Court in Peterborough - order - not to contact my children

[Ash]

It is a weird system. In the end it doesn’t come down to the things you’d think. It comes down to winning a case. They will always put the child’s best interests first (not the same as their wishes). But they need to weigh up the harms and benefits in complex situations. I cannot see how it’s in your daughters interests to lose a parent and half their family, when there are no issues with you.

Some of these cases that transfer residence have comments by Judges that mistakes were made earlier on costing time and allowing things to get worse. So I think I would want it put right.

I also don’t see why the case has to be in Peterborough . Assume your exes solicitor requested that (it’s a sneaky thing they do - my ex solicitor requested a small local court that only has one useless family judge). So you can request it’s heard at a court near you - you’d need advice on how that works.

A good argument I saw was - child’s wishes are only one twelfth of the welfare checklist.

 

[Seb]

Hi,
I’m working long hours these days but it’s hard to focus and I blame myself for not doing enough to change these circumstances where children are been used by greed.
My ex used to tell me if I don’t buy her the things she want, she won’t let me see the children. Many other things that I refused and she has always talked me bad in front of them, complainings that the children started to point out as well when visiting me. I avoided to give them explanations and I remained with the hope that they will understand more when they will grow up and they should not be involved in the adults disagreements. They do not know my side of the story and they grow up with the lies they’ve been told.
I’m an optimist person, but still we don’t know how long time we have in life to be able to straighten things up, specially when you are put down and limited or forced to keep away.
I’m not going to give up on my children. Hope we all going to find ways to be involved and allow to care for our children.

 

[Ash]

So do you think you’re going to apply when the two years is up? You have time to prepare.

 

[Seb]

So do you think you’re going to apply when the two years is up? You have time to prepare.

Yes. I’m definitely going to apply again.
I’m also thinking suing the mother for all these false allegations that damaged my relationship with my children.
I’m not happy doing going back in courts, but at least there’s hope to find a proper judge to look at the facts and not only words.

 

[Ash]

You can't really sue unfortunately - many of us would like to! Family court doesn't deal with criminal matters and to do it as a criminal matter you'd have difficulty proving the case. If you're going back to court over your children you have to hide that anger and frustration at what your ex has done and actually show you're willing to be amicable and let her show herself up as the hostile one. Reason being, the courts consider conflict between parents as harmful to the children (and yeah I know not seeing them is also harmful). But you have to be whiter than white, It's partly why they hardly ever send Mothers to jail - because its not good for the kids knowing their Dad got their Mother sent to jail bu applying to court! Not my view but that;s the court's view generally. So you need to keep it child focused and never say anything negative about your ex - whatever she does.

 

[Seb]

You can't really sue unfortunately - many of us would like to! Family court doesn't deal with criminal matters and to do it as a criminal matter you'd have difficulty proving the case. If you're going back to court over your children you have to hide that anger and frustration at what your ex has done and actually show you're willing to be amicable and let her show herself up as the hostile one. Reason being, the courts consider conflict between parents as harmful to the children (and yeah I know not seeing them is also harmful). But you have to be whiter than white, It's partly why they hardly ever send Mothers to jail - because its not good for the kids knowing their Dad got their Mother sent to jail bu applying to court! Not my view but that;s the court's view generally. So you need to keep it child focused and never say anything negative about your ex - whatever she does.

I’ve always done this thinking with my heart instead and what’s best for the children and look where it got me. Lies, cheating, abuse, alienation from their mother and still she got away with everything, which I do not bother. I’m bothered by the way children are thinking at the moment about me. They think I’ve done all of them, not the mother. They will grow up and might be to embarrassed when they realise the how they acted in the past and will keep the distance. I should have proceed with the battery accusations when the mother was arrested for hitting me with the drawer on my head and kicking me in front of the children and adults. I did not respond with violence against her. I just called the ambulance and the police. I’ve been asked next day if I’m placing accusations, but I said no for the sake of the children not seeing their mother. It was during the separation period and I was hopping for a friendly and quick divorce. I did not know I was actually in a good position to keep the children to myself because of that. But I’m happy with my decision as the children were so little at the time and could still see us both.

 

[Ash]

It's very difficult. I think the outcome would have been the same even if you had reported it or brought it up at family court, because it would be seen as a domestic during separation and that she wouldn't actually harm the kids (although if the reverse was the case they would be different!). And you can't really bring things up after time.

The only way to deal with an alienating ex is get the best possible court order that ties her down tightly to ensure the kids have regular time with you and to so they have chance for more normality away from their Mother and a perspective. It's much harder for her to alienate them if they're not there as much and it also means they feel stronger about standing up to the odd thing because they know they have a safe place to go regularly - seeing you. When they can't see you they're a bit trapped - the only person providing for them - a roof over their heads and food - is the person who is keeping them there. And they need to survive and keep that person onside. It's a bit like Stockholm syndrome. Where they have affection and loyalty for their kidnapper.

One area where some Dads fall down is letting their anger against the ex show - and court sees that as parents fighting rather than doing their best for the kids - when actually that takes both parents to do their best! I can quite understand your fury at what she's doing - and it's better than getting depressed about it - but you need to channel that anger and never say anything negative about her at court - not the slightest criticism - or they just label you. A man criticising a woman must be an abuser and all that.

We live in a culture of victimisation, with womens aid believing all women and supporting them in their allegations. It has become ridiculous. At least Judges are more balanced and can spot a destructive ex from a victim.

So you need a strong application, strong position statements and asking for something that will provide a solution. If it's not a strong enough application you'll be met with apathy and dismissiveness because your daughter is now a teenager and your ex will say she is not going to "force" her to see you (that is such a common argument of alienators, and some Cafcass officers buy it, and some flakey Judges would say - well the law is a blunt instrument - can't force kids etc). But that is why you need a well worded strong application that is blindingly logical, reasonable and solution focused.

Sometimes it's about confidence. Understandably, we Dads can lack confidence when treated like xxxx by the system - but it's importance to have the belief that you're just as good a parent and why the heck shouldn't child spend equal time with both and be happy? The only reason why is because the Mother is obstructing and the child has no power.

So to give your child some power, you need a good court order and frankly I'd apply for sole residency on a near 50/50 basis. You may not get it though - but it shows you feel strongly and are serious about not wanting to give up on your daughter and have concerns about her emotional wellbeing. The argument being that "I would comply with court orders and ensure my daughter has healthy relationships with both parents and both families, which the Mother seems unable or unwilling to do".

 

[Seb]

It's very difficult. I think the outcome would have been the same even if you had reported it or brought it up at family court, because it would be seen as a domestic during separation and that she wouldn't actually harm the kids (although if the reverse was the case they would be different!). And you can't really bring things up after time.

The only way to deal with an alienating ex is get the best possible court order that ties her down tightly to ensure the kids have regular time with you and to so they have chance for more normality away from their Mother and a perspective. It's much harder for her to alienate them if they're not there as much and it also means they feel stronger about standing up to the odd thing because they know they have a safe place to go regularly - seeing you. When they can't see you they're a bit trapped - the only person providing for them - a roof over their heads and food - is the person who is keeping them there. And they need to survive and keep that person onside. It's a bit like Stockholm syndrome. Where they have affection and loyalty for their kidnapper.

One area where some Dads fall down is letting their anger against the ex show - and court sees that as parents fighting rather than doing their best for the kids - when actually that takes both parents to do their best! I can quite understand your fury at what she's doing - and it's better than getting depressed about it - but you need to channel that anger and never say anything negative about her at court - not the slightest criticism - or they just label you. A man criticising a woman must be an abuser and all that.

We live in a culture of victimisation, with womens aid believing all women and supporting them in their allegations. It has become ridiculous. At least Judges are more balanced and can spot a destructive ex from a victim.

So you need a strong application, strong position statements and asking for something that will provide a solution. If it's not a strong enough application you'll be met with apathy and dismissiveness because your daughter is now a teenager and your ex will say she is not going to "force" her to see you (that is such a common argument of alienators, and some Cafcass officers buy it, and some flakey Judges would say - well the law is a blunt instrument - can't force kids etc). But that is why you need a well worded strong application that is blindingly logical, reasonable and solution focused.

Sometimes it's about confidence. Understandably, we Dads can lack confidence when treated like xxxx by the system - but it's importance to have the belief that you're just as good a parent and why the heck shouldn't child spend equal time with both and be happy? The only reason why is because the Mother is obstructing and the child has no power.

So to give your child some power, you need a good court order and frankly I'd apply for sole residency on a near 50/50 basis. You may not get it though - but it shows you feel strongly and are serious about not wanting to give up on your daughter and have concerns about her emotional wellbeing. The argument being that "I would comply with court orders and ensure my daughter has healthy relationships with both parents and both families, which the Mother seems unable or unwilling to do".

Hi Ash,
Thank you for all the support and advises. I agree 100% with your comments and acting calmly towards these obstacles is the best way of moving forward. We might be put down by the system or the convincing lies of the ex-es but we shouldn’t gave up the hope and the willing to fight for the right and common sense mentality.
I would like to make my application with my own words but do not want my ex to see it. Otherwise she will make comments and allegations against my statements.
How can I ask the court to keep my documents seen only by the court? I’m not interested of her reasons or statements either.
I intend only to describe the good and bad times children had with my involvement in the past, the benefits they have experienced or what I’m capable to advise them or help them in their upbringing.
Will it be possible?
Thank you.

 

[Ash]

That is a difficult issue and one I have had concerns over too. But the way the system works is both sides have to share documents and submissions before hearings. It gives both sides a chance to prepare - because it’s an adversarial system. Having said that, there are times, when abuse is involved and it could put a child at risk of your ex sees what you have sent, that Cafcass or the court will order that statements be sent directly to the court and not shared.

That will depend on what your application says and what you say to Cafcass.

 

[Ash]

So for example if you say to Cafcass that you have serious concerns about emotional harm and coercive control of the child (not mentioning parental alienation) and that you feel it’s important evidence is only seen by the court and not shared between the parties- then they might recommend that in their report. Your application could also say something but you’d need to be careful there as your ex will see the application.

I understand the concern if you think your ex would punish or terrorise your daughter of she read about happy times or any info that your daughter has given you in confidence. Which is what alienators sometimes do.

It’s what makes everything so tricky in cases of alienation.

You are up against time as well - your daughter may be 14 or nearly 15 by the time it gets to a final hearing - which is not far off 16. And that’s the negative attitude with older children by the courts. But people do get orders for 14 year olds. There are arguments. They are still children who need parents.

How old will your daughter be by October?

 

[Seb]

How old will your daughter be by October?

Hi Ash, She's 13, will be 14 in January.
My other son is 16 now. Sent him the happy birthday wishes back in August via his big brother, which is 19 now and still lives with me. He thanked us with a vocal message via his brother's Insta acc, but after, Ive been told that he kinda regreting responding to us as I might use that in Court that could put him in trouble.
Also, I noticed my daughter checked my and my mum's(grandmother) TicTock accounts with a different username and after I replied with a like, she started been text abusive towards me and blocked the access. She called me a stalker, abusive father, alcoholic I felt lots of anger from her. I posted some videos of us with her step little sister as I know she was missing her from her last year messages, but now, she accused me of spoilling her and accused me of ruining her childhood and hopes my little daughter will realise what a horible father I've been to her and her familly. Soon after that I've deleted all my videos and did not post anymore.

There should be a way to intervene to avoid the children growing up with these misleading reality.

I'm intrigued by the fact that I've been kept away for more than 3 years from seen and speaking to my children and these liars and cheaters have managed to corrupt the system, using the all kind of allegations and wording to transform themselves into victims from the actual facts.

I feel like I'm grieving for my lost children and wish I could sue the Institutions for ignoring to follow the facts and investigate all the claims and persecute the liars. How a proven cheater that did not look after the children as a commited mother and wife, can now become the best person to guide them in life convincing them that they should not comunicate with 90% of their relatives and old friends. How these institutions were so convinced that all the words of a 10 year old and a 13 year old at the time were so at ease to speak for themselves deciding for their whole future, but allow to a 17 year old and a 3 year old continue living with me.

I'm not perfect myself, I learned and grown up along with the children as well, adapted to new changes in life, I've reflected about my actions at the difficult times. Looking at the general picture, I love my children with al my heart and all the decisions I've made were never intended with any harm but if you read the Mother's statements/allegations and the children's Guardian reports, I wish I can lock myself away too. Looks like only God is keeping me to believe in myself and gives me hopes that the good hearted people will win at the end.

The restriction of applying to the court for 2 years is coming to an end this month. I have no confidence that i'ts going to be different as I lost trust in organisations having a common sense as already proven. Maybe in other cases, but on mine it's been done more damage than protecting the children.

I might have better chances accusing the mother of false allegations having an impact over my relantionship with the children.

I'm advised by close and caring family/friends that the truth will come out one day when they will be able to understand more and think for themselves. Will it not be too late? I already feel that they're in doubt for trusting her mother knowing some of the reality already and will be hard for them to accept my unconditional love for them over the years. Why should they grow up with the fear that I'm looking to attract them and blackmail them into contacting me, into spend time with me or even that I want to hurt their mother or even them? That's not normal.

"Spread Love, not Hate" . Hope I can pass my motto to my children.

Looking for a good barrister, any recomandations are welcomed.
I will not giving up on my children.

There should be a proper court action where a qualified psihologist to be appointed to follow the track of events and the false statements/accusations and then the proven ones to be punished accordantely for misleading the courts and the Institutions. Any advise on that will be appreciated as well.

Sorry for my long writting. I'm trying to find ways into reconecting with my children in the most peacefully ways.

 

[Ash]

Hang in there. Will post more later.

 

[Kyle]

I'm sure we all share that feeling of grief with you. Grieving for a living child is indescribable. Your family and friends are spot on. The truth always comes out in the end and that's why the Whiter Than White mantra is so important on our part.

I've taken great interest in your story and honestly hurt for you. It is very hard to have confidence in a system that's so weak and woolly and even harder in one that has already let you down.

That said. The probability of the exact same outcome makes fighting on extremely worth while.

Keep rolling the die. Keep flipping the coin. Keep pushing the system. Don't give up.

I PM'd you the details of the Direct Access Barrister Chambers I am currently using.

 

[Ash]

What region are you in?

 

[Ash]

Despite bringing also evidence showing my daughter crying on social media of missing me

Once that was seen in court, your ex would know. These hate messages you're getting might not be your daughter. My ex often sends messages pretending to be my son, but I know it's her! They are never nice. But I see him regularly and we have a normal time and he knows I know it';s not him.

So time to apply again. I think you just need a well written application asking to spend time with your son and daughter (the ones under 16) and asking the court to order psychologists reports as you don't believe your children have a choice in seeing you and have been turned against you, which is harmful to them. List a bit of history. Eg Every other week-end since separation in x year - no issues. Ex remarried and moved further away, and prevented you seeing the children. You feel the childrens wishes were not ascertainable at the time as they were only seen with their Mother and not with you. That you know your daughter did want to see you but she was under pressure to reject you and not communicate with you at the time the last order was made.

The thing is - if they do order psychologists reports, they will probably say you have to pay for them. And if you use a barrister as well that is going to cost a lot of money. But you could start with using a direct access barrister.

I think as they've been away from you for two years with indirect contact only, it's going to be difficult, but you can but try. The difficulty is your ex will say they refuse to see you and the kids, if they're alienated will also say they refuse to see you. A good Judge would come down hard on the Mother and say it's her responsibility to say to the children what they are to do. The usual argument is - if they said they didn't want to go to school they'd still have to go.

 

[Ash]

I'm just wondering which court you'd need to apply to with the distance. Are you still in London?

 

[Ash]

It's the Family Court in the region where the children/Mother live. So I assume that would still be Peterborough?