortgage free so I can’t believe she’d even say that, it’s total delusion! But if a solicitor hears that, they’ll encourage her of all the things she can try to do and get more and she will blindly believe it.

She’s fully aware the solicitor fees are insane and after the first hearing she’s definitely feeling the pinch and is very keen on us resolving child arrangements and finances between us (even without mediation involved) - we can’t agree child arrangements unless she goes for 50-50 so court costs a plenty for that.

With finances I get the feeling she’ll be equally gullible and believe she should get loads and me very little as she’s fully of the viewpoint her role is being a mum as I’m not capable (or more like she won’t admit I probably do more than her and really it would be crazy for me not to have 50-50 but she would lose financial bargaining power if it was a straight 50-50 split).

It’s like dealing with a child really. Even my sister said if it was her in this situation she’d be eager to get back to full time work (as my wife had planned for later this year anyway when both kids are five days a week full time in school), and make something of her career finally and work together with a good dad.

Ultimately her solicitor keeps filling her head, well with what is already there but amplified and egged on, and she buys it all, plus where her lifestyle will no doubt go backwards ultimately as she’s never even paid a bill before as she was “daddy’s little princess” and then I covered things. So it’s in her interest to drag this out even if it means costs and less going to her due to her solicitor fees (& mine sadly), as it’s all “free” money to her….

 

[Busydad1985]

So many similarities here with my ex wife - the difference I think is the attitude towards it all. I feel like mine is getting to the acceptance stage and is now pushing for things to move forward - she’s accepted we will sell the home, she’s accepted I will have my fair share of time with the kids, but she’s still very mindful of getting as much money out of me as she can.

I think it’s fear - she’s never paid a bill or been a truly independent woman before, she’s always had things paid for when she couldn’t pay herself - firstly by her dad and brother bailing her out, then me all those years ago when we got serious.

Ultimately it gives me some comfort knowing I won’t walk away empty handed - no judge will leave you unable to house yourself, and if I can walk away with £65-£70k out of the equity I can do that.

 

[Oneofmany]

Nail on the head there buddy "Free money......."

 

[Unknown01]

Women often feel entitled to stay part time and be "mum" after a divorce but it is not how the law works. If it was, men could go part time and be "dad" too. However, what the law says is that BOTH parties have to maximise their income. Now, women often earn less than men in divorce, normally because they have done a good job at bullying and emotionally blackmailing their husbands into letting them work part time during the marriage, so their earning capacity is lower but they are still expected to maximise it. Once the youngest child is 7 they'll be expected to be working 30 hours a week and when the youngest is 11 they'll be expected to be working full time. If they have any qualifications, they'll be expected to use them.

Don't take any crap about being part time and being mum. That's a privilege that comes from marriage. When they divorce, they become solely responsible for their household including the money coming in. If they refuse that role, then they are deadbeats who are no good for their children and they need to bloody well know it. My children already know their mother cannot even pay for herself let alone them and won't do anything about it. Oh, and if you ever have to pay the lazy cows spousal maintenance, make it absolutely clear to the children that mum doesn't buy them Christmas presents or birthday presents because she can't afford it. It's you who paid for it. Make sure the children know that.

 

[Peanut 21]

Oh, and if you ever have to pay the lazy cows spousal maintenance, make it absolutely clear to the children that mum doesn't buy them Christmas presents or birthday presents because she can't afford it. It's you who paid for it. Make sure the children know that

I'd be cautious with this because kids shouldn't have to worry about where the money is coming from. That's an adults concern. It also puts them in the middle of mum and dads crap.

 

[Jumper85]

Hi All. All very familiar stories. Happy to help any members where I can.

I've been through financial court proceeds and finalised those last year and child proceedings which finalised 2023. The ex made continuously crazy demands for months and years on end but I secured a 50/50 lives with court order for the children and she got no where near what she was asking in court on the finances and was successfully challenged on housing needs and income giving me more than what I was expecting to start again.

It's a tough journey but I was never prepared to give in to any of her demands. She through abuse allegations at all 9 hearings that I attended, all were dismissed and even ignored eventually and ultimately I was awarded a fair outcome. Pleased to say all for as little as less than £10k in legal fees whilst hers stacked up to be tens of thousands.

Stay positive gentleman. If I can help or share experience, just ask.

 

[Unknown01]

I'd be cautious with this because kids shouldn't have to worry about where the money is coming from. That's an adults concern. It also puts them in the middle of mum and dads crap.

Depends on the age. My eldest already thinks my ex-wife is a deadbeat, and not by my prompting. Turns out he can figure out for himself that when dad is working all hours and mum is drinking wine and playing on her phone by 3pm, the money supporting his lifestyle isn't coming from her. I guess I could say something to neutralise the situation but I don't believe in lying to children.