Help please I’m totally lost

[Dadneedshelp]

Hi all I’m new here and could do with some advice if that’s possible please? Sorry this is long but it’s very complicated!

I have been married for 19 1/2 years. Before we met my wife disclosed she had been raped and spent time in a psychiatric secure unit.

Early in our marriage my wife was physically violent to me on several occasions- I told one friend but was too ashamed and scared to admit to anyone else.

There were obviously issues in the bedroom department in our marriage due to her past but any time she showed any signs of being uncomfortable I would back away / stop.

18 months ago I supported her to finally report her abuse to the police. When she did so she realised she had been raped by 5 other men and groomed by a man in his 40s when she was 17. All very messy and painful to try and process for her.

She shares her story on social media and spends all day and night talking to other survivors of sexual abuse. This has not helped her mental health.

Sadly our marriage became cold and I was stupid and kissed another woman twice last summer. I immediately cut it off and told my wife. Her initial response was ‘ I don’t blame you as I’ve been so cold’

The next day she became a different person. She started saying I was a narcissist, finally she was free of me, her prayers had been answered etc. I said what are you talking about, you’ve never expressed that before. She said ‘it’s been revealed to me’.

She asked me to move out so she could have space to heal. I was reticent to do so but I was trying to save the marriage. This was 5 1/2 months ago (and was meant to only be for a week). I am currently driving an hour each day from a friends spare room to be with our kids each day.

I have engaged in therapy and tried to better myself. I have apologised for my part in the failed marriage. Sadly she has continued to manipulate and twist circumstances. She says she never did anything wrong in the marriage, it is all my fault.

Her latest line is I have been sexually coercive and controlling and abusive. When asked for actual details she would always say eg ‘you were moody if we hadn’t had sex for a month’ - I would apologise but point out that was not coercive at all. It is clear to me all her unprocessed trauma and anger at men is being unleashed on me.

She suggested we go to couple therapy a month ago. At the first appointment she had a mental breakdown / panic attack. She said she was only there as friends and family had pressured her to forgive but she didn’t want to, but would continue with the process. At the next session she read a declaration that I was sexually abusive and she was leaving me for good. I challenged her (she had an article in a national newspaper written last October whilst we were separated where she said “Quitting drink and drugs, she says she soon felt "loved, special, not dirty" for the first time in her life – and met X, who she married 19 years ago. “X knew about me being raped in my teens, and was very supportive, but he also knew it was up to me on if I wanted to report those crimes – like so many other women, I genuinely felt there was no point reporting it, and being rejected and dismissed would only make things worse. I’d found a good life at last and wanted to move forwards, not back.”) I said that was totally contradictory to her own words, she was changing the narrative to suit her decision. Her reply was “you gaslight me into gaslighting myself as you are an abuser”

I was shocked. We then went to a final therapy session this week where I apologised for any hurt I had done in the marriage and asked for forgiveness and to try and move forward for the sake of the kids. Her instant reply was to ignore all that and say my apology showed I was a classic abuser.

She also disclosed she knew the family court system inside out from her work with sexual abuse survivors so had got an IDVA and could press charges against me.

When I mentioned what about housing and kids moving forward her reply was ‘I’m the main carer so I will buy a large house (£400k) and the kids will live with me - they can stay with you one night a week and you can buy a crappy house (£150k)

I am being falsely accused by my own wife and have no idea what to do? I don’t blame her as she is reacting from her past trauma.
I tried my best to save the marriage but I believe (and so do independent trustees of our charity) that she is mentally unwell and transferring her unprocessed trauma to me.

We have 3 beautiful children ages 14,12 and 10. I see them every day. I put them to bed when she goes to bed early and I lock the house up. I have stayed for birthdays / Christmas etc.

Sadly I have to realise my marriage is over and my wife is playing a very dark game of lies and accusations to try and keep the children from me and keep the family home (and expects me to pay for it all)

Can anyone help or offer advice on what to do next? Thank you

 

[Ash]

Hello and welcome. Sounds like a real headmessing situation - sorry to hear about all that. I've edited out a real name above - just forum policy not to use real names.

It sounds like you have been trying everything and maybe it's a combination of her feeling anti men generally and the marriage going through a difficult patch for whatever reason.

You are not alone in a situation where a soon to be ex just decides they want to end things and keep the house and the kids - even if reasons vary.

Because of the ages of your children it could be more difficult (but not impossible) to get a court order for Child Arrangements. It sounds like your soon to be ex isn't going to be reasonable about the amount of time they spend with you so suggest you apply to court asap for a child arrangements order - regardless of what will happen with divorce or finances. Finances will come into it a bit if you have to find another place to rent meanwhile. There is no reason why you shouldn't move back into your own house - and live in separate areas - but if she is now making allegations then you need to protect yourself - I would not have any contact with her unless there is someone else with you as a witness.

Yes she will have had all the information that she can accuse dv, get legal aid and free lawyers. You said you went to family therapy - was that actually a mediator? Before you can apply to court you need to have attended a first mediation session at least, and signed off if mediation doesn't proceed. What did the family therapist think?

It sounds like you have some evidence from that newspaper article to refute her claims when it comes to a court hearing over the children.

"Coercive control" is the new thing these days - it seems to get accused all over the place. It usually includes things like preventing someone seeing friends and relatives, which doesn't seem to be the case.

These things are so huge so try and break it down into smaller steps. The first thing is - you want to be able to keep seeing your kids regularly, whether the marriage is possible to salvage or not.

My concern is that your soon to be ex may repeat these allegations to the children so I think you need to act quickly re the Child Arrangements so they don't spend too much time with her being brainwashed.

I think you will definitely get an order for the 10 year old and probably for the 12 and 14 year old as well. They take the child's wishes into consideration more with the older two but these are "ascertainable" wishes as opposed to "expressed" wishes - ie if it seems they have been coached that can become clear - or you can argue that if what they say is not quite normal.

It sounds like you have bent over backwards to try and resolve things with her but she clearly doesn't want to have things resolved. At this stage anyway.

You could think about some counselling just for yourself, as a support at a stressful time. And to help make decisions.

But the first thing I would do is submit a C100 for a Child Arrangements Order - 50/50 shared care. You may need to say that you're in the process of getting a new place set up (and then do it).

I also think she's trying to scare you off going to court by saying she will accuse DV. She may well do and it is highly distressing being on the receiving end of allegations but it is also very common in separation cases a) as a way of getting legal aid for the accuser and b) to try and get rid of you and keep their "normal" family life without you - ie house and children. But that doesn't consider the childrens needs and feelings. It sounds like she is going to want them to "take sides" which is not good.

It could just be revenge - for your minor indiscretion - and courts spot things like that.

 

[Roblox]

Hi. Sorry you are going through this.

There's a few things to consider. Have you moved out of the family home / what's the situation there. You aren't legally obliged to moved out if its jointly owned although it sounds like you have to some extent.

With the kids you'll need to agree a way forward. Mediation would be a starting point.

Start thinking about the future. Possible divorce. You can get an hours free consultation with most solicitors.

Don't agree to anything without getting advice first. Ignore her trying to dictate terms. Divorce in theory at least starts 50/50 which includes child contact.

Be on guard for any sneaky tactics such as accusations / recordings etc.

Make sure you keep a log of all messages whether text WhatsApp or email etc.

 

[Ash]

It sounds like she is letting you come to the house to see the children at the moment. Is she letting you take them out at all? Have you had chance to explain anything to them? Best thing is to not say anything bad about her to the kids - something along the lines that you and Mum are having a few difficulties so you're staying somewhere else while trying to sort them out but you don't want to leave them.

Financially - assume you have a mortgage and are still paying everything. You could remortgage to interest only (reducing the outgoings) so you could afford to rent somewhere. Is your STB working and earning?

Also suggest talking to your GP - explain what's happening - they can be quite good and it might be recorded as well.

 

[Ash]

As Roblox says - be careful with communications. Anything you say can be used for or against you from now on. So keep all communications by email or text or whatever, simple and polite - as if writing to a business colleague. No personal arguments etc. If hers are hostile - fine - that could be in your favour at some point (Even though unpleasant to receive). Keeping a diary is a good idea as well - what';s been discussed, what she has said about the children arrangements, which days you have seen them and for how long. So you have a record of the time you've had with them.

I also thought you could move back in, but you need to be careful. If she is not inclined to be amicable. It could be worth suggesting (in writing) that you want to try and work things out and have counselling or mediation and in the meanwhile suggest you live in separate areas of the house and both still be involved with the children until you've tried a few things. And see what her reaction is. That again is evidence that you have not willingly left home.

 

[Dadneedshelp]

Hello and welcome. Sounds like a real headmessing situation - sorry to hear about all that. I've edited out a real name above - just forum policy not to use real names.

It sounds like you have been trying everything and maybe it's a combination of her feeling anti men generally and the marriage going through a difficult patch for whatever reason.

You are not alone in a situation where a soon to be ex just decides they want to end things and keep the house and the kids - even if reasons vary.

Because of the ages of your children it could be more difficult (but not impossible) to get a court order for Child Arrangements. It sounds like your soon to be ex isn't going to be reasonable about the amount of time they spend with you so suggest you apply to court asap for a child arrangements order - regardless of what will happen with divorce or finances. Finances will come into it a bit if you have to find another place to rent meanwhile. There is no reason why you shouldn't move back into your own house - and live in separate areas - but if she is now making allegations then you need to protect yourself - I would not have any contact with her unless there is someone else with you as a witness.

Yes she will have had all the information that she can accuse dv, get legal aid and free lawyers. You said you went to family therapy - was that actually a mediator? Before you can apply to court you need to have attended a first mediation session at least, and signed off if mediation doesn't proceed. What did the family therapist think?

It sounds like you have some evidence from that newspaper article to refute her claims when it comes to a court hearing over the children.

"Coercive control" is the new thing these days - it seems to get accused all over the place. It usually includes things like preventing someone seeing friends and relatives, which doesn't seem to be the case.

These things are so huge so try and break it down into smaller steps. The first thing is - you want to be able to keep seeing your kids regularly, whether the marriage is possible to salvage or not.

My concern is that your soon to be ex may repeat these allegations to the children so I think you need to act quickly re the Child Arrangements so they don't spend too much time with her being brainwashed.

I think you will definitely get an order for the 10 year old and probably for the 12 and 14 year old as well. They take the child's wishes into consideration more with the older two but these are "ascertainable" wishes as opposed to "expressed" wishes - ie if it seems they have been coached that can become clear - or you can argue that if what they say is not quite normal.

It sounds like you have bent over backwards to try and resolve things with her but she clearly doesn't want to have things resolved. At this stage anyway.

You could think about some counselling just for yourself, as a support at a stressful time. And to help make decisions.

But the first thing I would do is submit a C100 for a Child Arrangements Order - 50/50 shared care. You may need to say that you're in the process of getting a new place set up (and then do it).

I also think she's trying to scare you off going to court by saying she will accuse DV. She may well do and it is highly distressing being on the receiving end of allegations but it is also very common in separation cases a) as a way of getting legal aid for the accuser and b) to try and get rid of you and keep their "normal" family life without you - ie house and children. But that doesn't consider the childrens needs and feelings. It sounds like she is going to want them to "take sides" which is not good.

It could just be revenge - for your minor indiscretion - and courts spot things like that.

Thanks this is really helpful (and apologies I left my name in )
You’ve given me a small ray of hope and direction so thank you so much

 

[Dadneedshelp]

It sounds like she is letting you come to the house to see the children at the moment. Is she letting you take them out at all? Have you had chance to explain anything to them? Best thing is to not say anything bad about her to the kids - something along the lines that you and Mum are having a few difficulties so you're staying somewhere else while trying to sort them out but you don't want to leave them.

Financially - assume you have a mortgage and are still paying everything. You could remortgage to interest only (reducing the outgoings) so you could afford to rent somewhere. Is your STB working and earning?

Also suggest talking to your GP - explain what's happening - they can be quite good and it might be recorded as well.

I see the kids every day. I put them to bed when she’s gone to sleep early. When she goes out to play sport or see friends (at least 2 nights a week) I look after the kids in the family home (incidentally I’ve put my life on hold eg sport and going out so I can be with kids every day).
I have stayed here for birthdays and Christmas and am staying for pancake day next week as my youngest has asked if I can.
I take the kids out when I can eg to stay with me at grandads down south, day trip to the beach etc.
I spoke to a lawyer for the free 30mins call and they said it’s not rational her accusing me of dv but letting me in the family home every day, the 2 simply don’t match up. However the lawyer did warn against forcing my way back to live here if she is using dv as a gun to my head :-(

 

[Dadneedshelp]

It sounds like she is letting you come to the house to see the children at the moment. Is she letting you take them out at all? Have you had chance to explain anything to them? Best thing is to not say anything bad about her to the kids - something along the lines that you and Mum are having a few difficulties so you're staying somewhere else while trying to sort them out but you don't want to leave them.

Financially - assume you have a mortgage and are still paying everything. You could remortgage to interest only (reducing the outgoings) so you could afford to rent somewhere. Is your STB working and earning?

Also suggest talking to your GP - explain what's happening - they can be quite good and it might be recorded as well.

Yea I am paying everything. She assumes I will pay for 2 houses and she won’t work!
We both do similar charity work and had similar very small incomes last year, so she can’t argue she has no income/ I earn loads more.
I mentioned we need to sell the family car to release £10k cash (and buy her a similar old car like mine) - her reply was I’m not having an old unreliable car like yours!
What would you suggest in terms of talking to GP?
Thanks for all your help

 

[Dadneedshelp]

As Roblox says - be careful with communications. Anything you say can be used for or against you from now on. So keep all communications by email or text or whatever, simple and polite - as if writing to a business colleague. No personal arguments etc. If hers are hostile - fine - that could be in your favour at some point (Even though unpleasant to receive). Keeping a diary is a good idea as well - what';s been discussed, what she has said about the children arrangements, which days you have seen them and for how long. So you have a record of the time you've had with them.

I also thought you could move back in, but you need to be careful. If she is not inclined to be amicable. It could be worth suggesting (in writing) that you want to try and work things out and have counselling or mediation and in the meanwhile suggest you live in separate areas of the house and both still be involved with the children until you've tried a few things. And see what her reaction is. That again is evidence that you have not willingly left home.

We were at couples therapy but she said instantly she didn’t want to reconcile and wanted to leave me. So she shut down any conversation of trying to work on the relationship. He then said he would help us if we can be amicable before we have to go to mediation. This week she dropped her dv bombshell. I know she is just trying to blackmail me, so you are right I need to go and speak to a mediator soon on my own

 

[Ash]

"I spoke to a lawyer for the free 30mins call and they said it’s not rational her accusing me of dv but letting me in the family home every day, the 2 simply don’t match up. However the lawyer did warn against forcing my way back to live here if she is using dv as a gun to my head :-("

I was just going to say that after reading your last post. And why it's so important to keep records/a diary of everything you're doing with the kids and how often. You might need it. So she at least can't claim you're a risk to the kids.

 

[Dadneedshelp]

Hi. Sorry you are going through this.

There's a few things to consider. Have you moved out of the family home / what's the situation there. You aren't legally obliged to moved out if its jointly owned although it sounds like you have to some extent.

With the kids you'll need to agree a way forward. Mediation would be a starting point.

Start thinking about the future. Possible divorce. You can get an hours free consultation with most solicitors.

Don't agree to anything without getting advice first. Ignore her trying to dictate terms. Divorce in theory at least starts 50/50 which includes child contact.

Be on guard for any sneaky tactics such as accusations / recordings etc.

Make sure you keep a log of all messages whether text WhatsApp or email etc.

Hey I moved out short term so she could have ‘space to Heal’ from what I’d done by betraying her. I have always seen the kids every day since this started.
However she kept saying she needed space to heal, and when the couples therapist suggested I move back in this week her reaction was ‘I can’t stand him in the house I will have to scream constantly if he moves back in’ she then dropped her dv accusation =blackmail

You are right about looking for sneaky tactics. I guess it’s just so sad that I hoped we could rebuild, and realising the person you deeply love has become someone else and is incredibly manipulative and dangerous

 

[Ash]

GP - I would just talk to them - explain you don't want the marriage to end and your wife's history and how recently she seems to be blaming you for her bad history and it's upsetting. Sometimes they have things to say or they may offer a referral for counselling. It's worth a try. They should make a note of it though (which could be helpful if medical records are asked for at some point).

Interesting that she is letting you go there to look after the children but also saying she won't let you see them more than once a week (after divorce presumably). It does suggest that your being there is useful to her right now. A lot of Mums automatically think the children should stay with them and unfortunately there are people who think children should have one "main home" with the Mother and just "visit" the Father.

When making diary notes, give details: eg Tuesday - went to house at xpm cooked tea for the children, did xyz in the evening - put children to bed - x name goes a bit later now so we watched xyz on tv first. MRs Ex out at her regular meeting with friends tonight. Waited till she got back before leaving, Or Mrs Ex at sports club tonight so left after she returned,. Or Mrs Ex going to bed early tonight so left after children asleep. That kind of thing.

Even if you don't need these as evidence or proof of your time with them, it can help jog your memory when writing a statement in future.

It does sound like she has decided the marriage is over. Whether or not that will change you don't know, but if she is threatening to make allegations then it seems unlikely.

And make a note of that too - the family therapy session where the therapist suggested you move back in and Mrs Ex immediately said she would accuse xyz if I moved back in (see if you can get something in writing from the therapist - eg a closure report - it may or may not have enough information to be helpful).

From the sound of it I personally think this is about your minor indiscretion and she is off the scale furious and not willing to forgive - maybe due partly to her history. Because a lot of couples get past things like that - but it can bring out hatred.

What is clear is she has no issue with you caring for the children - at the moment - and it's convenient. So hard as it is, maybe make the most of that for now. But ongoing you should not have to go to "her" house to see them if you're actually separated.

But it sounds like she will want to keep control/

Google mediators in the area, and phone round them - go with the one who has the earliest appointment or who sounds the most helpful/. You go along to the first session on your own - the MIAM (Mediation information and assessment meeting) - they just explain mediation to you then invite your stbx to attend. It could be an idea to let her know in advance that you think "family mediation" could be helpful before she gets invited. Put it in terms of "trying to sort out how we carry on from here" or she may realise you're intending to apply to court.

I would get the application filled out now though, ready to send off.

 

[Roblox]

Hey I moved out short term so she could have ‘space to Heal’ from what I’d done by betraying her. I have always seen the kids every day since this started.
However she kept saying she needed space to heal, and when the couples therapist suggested I move back in this week her reaction was ‘I can’t stand him in the house I will have to scream constantly if he moves back in’ she then dropped her dv accusation =blackmail

You are right about looking for sneaky tactics. I guess it’s just so sad that I hoped we could rebuild, and realising the person you deeply love has become someone else and is incredibly manipulative and dangerous

Same happened to me. I moved out for her 'space'. She moved on quickly in my case.

As Ash says she's all over the place if claiming DV but also having you there every day.

This sounds tricky as you are seeing the kids every day and presumably this may change if you start to press on things.

Do you have good relationships with the kids. Given their ages they will prove useful (obviously only if need be) to disprove any made up allegations.

 

[Ash]

This sounds tricky as you are seeing the kids every day and presumably this may change if you start to press on things.

That's why I mentioned being careful over the mediation. What you could do is have the MIAM and ask to be signed off and say you don't want mediation. (You can say in your application that you have already been having family mediation/therapy and she doesn't want to continue). Then she won't know you've had the MIAM and applied to court. She will find out when she gets the court papers with a hearing date and yes she may start to get difficult then about you seeing the kids. That's why you need to keep records - and also why the application wording has to be carefully considered so it's not inflammatory to her.

One thing I learned in these processes is, that although you are addressing the court in writing - anything you say in writing is shared with the other party so careful wording is needed.

So yes her receiving the application could rock the boat - but at least if you have applied before she makes any allegations it becomes clear she only made them because you applied to court (ie they hold less weight) - and the fact she has been letting you in the house to deal with the children means she didn't consider you a risk.

I think better to apply sooner in case she went a bit maverick and made allegations before you apply to court (I think if you moved back in she could do this as a way of getting you removed - there are stories of a Dad being arrested at home if the ex calls the police and makes allegations).

So this is about protecting yourself and the kids. Keep the application focused on the kids and how you can't continue to travel so much to the former marital home for short periods but would prefer a schedule for the children with both parents and to take them to and from school for changeovers.

 

[Ash]

The counselling can help with the marriage ending side. Must be hard to take. I think you need to be asking for 50/50 shared care and the children to live with both parents - and mentioning your care involvement by arrangement, which can't continue now you're separated. Sharing the care will allow both parents to manage work and down time and be in the best interests of the children.

What your stbx is talking about re finances is presumably wanting spousal maintenace as well as child support - ie you paying for everything. Child maintenance is payable if it's less than 50/50 which is one reason a lot of Mums don't like 50/50. But it's fair - if you're both providing in your own homes and sharing the costs for the children equally. Only one parent can get the child benefits from the Government - usually the Mother but depends who applies for them first! You can't really apply for them if you're not actually living there with them at the moment.

 

[Dadneedshelp]

Same happened to me. I moved out for her 'space'. She moved on quickly in my case.

As Ash says she's all over the place if claiming DV but also having you there every day.

This sounds tricky as you are seeing the kids every day and presumably this may change if you start to press on things.

Do you have good relationships with the kids. Given their ages they will prove useful (obviously only if need be) to disprove any made up allegations.

Yea I love my kids and the thought of not seeing them every day kills me inside. But I’ve not seen them for breakfast nearly every day the last 5 1/2 months
They love being with me, always sad when I leave at night. The 10 year especially keeps asking why can’t daddy be at home, when is daddy allowed to stay etc - so I’m staying for pancake day next week as he said he wants to wake up and make pancakes with me

 

[Ash]

So will you be staying overnight that day? Do you think she may come round? It sounds like that may not be quick coming if she is currently so immersed in this. Presumably there will be police records of when you helped her go to the Police to confront her past, which may be helpful at some point, if you're accused of something. Although I am not sure how you'd obtain those if they are filed under her name. Possibly a subject access request.

 

[Dadneedshelp]

All her false allegations re: DV are sexual (not surprised considering her awful past). But as we are not in any kind of relationship, it almost disproves her point as there is no danger to her as there is no sexual relationship. So although she uses the inflammatory term of DV as a gun to my head, in my head those lies have no bearing on childcare as I’m with the kids all the time and I’m not ‘violent’ in any shape or form. I prob need to get more legal advice to clarify all this.

 

[Ash]

I was just thinking if you were in the house she may at some point say you did something even if you didn't. Do you think this is likely?

 

[Dadneedshelp]

So will you be staying overnight that day? Do you think she may come round? It sounds like that may not be quick coming if she is currently so immersed in this. Presumably there will be police records of when you helped her go to the Police to confront her past, which may be helpful at some point, if you're accused of something. Although I am not sure how you'd obtain those if they are filed under her name. Possibly a subject access request.

Yeah I’ll be staying overnight. The therapist suggested I move back home for 2/3 nights a week and she said ‘no I can’t cope being around him, all his past abuse I just need to go and scream’ but then next minute I’m allowed to stay as it’s a ‘special occasion’. Her irrational behaviour will help undo her narrative

Sadly I’ve had to accept she has become a different person, I think there may be some mental illness going on… she is adamant she will never be with me again, which is sad to take when you still love your wife and hoped for reconciliation- I guess the guys on here who’ve been thru it know it is like grieving someone who’s still alive.