I have an enforcement hearing on Friday. My 12 year old son's behaviour at school has been terrible. Threatening to take a knife to school as well as threatening violence to other students. I have been disciplining him by removing Xbox for a few days. He was suspended from school twice in the same week. I have not seen him since. He has refused all contact with me. Had the CAFCASS letter today recommending I have no contact. My ex has had problems with alcohol, hit her ex partner over the head with a meat cleaver which resulted in my son being on a child protection plan 4 years ago. I am at a loss now. I have done nothing wrong. My ex has breached the court order but CAFCASS now say the order should be suspended. I feel like walking away but I know my son will get into serious trouble if I leave his life. Not sure I have the energy to fight this. Any help or advice would be appreciated.
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Enforcement Hearing in 3days
- Thread starter ste
- Start date
I'm really sorry you're going through this. You'll get these dark days where you feel like giving up. But keep going. Your son needs you. He's clearly lashing out because the pressure he's under.
He needs a strong male role model more than ever right now.
You just need to get Friday out of the way.
He needs a strong male role model more than ever right now.
You just need to get Friday out of the way.
I am really struggling. He wants no contact. That hurts the most. Then CAFCASS say no contact until after a section 7 report. I have done nothing wrong. My son's mom even emailed me in June asking for help as my son is out of control at her house. Now she is saying she has no problems with him. Blamed me for all his behaviour. Just scared that the outcome will be I never see my son again.
Don't take away his xbox, it'll make things worse. He is clearly under huge pressure due to being caught in the middle of an enforcement process. My son was as well. Your ex is creating the pressure no doubt. I am sure his behaviour will settle once the enforcement process is over.
He probably has no choice about contacting you and is being pressured by the ex to cut contact and block you. If his behaviour has been like that at school, it suggests to me he has been resistng the pressure from ex and suffering for it and now is unable to defy her for risk of how he will be treated.
As Peanut says, it sounds like attempted alienation. It doens't mean he is alienated. It might mean he's just protecting himself right now.
He probably has no choice about contacting you and is being pressured by the ex to cut contact and block you. If his behaviour has been like that at school, it suggests to me he has been resistng the pressure from ex and suffering for it and now is unable to defy her for risk of how he will be treated.
As Peanut says, it sounds like attempted alienation. It doens't mean he is alienated. It might mean he's just protecting himself right now.
I really eased up on discipline during this process. I just stayed aware of the pressure my son was under, trying to work out what it's all about, sadness, being torn and he told me he felt heartbroken that mum and dad weren't together. I let go of being the discipliner and for now it just doesn't matter.
Threats can be spoken about, explained why it can't happen but he obviously hasn't taken knives or been violent so cut him some slack.
It's understandable that you're scared but play it all straight and be clear how you are going to present yourself in the section 7 - there's masses of knowledge on that topic on this forum and it's worth reading it over and over and over.
Stay in the game, be resolute and don't be hasty.
Threats can be spoken about, explained why it can't happen but he obviously hasn't taken knives or been violent so cut him some slack.
It's understandable that you're scared but play it all straight and be clear how you are going to present yourself in the section 7 - there's masses of knowledge on that topic on this forum and it's worth reading it over and over and over.
Stay in the game, be resolute and don't be hasty.
Hi Ash. He has said if he has to see me he will commit suicide. Just 2 months ago he told his mom if he had to go to school he would jump off a bridge. My son uses this threat of suicide to get what he wants. My barrister managed to get my son a guardian so he will now have his own solicitor. Judge said she is suspending the order. I am not even allowed phone contact. Have another hearing in 2 months. I am seriously considering walking away. When my ex oartner left the court with her new partner they drove past me laughing at me. Seems to think this is some sort of game.
Who did he say that to? The court? It's good you have another hearing and your son will have his own solicitor, but it is concerning he keeps talking about suicide. Sounds like he might be struggling. I think at the next hearing, in a position statement, you need to show the concerns for your son's state of mind and concerns as to what could be causing this - and drip feed the idea that the Mother might be putting him under pressure (without actually saying it). Is it written down somewhere that he said he'd jump off a bridge if he had to go to school?
He was suspended from school. We messaged about that. No argument. I just said I was there to support him. Told him he needs to make right choices at school. Then the next day on the 3rd July this year he messaged me saying I love you. Told him I loved him too. The next day he got suspended again. That is the last I heard from.him. Told CAFCASS some of the issues regarding other serious issues with my son and they wrote in the report that if what I was saying was true then my ex partner may have minimised these events. My ex in June also messaged me that my son was out of control in her house. CAFCASS said if that is true then my son may be a risk to others as well as himself. They supported phone contact with my son. The judge gave me zero contact. I have evidence of everything I said to CAFCASS.
Hi Ash. Yes, my ex emailed me saying my son refused to go to school for 4 days. She asked me to help. She then emailed saying she drops him off to school and next thing he is messaging her saying he would jump off a bridge if he has to go to school. My son was not in my care on that week. Now in her position statement she says my son only runs from school when he knows it is my contact day. She stated he only says he will threaten to commit suicide if he knows he has to go to me. I have so much evidence to back up everything I say. Just seems no one is interested in the truth. My ex has just got a new partner so it seems she wants to play happy families and wants me out the way. I am seriously considering walking away. Sick of the lies.
I'd take the I love you as a message to say he does, because things are getting difficult for him so anything he says after that he doesn't mean. By difficult I mean, if he's being alienated. And that can take many forms. Witholding things, threats, punishments. So just believe the last message and not anything he says after that. He may have been coerced into saying things after that.
As I said earlier, if things don't go well in this process, he will find you in a couple of years probably.
As I said earlier, if things don't go well in this process, he will find you in a couple of years probably.
Do you have legal representation? You have to double down with your lawyers - before the next hearing - on the concept of your son's welfare having been directly harmed by this alienation. The evidence is clear. The next steps should really include applying for a full psychological evaluation of your boy. The judge made a knee-jerk reaction, but this idea that because he's mentioned suicide in relation to visiting you, therefore no contact with you should occur. That is absurd.
Also, if he is threatening suicide it is no longer just an issue for CAFCASS/Family Court, etc. It's a medical issue which requires the proper intervention. It really does sound like your poor son has been put under so much pressure - probably for years - by his mother, that it has deeply impacted him emotionally. That's why it's called emotional abuse.
I know it sounds drastic but the next time you hear or know of him threatening to commit suicide I'd call 999. If it were me, I would do the same. Get that process kicked off of having medical notes taken.
I'm so sorry for what you're both going through. Please don't walk away, there are cases where fathers have fought tooth and nail in situations like this, even if you can never get exactly what you want, you will be a protective factor for him as long as you're fighting for him. The fight might have to change though, because this is not just a standard Family Law issue; your ex's abuse has severely damaged your son. If the court you are in is not recognising that, get a different court, appeal, get different lawyers, do what you have to.
I agree. If you walked away, your son is left with his Mother and you won't know how he is. He might feel abandoned. It's not normal to threaten suicide or get violent at school - it sounds like emotional pain. The court might appoint a Guardian so he has someone to keep an eye on things.
I had a barrister today but she cannot represent me again due to doing work for CPS from September. She was not the best. As my son has a guardian now he will be given a full psychological assessment. I have already spent over 20 thousand going to court many times. There has to come a point where you have to say your best was not good enough. I am.in debt due to solicitor and barrister fees. My barrister did say my son had been failed by social services and said we would want an investigation on what help he was given. When he was on a child protection plan he had to wait over a year for counselling. He had 3 sessions and that was the end. I then got him extra counselling but as he witnessed domestic violence I think that is still with him. I actually feel overwhelmed of losing him. I just hope one day when he is older he looks back on the good times we had.