Feedback from the kids

[Resolute]

Hi all,

Cafcass have a board for children and young people, the Family Justice Young People's Board. It is made up of members who have been the subject of family law proceedings.

Below is a letter to parents based on their top tips for separating/ed parents. It really made me think about what I do as a father. Especially about times I struggle to keep resentment against my ex from seeping into how I am with my child.

"A 2024 message from your kids

Dear Mum and Dad,

I understand that you don’t love each other anymore and don’t want to live together, and although it’s sad it’s better than you arguing and frightening over me all the time. This is what I want you to do.

• I love you both and I want to see you both, but I don’t want you being nasty about each other in front of me. It makes me feel really bad …and remember I can hear you even when I’m not in the same room.

• Please sort out who pays for what. While I am young and go to school or Uni, I won’t be able to support myself. I rely on you both.

• Don’t make me spy on my other parent or pass on messages. Don’t interrogate me about the other parent when I come to your home. I’ll tell you about it when I want to.

• Don’t be possessive about me or things that belong to me. I want to belong to you both. Sometimes I have to take my football kit or bike to my other parent. Please make this easy for me.

• I understand that grown-ups plan my life, but please ask me and keep me informed about what you decide.

• Don’t make me feel guilty about seeing my other parent.

• Don’t ask me to choose between you.

• Don’t make permanent decisions about me when you are in a bad mood.

• My birthdays, holidays, school events, family events are all special to me and I may want to spend time with both of you on those days.

• I have two sets of family. Dad’s and Mum’s extended family and I want to see them all. Just because you may not like them does not mean I don’t too. Talk to me about it. Don’t assume my feelings are yours.

• Don’t get upset If I want to spend time with my friends. I’m growing up!

• Remember I may not always want the same as my brother or sister.

• Don’t ask me to lie to my other parent or professionals.

I want you to feel happy for me as I grow up and learn stuff. I know you are both not perfect and make mistakes and so do I but, despite everything, I love you both to bits. Remember… if the other parent gets a new partner, I’m cool with that. It will make no difference to how much I love you.

Signed

Your kids

With thanks to Family Justice Young People’s Board"

Family Justice Young People’s Board

The Family Justice Young People’s Board (FJYPB) is a group of children and young people with direct experience of the family justice system. Its aim is to help make things better for children in the family courts. Find out more about the FJYPB and its helpful resources

www.cafcass.gov.uk

FJYPB top tips

www.cafcass.gov.uk

My child is 8 now and starting to think much more independently. Perhaps we'll read the letter together and think about improvements we could make in our separated family.

I'd love to hear people's thoughts on this stuff.

 

[Ash]

It's something difficult ex's should read but I know in my case, it would have been water off a duck's back. It wouldn't go in. Some of them are on a mission to get rid of you and sadly, put their kids feelings last, maybe because they are just too emotionally driven.

 

[MagicJ]

It's something difficult ex's should read but I know in my case, it would have been water off a duck's back. It wouldn't go in. Some of them are on a mission to get rid of you and sadly, put their kids feelings last, maybe because they are just too emotionally driven.

I'd second this, the Planning Together course delivered by Action for Children is exactly this content in impactful videos showing the stark divergence between following the above and not from a kids perspective but unfortunately it made no difference to her attitude or approach!

 

[DB2021]

This doesn’t half hit home doesn’t it.

It does make me wonder if this is how my little one feels deep down but sadly isn’t allowed to be that way.

Until there’s more action and punishment for the women who abuse the system and cause so much damage to our kids sadly the above just isn’t enough.

These women do not care about the above they only care for themselves and it’s a typical Narcissistic trick.

 

[Resolute]

My daughter has just read through the letter with me. As well as the 'top tips' for parents from Cafcass website.

It was really healthy, gave her a great opportunity to reflect and share her experience of things. She agreed with every single bit of what the FJYPB recommends for parents. There are a few parts she thinks I could do better. Nothing particularly damning! We agreed to look over again and work out what improvements we can make.

I was really nervous about doing this. Kept second guessing myself. Couched in the right way, it turned out to be such a helpful tool.

 

[Peanut 21]

That's great Resolute

 

[Peanut 21]

I just wish my partner could sit down with his son and do the same thing.
But he can't speak his own mind because he has his mothers voice in the back of his head.
It's such a fine line because we don't want to push him too much.
We worry we nag him as it is with brushing his teeth and doing shoelaces. We just worry because he's off to secondary school in September but his mother literally mothers him so he can't do basics. We just don't want him to be picked on at school.

 

[Ash]

Mine was very late with shoelaces for similar reasons - to avoid him being bullied we just got velcroed shoes - they do adult sizes with that too. And then one day he just did it (laces - think he decided to work it out). He wouldn't be shown by us. And wanted lace up shoes. Then of course they never bother to do it again and take the shoes on and off without bothering to tie or untie laces and squash the backs down lol. For year 11 he'd be fine with the velcro fastened shoes - I'm sure there'd be others with the same.

Could you get him a kids electric toothbrush? That might appeal.