How do you Co-Parent with a Narcissist.

[InvisibleIntellectual]

The sad fact is that you may not realise right away that your ex is a narcissist, but when you do realise it, then there are coping mechanisms you can undertake to assist you in dealing with them.

A narcissist wants a reaction - and no matter what that reaction is positive OR negative - its validates them, the best thing you can do it not to react, easier said than done I know - but at the end of the day - they just want attention. They know how to set you off, and they know how to hurt you so they are going to do their damndest to do this

A narcissist loves to set you off and hurt you - that's what gives them the fuel to carry on, your best bet is to ignore them, they thrive on the conflict.

The answer does seem impossible really - how do you co-parent with a narcissist? But the answer is a simple one - go No-Contact as much as possible, keeping it ONLY to the child and not rising to their bait. There is no reason for you both to talk every single day about your child, but when you get a message or text, our reaction is usually to respond immediately when we are angry at what they have said - dont - leave it 24 hours, as long as its not an emergency obviously. There is no need for you both to be talking every day if you are both doing what you should be doing with your child - so cut the contact down.

If you are co-parenting with a narcissist you have to trust that the other person is doing what they are meant to do - you have no control over a narcissist.

Keep in mind - keep all of YOUR reactions to a minimum, this will deprive a narcissist of their fuel - their main aim is to make you look like a bad parent or crazy, and the worst part - its all a game to them. They want you to look like the villain, whilst they look like the innocent party. This is how they get people to trust them in the first place and believe that they are the ones that have been wronged.

Basically a narcissist wants to set you off, to hurt you, to get you angry - its the ultimate aim of a narcissist. Going no-contact as much as possible and not reacting angrily to their messages will send a message that you are as strong as they are - and you are.

Dont let your narcissist win.

 

[Ash]

I found this book helpful too - in terms of helping the kid in the middle of this and helping protect yourself from attacks using the kids as messenger. Carried it around with me for a while.

I am sure my ex is one and has no compunction using child as a weapon.

How to co parent with a toxic ex

 

[proud_dad]

This is the best advice!

I learnt the hard way - I would defensively and reflexively reply after any message sent to me by the toxic ex (usually criticisms, orders), leading to never ending cycles of messages, which soon started to affect my anxiety and stress levels, distracting me from enjoying the parenting of my kids (probably her desired outcome).

It's only the last 5-months I have learnt to step back and ignore the windbag (albeit it is hard sometimes).

What amazes me is how they manage to get the energy to constantly find narcissistic ways to hurt the ex. Surely they must get to a point where they want to move on and live normal lives?

 

[Ash]

Amazes me where they find the time and energy to keep it up too but I think it’s like our existence is a constant thorn in the side so they keep trying to get rid of it. Mine also likes to fight and I think actually enjoys creating conflict.

I would love to ignore permanently! If she would just follow the court order!

 

[InvisibleIntellectual]

I had it written into a court order that the ex has to respond with X hours if it has to do with our kid - other than that - it doesnt get responded to.

 

[Box house]

This is a selfish thread , It so good to know , I am not alone on this plant , with the same issues

 

[InvisibleIntellectual]

This is a selfish thread , It so good to know , I am not alone one this plant , with the same issues

In which aspect do you feel it is selfish?

 

[Box house]

Hi , I am new to the site , and just finding my feet, But its been 8 years since the first court case , now 8 years later ,,,my children live with me 100% of the time , they do not wish to see there toxic mum , so I should have said , its been hard , but we are now all very happy , but it's still nice to know I am not the only one out there, and its now important to deal with the stuff afterwards, what the kids have gone through, and like a lot of things the issues are always going to be there ,, if that makes any sense

 

[InvisibleIntellectual]

Hi , I am new to the site , and just finding my feet, But its been 8 years since the first court case , now 8 years later ,,,my children live with me 100% of the time , they do not wish to see there toxic mum , so I should have said , its been hard , but we are now all very happy , but it's still nice to know I am not the only one out there, and its now important to deal with the stuff afterwards, what the kids have gone through, and like a lot of things the issues are always going to be there ,, if that makes any sense

That's cool and awesome that you have your children with you - your first comment was just ambiguous that's all

 

[Box house]

Thank you , yes I am new to writing comments , mine has been a journey ( as they say nowadays ) , as it is for/been a lot of dad's , If possible would like to help and share my experience if needed where possible , I think the most important thing we ( dad's )can do , is to walk the right path and trust me this can be the hardest thing in the world sometimes.

 

[Box house]

And if I may add ( hoping it can help)
My story,

Separated 11 years ago, 5 courts cases, 5 CAFCAS Reports, 2 additional Child Social Services reports, Serval Police reported accusations, additional Medical reported accusations, and school reported accusations also been reported to friends and family, today my children, live with 100% of the time and do not wish to see there toxic mum, it’s been hard,, but stay strong you will get there.

 

[Ash]

And if I may add ( hoping it can help)
My story,

Separated 11 years ago, 5 courts cases, 5 CAFCAS Reports, 2 additional Child Social Services reports, Serval Police reported accusations, additional Medical reported accusations, and school reported accusations also been reported to friends and family, today my children, live with 100% of the time and do not wish to see there toxic mum, it’s been hard,, but stay strong you will get there.

Thanks for joining and sharing with us - and I am sure your story will help other Dads. There is actually a section on here for posting your story - if you have the time to give a bit more detail - I think that could really help others in the middle of processes and hearings.

 

[Ash]

And if I may add ( hoping it can help)
My story,

Separated 11 years ago, 5 courts cases, 5 CAFCAS Reports, 2 additional Child Social Services reports, Serval Police reported accusations, additional Medical reported accusations, and school reported accusations also been reported to friends and family, today my children, live with 100% of the time and do not wish to see there toxic mum, it’s been hard,, but stay strong you will get there.

How did that come about? It's rare for them to order no contact at all for the Mother. Assume evidence that she was harmful for the children?

 

[Box house]

Ash , I will add my own story , in the forth coming days , ( need a bit of time as sometimes my grammar is not the best) , but to answer your above question Ash ,yes she was, if you have an ex who is a bully , like all bullies over time they lose there support , friends, and end up being alone , also do not underestimate children, if you can stay in there and get some access , as they get older they can work it out for themselves, once they get into there teen's to be honesty they will make there own mind up where they would like to stay , I have been lucky but I believe you always have to take the right path , just sometime can take a long time.