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Hello

I've had a CAO in place for the last 6 months. Over night stay on alternate weekends and midweek contact was ordered.

Contact has has been stuck to and even some additional contact has been agreed between us.

Every so often I get texts off the ex demanding on knowing who our child has seen and where he has been while in my care.
I get everything from he's upset when you drop him off and he said he hurt himself while at Daddy's house. I'm sure I'm not the only one going through this.

Question is, do I have to let my ex partner know who he has seen and where we have been while he is with me? I'm getting everything from my family are bully's and it's upsetting our child.

Is it best not to respond at all to the questions being asked by her?

Curious to know how it's best to respond. If at all.

Thanks!
 
Hi.

The main point is there is only really an issue if there are serious safeguarding issues. I think the next time she does it you mention this and ask her what the serious concerns are. Obviously put it diplomatically but that's the bottom line.
 
No serious safe guarding concerns at all.
Only worrys me if she makes false allegations as she did when I submitted the C100
Cafcass seen through it and said no safe guarding concerns.
 
As you have the CAO she really doesn't have the control, other than restricting contact time to what is agreed in the CAO.

It depends how you want to approach but you could state that you will only listen to serious concerns and that she should stop the harassment. Or you will consider a further application to court based on the evidence you've amassed
 
It sounds typical to me - when they're not happy you have a CAO. But a bit confusing she gives you extra time. Suggest you keep a diary in case you need it in future. I just used to email diary notes to myself and file them in an email folder called Diary. So keep a diary of what you do when you're son's there - what you had for tea, what he talked about etc, if you visited or saw anyone else. Then any time she makes these accusations make a diary note of those too. If you do need some evidence in future it will show a pattern of normality with you and her accusations out of context.

Do you think your child actually is complaining? I know at one point my son was - because his Mother was hostile towards me and to keep her onside he went along with the idea that things weren't good at my place - while having a great time here. Because she would go ballistic at him if he said he liked things here.

Or do you think she is just being like this in case you have a girlfriend (another trigger).

Keeping the diary notes will also help protect you if she happened to report you to the police or something and you can show them the diary.
 
Yeah I will keep a diary, I take photos each time I have him and they are saved down on google photos with date and time stamp.

I don't have a girlfriend, if I did she would go mental. And to be honest I really don't want that hassle so I'm staying away from new relationships.

I'm always getting questioned why he gets upset and it always defaults back to me. What did you do at the weekend, who did you see etc. He does enjoy it at mine and when it's time to go back to his mothers he gets upset and says he wants to stay with me. Its a really difficult situation but I calm him and tell him I'm always going to come back.

I just don't know whether to keep on responding, as the questions go on and on.

The joys of being a single dad......
 
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Technically it's none of her business who you see or where you go when your child is with you. It rings alarm bells for me when she says child is upset after being with you. Because my son used to get questioned in detail when he went back as to where he'd been and what he'd been doing and that used to distress him. Cafcass picked this up at my first court application and advised me to just tell her so she stopped questioning the child. My solicitor disagreed and said - none of her business. So it's about how you decide to handle it. It's also really hard for kids to adjust to changeovers if they feel the separation each time. So in a way it's good your ex has been giving some extra time sometimes and hopefully listening to your child if he says can I go to Dads on x day or something.

I think she is probably feeling the loss of control and feeling threatened that you may have a gf.

Maybe try an approach that means you don't have to answer to her for everything but give reasonably friendly responses to some things and ignore others. It's best to keep main communications in writing in case you ever need evidence. eg text, whatsapp or email. Or do you speak to her at handovers on the doorstep or something? Even so, you can still text etc in between.

Any communications in writing you do make sure yours are always BIFF (brief, informative, friendly, formal as if writing to a business colleague) - for future evidence that shows you are the polite reasonable one. If you ever do need to go to court again it can really help. They can be used as evidence to confirm various things and a Judge will see how normal and reasonable you are and see her stroppy demanding ones (if that's the case) and it gets the Judge onside. So don't get into any text arguments or get too personal. Keep them to child arrangements.

So you could maybe send her a text or whatsapp - which documents what's happening now and attempts to stop her doing it. And rather than seeing it as having to answer lots of questions, make it like you're the one trying to amicably co parent. Assume he's too young to be at school so changeoevers are at her house? If he's not at school, ignore the last paragraph. Maybe something like

"Hi. Joe had great fun at the week-end when we went to the playpark and then shopping and we had tea with my Mum. I'm concerned you say he is sometimes upset when he comes back to you and you seem concerned as to where I've been and who I have seen. If you are concerned I may have a girlfriend, then that is not the case and I am quite happy being a single Dad right now. But suggest we agree that if either of us meets a new partner, we don't introduce Joe to them for the first three months and then do it gradually. I think it's important thought, that there is trust between us when Joe is with either of us. And we agree to let each other know straight away if there is any emergency or health issue. That way no news is good news.

I have noticed him seeming upset sometimes just before he leaves and apparently the transitions can be difficult for them especially with short single overnights when they just get there and have to leave again. Suggest we could both reassure Joe that he will see Mum/Dad in a few days. I think two consecutive midweek nights would help there, instead of the one single night. So he could have Monday and Tuesday nights with you and Wednesday and Thursday nights with me. And am happy to discuss flexibility.

I also think it could help him if changeovers were to and from school, so he has the day to adjust and have fun after one of us drops him off and before the other one picks him up and it's not immediately going from one parent to the other. So feel it would be better if week-ends were straight from school on Friday and drop off at school on Monday morning. Let me know what you think.

Hope all well with you.

Regards, you"

She probably won't agree to extra time, but by sending something like that, you've shown that she is pestering you and there's no need, politely, and put a normal reason for child being upset sometimes while ignoring accusations, and showing you're seeking to co parent amicably. It would be good for future use if there are any problems so a court can see you trying to sort things out without getting into loggerheads. I doubt she will react amicably to it but you never know. I know when my son was little I found flattery worked quite well and then my ex would be more amenable. Like I'd say how I was sure son would really enjoy going to ex place with her, or as it was her birthday coming up would she like to change days? That kind of thing.
 
Hi in my experience and Cafcass they told me to shut it down. There is no need to communicate unless it’s health or education. If she continues to harass you then politely warn her that it’s not acceptable behaviour or get a solicitor to write her a letter to put her in touch. If it continues then look a non molestation order or just ignore her and she will get the message eventually or do something really stupid and land herself in hot water which plays into your hands. No court will punish you for ignoring pointless messages and you are avoiding potential conflict which again should smears be your narrative esp as we “dads”.
 
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Well said. Keep any emails or texts because it could be harrassment if she continues.
 
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