We have handovers at 6:30pm in a public place, a cafe. Been doing this since October, just after DD's 6th bday, and have been reliable. First few handovers the three of us walked down the road, 100 yards max. I gave DD a hug and crossed at the lights. This was too smooth for my ex. Solicitor letter asking me to stay at the cafe a few minutes after they leave so she can get away (mock fear of me waiting outside to ambush), I agree.
Ex has been turning up at the cafe and not taking DD with her. We hug and say goodbye, DD goes to mum, mum lets her come back to me, process repeats for 15-30 mins. Recently ex came in to have a go about how long it is taking. I told her I am not keeping DD "you have to take her with you, I cannot take her with you."
I challenged the idea of me staying at the cafe as likely to be ineffective and offered to work together on making handover smooth. Her last written take on this was that handovers are going well. I have reiterated to her and solicitor to let me know if there are any issues with handovers, told them I am eager to resolve any problems together.
Yesterday DD went to mum multiple times and was allowed to come back to me. She then refused to go to mum unless I carried her over. I took her in my arms and delivered her to mum. Then I walked back to my seat. She came back to me and refused again, asking me to carry her again. Mum remains about 20 metres away and starts taking photos/video with a digital camera. I smile and wave, saying to DD - look, mummy's taking pictures of us, smile and wave with me. This is the second time recently she has been recording. I got a triple promise from DD she would stay with mum if I agree to carry her again, she agrees and handover succeeds after approx 30 mins. DD says mum tells her it is her responsibility to make handover quick and she is under threat of punishment is she gets back late - no tv, no treat, no story, straight to bed...
This situation is being manipulated so she can claim I am "challenging the boundaries of contact". I've agreed not to walk away, I gently encourage DD without making her feel I am rejecting her. DD always wants to stay longer with me. I tell her that we have our arrangement and we need to stick to it, this secures her cooperation on my side and we get there on time as a result.
I'm tempted by emailing the solicitor after each handover, emailing her after each handover, telling her I am going to say goodbye and leave, filming handovers... It is doing my head in.
If I stay as requested I am in the wrong, if I leave I am a menace. This has been going on since March 2021, she was playing the same tricks when handover were in our respective homes. The best way of doing this would be for me to get DD to end of garden path, she would go in and have the door closed behind her. Pity I am such a menace, I cannot set foot on that road.
I don't feel I can remain silent on this much longer, what do you think of this as a stab at handling?:
Dear XXXX
I am very happy you reported that handovers are going well. All the same, I want to check in with you because they are taking quite a long time. does seem to relish the lengthy goodbyes and I'm sure she appreciates you allowing her to take some time. You often come over to us and highlight that time is passing, you did yesterday evening (24/6/22).
Please confirm that you will take her with you if ever you do need to leave on time/swiftly. There really is nothing further I can do to hurry things up if I continue to respect your request that I remain at the location until after you have left with our daughter. You sending her back to me so often is not a problem on my part. If you feel it helps her with the transition and allows for a happier departure - I can continue to be flexible.
Our daughter is always made available to you at the agreed location and the agreed time. I say goodbye to her and encourage her, sometimes even carry her, over to you. She is in your care from the moment of your arrival. Please be assured, if you exercise your prerogative under our CAO and leave swiftly with her, as you did on Sunday the 19th of June, there will be no resistence from me.
If it feels to you that handover could be improved, I remain open to your suggestions and will happily consider a co-parenting agreement to make things the best they can be.
Res.
Ex has been turning up at the cafe and not taking DD with her. We hug and say goodbye, DD goes to mum, mum lets her come back to me, process repeats for 15-30 mins. Recently ex came in to have a go about how long it is taking. I told her I am not keeping DD "you have to take her with you, I cannot take her with you."
I challenged the idea of me staying at the cafe as likely to be ineffective and offered to work together on making handover smooth. Her last written take on this was that handovers are going well. I have reiterated to her and solicitor to let me know if there are any issues with handovers, told them I am eager to resolve any problems together.
Yesterday DD went to mum multiple times and was allowed to come back to me. She then refused to go to mum unless I carried her over. I took her in my arms and delivered her to mum. Then I walked back to my seat. She came back to me and refused again, asking me to carry her again. Mum remains about 20 metres away and starts taking photos/video with a digital camera. I smile and wave, saying to DD - look, mummy's taking pictures of us, smile and wave with me. This is the second time recently she has been recording. I got a triple promise from DD she would stay with mum if I agree to carry her again, she agrees and handover succeeds after approx 30 mins. DD says mum tells her it is her responsibility to make handover quick and she is under threat of punishment is she gets back late - no tv, no treat, no story, straight to bed...
This situation is being manipulated so she can claim I am "challenging the boundaries of contact". I've agreed not to walk away, I gently encourage DD without making her feel I am rejecting her. DD always wants to stay longer with me. I tell her that we have our arrangement and we need to stick to it, this secures her cooperation on my side and we get there on time as a result.
I'm tempted by emailing the solicitor after each handover, emailing her after each handover, telling her I am going to say goodbye and leave, filming handovers... It is doing my head in.
If I stay as requested I am in the wrong, if I leave I am a menace. This has been going on since March 2021, she was playing the same tricks when handover were in our respective homes. The best way of doing this would be for me to get DD to end of garden path, she would go in and have the door closed behind her. Pity I am such a menace, I cannot set foot on that road.
I don't feel I can remain silent on this much longer, what do you think of this as a stab at handling?:
Dear XXXX
I am very happy you reported that handovers are going well. All the same, I want to check in with you because they are taking quite a long time. does seem to relish the lengthy goodbyes and I'm sure she appreciates you allowing her to take some time. You often come over to us and highlight that time is passing, you did yesterday evening (24/6/22).
Please confirm that you will take her with you if ever you do need to leave on time/swiftly. There really is nothing further I can do to hurry things up if I continue to respect your request that I remain at the location until after you have left with our daughter. You sending her back to me so often is not a problem on my part. If you feel it helps her with the transition and allows for a happier departure - I can continue to be flexible.
Our daughter is always made available to you at the agreed location and the agreed time. I say goodbye to her and encourage her, sometimes even carry her, over to you. She is in your care from the moment of your arrival. Please be assured, if you exercise your prerogative under our CAO and leave swiftly with her, as you did on Sunday the 19th of June, there will be no resistence from me.
If it feels to you that handover could be improved, I remain open to your suggestions and will happily consider a co-parenting agreement to make things the best they can be.
Res.