Hi Everyone,
First, I want to thank anyone that takes the time to read this and/or provide advice... at my wits end and really need some help in how best to move forward.
I live in Scotland so if advice is tailored to that I'd be extremely grateful (sorry, not entirely sure if it's vastly different to English Law).
I'll try to summarise my story so far.
I've been separated from my ex for about 3 and a half years, my daughter is now 4 years old. It wasnt a very healthy relationship on reflection, my mental health suffered (and still is) significantly and I'm making absolutely no excuses but it led to an assault charge against me as I pushed her on once when we were together.
My family had told me several times before that I should leave etc before the mental abuse got to that point for me but obviously I didn't listen at the time.
After a drawn out process, I now get to see my daughter every weekend, alternate Christmas/New Years and for 2 non consecutive weeks during the year by court order. Initially my dad picked my daughter up but due to his ill health and with myself moving into my own home this is no longer going to be feasible long term (the pickup arrangements).
There have been continual issues over the course of the last 3.5 years where my ex is trying to remain in control of my life (yet saying I'm being controlling) that I have with my daughter.
I very rarely get informed of hospital/doctor appointments, nursery/schooling details and when I ask I'm shut down. Since getting my own place she has tried to dictate how I should collect my daughter, my ex and her new partner won't drop my daughter off at my own home, it has to be at my parents or my dad has to go and pick my daughter up.
Given my dads ill health this is no longer going to be a possibility but I don't drive; I mention that because on a couple of occassions I've arranged to pick up my daughter from a collection point not far from my exes house but on several occassions they say 'It's raining' or 'It's been raining so you can't take her and we'll drop her off at your parents (she gets her current partner to come up and tell me this).
The last two times my dad has been a bit better so has been waiting about 5 mins down the road and I've told them I'm getting a lift halfway but they still refuse to hand her over and say they'll drop her off at my parents - I just don't understand how they can dictate this? I've said I have a lift waiting? Also, they've said they dont want my daughter walking (about a mile and a half roughly) to my home so expect me to get some form of transport but I don't drive, and taxis are obviously additional costs (happy to pay but it's the principle really).
Also, how do they know I'm not planning on going to say another family members or taking my daughter to a close by restaurant for her dinner? I shouldn't have to tell them this should I?
Separate to that, I get her for 2 non consecutive weeks and alternate christmas/new year - I tried to politely arrange one of those weeks to be in the October holidays but she flat out refused and said the holiday time I get is in the Summer holidays - thats not the case, the court order states 'two non consecutive weeks during the school holidays each year' so now she is dictating which holiday term I can use my allotted time.
I've tried to negotiate and politely ask but it's always a no and she specifically said 'Your time is in the summer holidays'; we're now in June and I can't really negotiate my other week at any other time and to be quite honest I'm following the order and splitting the time over different periods; I am due to have my daughter a week monday for one of those weeks and now panicking she's going to withold her or cause trouble.
This is a regular occurrence and I feel she's trying everything she can to basically remove me from my daughters life - she's now said it'll have to be dealt with via solicitors, she seems to get legal aid and I imagine she will again whereas I don't so she knows it's a financial struggle for me not to mention the extreme impact it is having on my mental health; she keeps bad mouthing and insinuating I'm an abuser or that she's sick of me and can't wait til I'm out of her life
Trust me, I'd happily not interact with her but I'm trying to be an adult as the daughter we have together is most important - what she and her new partner also keep trying to do is mentioning they're thinking of my daughter's wellbeing etc, again insinuating I'm not by asking for one of my weeks to be in the October holidays.
There are other things and basically she is just not interested in negotiating or being reasonable and is continually obstructive but think I've rambled on enough,
I have tried to remain as polite and diplomatic as possible but it is just so difficult when it feels like she is getting away with dictating everything relating to when I see my daughter.
I now have to go back to my solicitor to move things forward which again will cost more money but if I'm going to pay out then I actually would prefer more contact with my daughter as I just can't go through this again every year. I don't know how likely it is that I could get residency given I've tried to be reasonable at every opportunity - I even allowed them to have my daughter for longer than stipulated on the court order at christmas but I get nothing like that in return.
A couple of other potentially relevant points:
She's had 3 previous children removed from her custody in the past (not sure exactly why but related to poor care or something)
I'm not certain she declared her partners income on the initial legal aid application and doubt she'll do so on the next claim
I'm not certain she has declared her partner has been living with her (for about 3 years) to council for council tax/rent
I'm not certain she's declared her partners income on universal credit claims
Her partner in conversation with my mum had said he was working 60 hour weeks - how on earth would she get legal aid or full benefits if he's working those hours?
I say not certain as when we were together she didnt declare i lived in the property when we were together (it was reported and we paid the arrears) so I'm assuming she's doing the same now
Being all nice hasn't really helped me and if anything she gets to be unreasonable and obstructive but if I were like that I feel I'd never get to see my daughter! I think the time to be calculated and strategic is now here but I don't know where to start. I have collated evidence of her behaviour such as texts and also recorded the refusal to hand my daughter over the other day but not sure if I should do more of that?
Sorry this is so long - and it's not even the half of how manipulative she has been
First, I want to thank anyone that takes the time to read this and/or provide advice... at my wits end and really need some help in how best to move forward.
I live in Scotland so if advice is tailored to that I'd be extremely grateful (sorry, not entirely sure if it's vastly different to English Law).
I'll try to summarise my story so far.
I've been separated from my ex for about 3 and a half years, my daughter is now 4 years old. It wasnt a very healthy relationship on reflection, my mental health suffered (and still is) significantly and I'm making absolutely no excuses but it led to an assault charge against me as I pushed her on once when we were together.
My family had told me several times before that I should leave etc before the mental abuse got to that point for me but obviously I didn't listen at the time.
After a drawn out process, I now get to see my daughter every weekend, alternate Christmas/New Years and for 2 non consecutive weeks during the year by court order. Initially my dad picked my daughter up but due to his ill health and with myself moving into my own home this is no longer going to be feasible long term (the pickup arrangements).
There have been continual issues over the course of the last 3.5 years where my ex is trying to remain in control of my life (yet saying I'm being controlling) that I have with my daughter.
I very rarely get informed of hospital/doctor appointments, nursery/schooling details and when I ask I'm shut down. Since getting my own place she has tried to dictate how I should collect my daughter, my ex and her new partner won't drop my daughter off at my own home, it has to be at my parents or my dad has to go and pick my daughter up.
Given my dads ill health this is no longer going to be a possibility but I don't drive; I mention that because on a couple of occassions I've arranged to pick up my daughter from a collection point not far from my exes house but on several occassions they say 'It's raining' or 'It's been raining so you can't take her and we'll drop her off at your parents (she gets her current partner to come up and tell me this).
The last two times my dad has been a bit better so has been waiting about 5 mins down the road and I've told them I'm getting a lift halfway but they still refuse to hand her over and say they'll drop her off at my parents - I just don't understand how they can dictate this? I've said I have a lift waiting? Also, they've said they dont want my daughter walking (about a mile and a half roughly) to my home so expect me to get some form of transport but I don't drive, and taxis are obviously additional costs (happy to pay but it's the principle really).
Also, how do they know I'm not planning on going to say another family members or taking my daughter to a close by restaurant for her dinner? I shouldn't have to tell them this should I?
Separate to that, I get her for 2 non consecutive weeks and alternate christmas/new year - I tried to politely arrange one of those weeks to be in the October holidays but she flat out refused and said the holiday time I get is in the Summer holidays - thats not the case, the court order states 'two non consecutive weeks during the school holidays each year' so now she is dictating which holiday term I can use my allotted time.
I've tried to negotiate and politely ask but it's always a no and she specifically said 'Your time is in the summer holidays'; we're now in June and I can't really negotiate my other week at any other time and to be quite honest I'm following the order and splitting the time over different periods; I am due to have my daughter a week monday for one of those weeks and now panicking she's going to withold her or cause trouble.
This is a regular occurrence and I feel she's trying everything she can to basically remove me from my daughters life - she's now said it'll have to be dealt with via solicitors, she seems to get legal aid and I imagine she will again whereas I don't so she knows it's a financial struggle for me not to mention the extreme impact it is having on my mental health; she keeps bad mouthing and insinuating I'm an abuser or that she's sick of me and can't wait til I'm out of her life
Trust me, I'd happily not interact with her but I'm trying to be an adult as the daughter we have together is most important - what she and her new partner also keep trying to do is mentioning they're thinking of my daughter's wellbeing etc, again insinuating I'm not by asking for one of my weeks to be in the October holidays.
There are other things and basically she is just not interested in negotiating or being reasonable and is continually obstructive but think I've rambled on enough,
I have tried to remain as polite and diplomatic as possible but it is just so difficult when it feels like she is getting away with dictating everything relating to when I see my daughter.
I now have to go back to my solicitor to move things forward which again will cost more money but if I'm going to pay out then I actually would prefer more contact with my daughter as I just can't go through this again every year. I don't know how likely it is that I could get residency given I've tried to be reasonable at every opportunity - I even allowed them to have my daughter for longer than stipulated on the court order at christmas but I get nothing like that in return.
A couple of other potentially relevant points:
She's had 3 previous children removed from her custody in the past (not sure exactly why but related to poor care or something)
I'm not certain she declared her partners income on the initial legal aid application and doubt she'll do so on the next claim
I'm not certain she has declared her partner has been living with her (for about 3 years) to council for council tax/rent
I'm not certain she's declared her partners income on universal credit claims
Her partner in conversation with my mum had said he was working 60 hour weeks - how on earth would she get legal aid or full benefits if he's working those hours?
I say not certain as when we were together she didnt declare i lived in the property when we were together (it was reported and we paid the arrears) so I'm assuming she's doing the same now
Being all nice hasn't really helped me and if anything she gets to be unreasonable and obstructive but if I were like that I feel I'd never get to see my daughter! I think the time to be calculated and strategic is now here but I don't know where to start. I have collated evidence of her behaviour such as texts and also recorded the refusal to hand my daughter over the other day but not sure if I should do more of that?
Sorry this is so long - and it's not even the half of how manipulative she has been