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Confused as to what to do with toxic ex and my daughter!

Here are the examples of application wording

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Sample wording for C100 application

Attached are two versions of sample wording for section 5b of the C100 form. The sample wording assumes it's for a Child Arrangements Application. One version is more of a straightforward application. The other version is more for if...
www.dadswithkids.co.uk www.dadswithkids.co.uk
 
Welcome Dad_headache.
If you find my original post you'll see you're not alone.
Your new girlfriend is a trigger.
Your ex is manipulating your daughter as she sees your girlfriend as a threat.
I think family therapy may be beneficial.
As others have said, girls really change at 9-10 and it's prime time for certain mothers to manipulate them.
 
I think a court order would be a good start :-) Hopefully family therapy won't be needed but if it gets to that point, it would need to be court ordered.
 
To be honest the more I think about it the more the idea of getting a court order is scaring me.

It seems an extreme solution. The ex will probably use it to paint me as the bad guy.
Plus, I am already worried about how I’m going to make time to have my daughter during the week on school holidays whilst working at the moment, just for one day. If I apply to have her more I might not be able to fulfil it. Giving the ex the gratitude of having me as the arrangement breaker.

Hmm. Not sure what to do.
 
It's always scary for people - but ultimately it gives you control over your life and stability for your daughter. You could always try mediation. You don't have to have half the school holidays - but then it wouldn't be able to be equal shared care. The general view is that you need enough time with the child to keep that bond and relationship and avoid estrangement. Especially if the ex is trying to achieve that.
 
I think the current schedule won't be workable now she's getting older. She will have friends and activities and won't want to break up a week-end. It's better if they have a full week-end with each parent, so their normal lives can carry on whoever they are with. The main reason people end up applying to court is when the ex won't agree to anything reasonable. And the danger is, once your daughter turns 11 you will get more of the "she doesn't want to come" and then it's much harder to get things sorted via the courts at that age. Once you have an order, it protects the relationship.

But you could try mediation first.
 
Obviously if you can smooth things over with the ex and keep things amicable, it would be better. Maybe let the dust settle for a week and then ask her to discuss changed arrangements as your daughter is getting older.

What concerns me is you're not getting overnights - and you used to have. And it's not normal for your daughter to have hysterics and want to go back to Mum. If you don't get overnights now, it'll never be a normal family relationship with your daughter, and the day only visits will wear thin as she gets older. But if you can persuade her (and your ex) to try overnights at week-ends again that would be good. I suspect though it's your ex preventing the overnights and dictating what your daughter does. Because she can - because there is no order to say your daughter is in your care at certain times.
 
Thanks Ash. It’s so kind of you to be spending your time offering this advice.

I think if I look back the ex has never really had the aim of completing blocking my contact. In fact when we first broke up we did both agree on a 50/50 parenting arrangement. I had my daughter 3 days a week and overnights. It only really changed as I transitioned from a self employed job to an employed job and then simply couldn’t have my daughter on weekdays during the day time.

We agreed on just Saturday because of the inability to have my daughter overnight due to the hysterics. Then during school holidays I’ve managed to have her a full day each week by a mixture of hiding it from my boss, working from home, and using holiday allowance.

The ex equally complains that she wants me to have my daughter more and despite refusing to let me take her away overnight has requested that I do have her more when I’m in my own house.

So, I know one can never say never, and there is always a possibility she could suddenly change her mind and become even more problematic with letting me see my daughter, I don’t see that as the main issue.

My chief concerns were the fact she and or her mum (who my daughter often stays with ) are making terrible choices on diet and excercise which is resulting in a serious weight issue.

She is creating/ compounding my daughters mental health issues. Allowing an argumentative environment to exist whilst also mollycoddling her.

Also, the fact she is obvs bad mouthing me and discouraging my daughter from undertaking certain activities that she actually would really enjoy and benefit from.

So, this is my concern with the court route. Am I over reacting. And could this play further into my daughter’s anxiety. (“Mummy and daddy are going to court over me”).
 
Hmm, sometimes they seem reasonable during the early years post separation.
But now she is creating problems, probably prompted by you having a new partner.

It's probably worth having a chat about how you can move forward before trying court.

If this doesn't happen/help then consider mediation.

If this does help then try court as a last resort.
 
It is concerning when you can't control the lifestyle choices your ex is making. In that case all you can try and do is pick up the pieces as you go along. Alternatively, if you did feel you wanted more say, then a 50/50 order would mean you have more control over your daughter's lifestyle. Half the time she would live with you and learn good habits and a different way of doing things that could become the norm - and more time away from her Mother so she can have better critical thinking to make good decisions.

There is no rush though - take your time to think it through. One thing I think helps is to think - what would I do if the ex dropped dead tomorrow? In that situation you would have full time care of the child and would have to work. You would do what most parents do and use after school clubs, playgroups and have friends and family help out, or even change job so you have flexitime. If you're happy with the limited time. that's ok but you will have less say over her lifestyle if she lives with her Mum most of the time.
 
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