Contact Centre Visit Tips, Do's and Don'ts?

[UkDad]

Hi everyone,

I will be going for my first contact centre visit soon to see my child who I haven't seen in months so very excited, although the visit will be supervised.

Might also have to anticipate the possibility of some alienation from the ex.

Can anyone with experience provide any tips? What to do/say? What not to do/say?

 

[mva]

How old is child ?

 

[UkDad]

How old is child ?

7 y/o.

 

[mva]

Go with a little present that can be interactive

Take snacks / drinks/ hand wipes

If the supervisor is literally eyes on you the whole time , invite her to get involved in any games etc. It will help relax everyone.

Try not to force cuddles etc onto your child, let them come to you.

Try not to get to emotional at the end of contact time as you need to be seen as calm and stable.

Get there early and try and do something calmer before.

Check the terms and conditions of the centre. They might have rules like no photos etc

Try and check if the centre has board games or an outside area. Bring games with you if not. Paper and pens are great.

Try and not get obviously frustrated with the sheer patronising demeaning situation. I.e. I wasn’t allowed to take my son to the toilet the supervised had to etc

If you kid any difficult questions have prepared some answers so your not caught on the hop.

I think it quite natural to worry about the first contact but your kid will probably be interactive , engaging and you kind of have to be led by them.

 

[Ash]

Great advice there from mva. Boy or girl?

 

[bujanin]

You don't say if it is supervised or supported. Either way be entirely positive because even supported sessions get a brief summary of the interaction at arrival and departure.

She's seven, as is my little one. I took a book and encouraged them to practice reading and I read too - it could be useful for you to be able to show that you are involved in their education. I also encouraged writing lists and basic grammar stuff. We did a couple of selfies of book reading. Plenty of play - we did some yoga and board games. This was useful in a future hearing to demonstrate that I took an active role in their development.

They'll probably have a tv in the centre so it's a chance to just sit back, snuggle up on the sofa and watch a film together.

I always took some snacks, a mix of fruits, some protein and chocolates.

Fortunatley at the end of most sessions my little one asked if they could spend more time with Dad which was written in the report which was helpful. I always planned the session but allowed for things to go off piste.

Sometimes my little one wanted to play with the toys in the centre, the dolls and stuff. So I sat there and read aloud whilst they did that - no pressure, just easy times.

Get there 10 minutes early be prepared to wait 10 minutes after they've left and do your best to get on well with the staff. No aggro.

Try to refer to it as a Family centre or something other than a contact centre. I think it's Ash who has written a really insightful post on why this word - contact - shouldn't be used.

 

[jafranks]

Hello UkDad,

I remember your position well. You must be extremely excited to reunite with your little one after a long period without. You may have some thoughts of it being a bit crap that it’s at centre - but I know you’ll be feeling more positive that the connection between you both is what’s most important and you should be proud you are heading that way, albeit at a centre and for now, supervised.

I did two years at a centre - I guess fairly recently. But don’t let that frighten you that it’s what you’ll have to do. I had a proper rubbish court proceedings!

Your first visit you’ll be so excited, with some good nerves. The carer supporting your time will most likely be watching other parents too… So could be in a room with other families. The two centres I went to overtime they never got involved except for simply sitting and writing notes. They’ll talk to the kids just like anyone else would but I wouldn’t say I’ve ever seen a carer giving advice to the parent.

One massive thing to remember is that the carers are on your side. Their priority is of the child. But they are with you and they aren’t there to make it difficult for you. Every carer I ever had with me and later down the line they spent three hours with me every weekend in the community - they aren’t fans of the family court system and they are on your side. They want you out of the centre.

With the above in mind. Be respectful and create a good relationship with the carers.

Its your time at the centre so do whatever you feel is right… try and not let other parents bother you - if they do. Just do your thing! Sometimes the environment can be stressful for some as it can be chaos with kids everywhere. But remember every other parent is there because they want to see their children and essentially in the same boat as you.

I used to turn up and the session was cancelled - either because the mum has cancelled it or the centre are short staffed. Keep your head, be practical and make suggestions of making that lost time up on your next visit. Don’t ever lose those hours, make sure you add them on the next visit. This will all be documented in their reports. So to your actions on such situations.


MVA has some great points for the practical side of things at the centre and totally agree.

Try and keep positive and it will progress! Let us know how you get on with your first visit!

 

[nothernsoul]

Amazing advice from above.

On my first visit I wrapped up a present each for mine. They then payed a game of seek to find them.

They were two Lego sets which worked out perfectly as we then had a shared goal to work towards and allowed us to really relax and talk between building bits.

I remember the feelings you have and the point above about the demeaning nature is crucial. I felt like that. I look back now with pride - that I was there for my angels. I turned up and I'd do it all again for them.

Be prepared for emotions. I had to take myself to the toilet for some deep breaths. We are humans and fathers. I didn't hold it in at the end when they had gone - it was just such a release of emotions.

I hope it goes well mate. Let us know.

 

[Resolute]

Be very careful about the rules. I have heard very different rules for different centres. Some have limitations on what you can bring and on presents. It may be the case that a present would be for after the session. One centre I was told of had rules to stop other kids feeling jealous or left out.

Loads of great advice above.

I would reinforce the points about something creative or active. Snakes and ladders, art, writing, cards... Let the conversation and other interactions have a vehicle. If there is something to do, the relationship will find its natural course.

If rules allow, I would be really eager to have make up, face paints, nail varnish, chalk hair colours, heat sensitive clothing (like a t-shirt that changes colour on touch), temporary tattoos... It is amazing how delighted my little one is if I allow my appearance to be altered. Doing stuff with my hair, nails, face... Is the best! This allows the start of physical intimacy/proximity without weirdness as well.

My other tip is to continually remind yourself that the child will find a perverse situation normal, if you treat it as normal. Do everything to focus on how wonderful it is to be with your child. They feel our resentment, they know if we are not happy. I find I must protect my baba from any of the negativity my ex's behaviour makes me feel. Be joyous! You deserve to feel joy.

I am really excited for you.

EDIT
I just thought, jewellery making is brilliant. It lets you leave a memory with eachother.

 

[Ash]

Apologies, I remember now, you have a daughter (can't remember her age though). She will be so happy to see you. You've had loads of great advice above and I agree that it's important not to look sad and to act casual about it all as if it's nothing too abnormal.

I believe she is of an age where she could ask questions so you might need a line or two prepared. Like - some people are helping sort things out so you can see both your parents and at the moment we have these sessions to look forward to.

You'll know the kind of things she likes. If she's nearing teens it could be a favourite comic maybe? Something you can do together would be good rather than something she does herself. (I also like the idea of lego but is she allowed to keep it or do you have to take it away again?)

I think they still sell magic paint books (or would that be too young for her?) Where you paint a drawing with water and the colours appear.

You can also get jewellery making kits (to make bracelets etc) and that could go down well. Even my son liked doing that and made one for me and one for him (they were polished stones rather than jewellery).

Something like this maybe?

Jewellery making kit

I used to take a pack of Uno cards and a rubiks cube whenever we went out It would stop my son fidgeting. So that might be an idea as well. Big fan of Uno.

This one might be better - wooden beads and gemstones. As the others say, you might need to check with the "Family" centre what you're allowed to bring as they might see some things as a safety risk (hence the second link might be better).

Bracelet making kit

 

[Ash]

Edit - just saw she is 7. A bracelelet making kit would appeal at that age (if it's allowed) - the bead ones are more unisex as well. Also just saw Resolute had already mentioned that.

 

[nothernsoul]

So many great ideas above.

If you've got a Range shop or something like that nearby they do little art boxes that are brilliant. Scratch art or foil art.

I have to say, my 6 sessions were absolutely amazing. I'll never forget feeling my heart beat as I heard them coming up the stairs the first time, not knowing what to expect but it took about 2 minutes for everything to fall into place - she will be just so happy to see her daddy.

My two still talk about the 'fun room' where we all played - they couldn't give a toss where or what it was, just that daddy was inside that room.

I had a detailed report after each visit and they were all glowing..I still go back and re read them from time to time.

A few stock answers are a great idea.