Sorry, busy day lots of good advice above. Ignore the solicitors letter. They are stressful but there's not much there really - yes she's complaining about you but they won't really consider those as allegations. No doubt she is just trying to make a case knowing you're having your Cafcass call. I got a lot of these nasty solicitors letters once I'd applied to court - accused of poisoning my son! Not feeding him, all sorts. It was all ignored because it only came up after I applied to court and she'd never complained before about my care! Situations vary of course - I'd been looking after my son for years before I had to reply to court.
The other thing is it's a kind of tactic by her solicitors and her to get into your head and hope you mess up or go away. So just ignore.
21st is quite a way off, so a few days before you could do some preparation (writing things down helps). Maybe come on here and ask about preparing then when it's nearly time. So it's fresh. But generally be prepared to be asked fastball questions like - Mrs Ex says you did xyz. So you don't react. That's main advice. Don't react and say "she's a liar" - you pause for a moment to gather yourself and have one of your prepared lines ready like - well I'm sorry Mrs Ex said that, I of course don't agree that was the case and I think perhaos she is just upset that I have applied to court. I would much prefer to have sorted things out amicably regarding arrangements, and did try.
You then want to try and steer the conversation onto things that you want to get across -like talking about the kids. So you get the opportunity to sound normal rather than someone who is just put on the spot answering questions - that can help - to psyche yourself up to be "normal" as if chatting to a normal person and sound upbeat about the kids and say how your daughter/son has such a cheeky sense of humour and likes xyz and you would love to get some regular time again so you can carry on doing these activities and chats.
That kind of thing. Every interview is different in my experience - my first one was quite easy and went very well - I only got one fastball question at the end. Which I thought I'd handled but apparently didn't! Learned from that. But the report was overwhelmingly in my favour. The bit i messed up was - Mrs Ex says you're controlling. How do you reply to that. I just calmly said - well the thing is Mrs Ex has a very strong personality and likes to be in control so if you don't agree with her she thinks that's controlling.
What the report said was "Mother says Father is controlling, Father says Mother is controlling". Which was not good because they are then basically tarring you both with the same brush as if you're both silly argumentative parents hurling insults at each other. Which then undermines the horrifically serious stuff she was actually doing at the time. It didn't matter in the end as that all came out at final hearing with evidence. The main thing was the rest of the report was positive about me and negative about my ex.
My second one was for an enforcement hearing and that was horrible. I had this nasty impatient woman speaking rudely to me and firing questions at me - the call came out of the blue with no appointment letter, and I was at work and couldn't talk properly. Again it tried to make out that both parents were at fault (even though it was my ex who breached the order!).
So that is why everyone says - DO NOT say anything remotely negative about the ex. Let your ex do all the mud slinging - that's ok - then it's just her making accusations. If you're both negative about each other then you get tarred with the same brush.
So - you want Cafcass onside. All Cafcass want to know is - are you a good parent. They see a good parent as one who is positive about the other parent (because that's better for the kids) and who says upbeat positive things about the kids (ie shows their close relationship by doing so and makes it more personal so you're not just "another Dad" wanting an order blah blah).
The report never reads well - most people say they misenterpreted what you said or got it wrong - but the important thing is that they find there are no welfare issues - then it proceeds. If both parents are negative about each other - they think - welfare issues - kids in the middle of hostile parents. If only one parent is negative they think - just needs a bit of mediation or dispute resolution to reach agreement.
The mantra is - "I just want my kids to have happy loving relationships with both parents". Say it more than once if necessary. So if she says - Mrs Ex says you do xyz and the kids don't want to come blah blah. You say - I'm sorry Mrs Ex feels that is the case, I think she's maybe upset - but I just want the children to have happy loving relationships with both parents. Then you try and talk about something good about the kids and things you know about them - like - my son and I regularly make paper aeroplanes - he's a real enthusiastic creative boy and I'd like him to be able to do these things with me still and enjoy time with both parents.
That kind of thing. The other thing that can help is actually saying something good about the ex. And your tone of voice. So if the fastball is another Mrs Ex says xyz. You maybe sigh a little and say, oh dear. No I don't agree with that either. Mrs Ex is a very good organiser and very efficient and the children are always well dressed and well fed - their home life is good there, but I just want the children to be able to have happy loving relationships with both parents.
In other words - stop the nerves and psyche yourself up to be calm and relaxed, honest but careful with words. You're deflecting being put on the spot and being child focused and positive about Mum. The little things like a friendly sigh can be disarming - to show them you were expecting this kind of thing.
And yes bullet points on a piece of paper - come back and ask about that the week before
