Children Abroad

[Piorski]

Hi all! Hope I'm posting in the right place here, am looking for advice / support if possible about my situation.

Bit of a background, met and started seeing my ex in 1998, married my ex in 2004 (we are both British), had 2 wonderful children together (2009 m and 2011 f). We moved to Singapore together in 2013, then to Scotland 2015, my ex was offered a job in the UAE in 2017 and she accepted. She has always been the financial bread winner of the relationship whereas I was more hands on with raising both the children. She moved to the UAE in April 2017 and I followed there in August 2017 with the children. There had been some tension between us for a good few months before this (generally not getting along). I found strong evidence she had been unfaithful soon after moving there with the kids, confronted her but she said it was someone messaging her just because he was drunk (I gave her the benefit of doubt). We had been bickering with each other and unfortunately had a physical fight when I was attacked by my ex (who had quite a temper) and defended myself. We both ended up bruised but my ex ended up a little worse than me.
After some months we agreed to separate there in the UAE - I was struggling for work / to support myself / eat after separating and she was on a tax free 6 figure salary. I was doing what I could to survive out there ended up living in squalor in a cockroach infested accommodation . I was in denial still in this situation and still loved my ex although she had clearly moved on. Had a medical emergency out there (thankfully the insurance my ex had was for family and as we were still officially married I was covered) - so was treated asap, if I wouldn't have had this cover over in the UAE then I would not be alive at this stage (although the NHS in England could have sorted me). The penny really dropped for me when my ex / children because of her didn't come visit me in hospital. I admit I did send her some not so nice messages and was snappy with her (she blocked me so could not get in touch with my children) and in March 2019 I moved back to the UK as I was struggling too much financially. Just before my move out to the UK (when my ex knew I was about to leave) she entered my premises (whilst I was looking after the children without me allowing her in / authority) and started screaming to get attention from the authorities. Nothing much happened after, this really scared my children.

Few months of coming back to the UK I managed to secure myself a job (still employed - not the best of jobs but am doing OK), have myself a new other half and so happy we are looking to get married next year. In between I had dated other ladies which taught me that not all women are the same (having been faithful to my ex for 20 years) and after kissing many frogs finally found my queen!

My ex filed for divorce in the UAE and on the divorce certificate there were accusations there which were not true. I have only seen the translated document recently, it's still raw but I accept out of my control.

She has asked me for financial contribution to the children which I started to pay earlier this year (£200 pcm for both children).

She is pressing me to set up a parental agreement, the children came over to stay with me this summer for a few weeks which was magical. They properly met my partner then also and it had seemed to have gone really well. My partner has no children herself, and my kids have taken really well to her but I have made sure that I was available to be with my kids for much of the time without my better half in case they had any questions.

My ex is talking about moving to the UK next summer (2022). We are now on more civil terms but I simply don't trust her. Given my situation I would like some advice on

- Can my ex screw me over for anything? (given I don't trust her)
- I may be having a child with my new partner, will this change anything legally?
- Any other relevant advice would be much appreciated

Thank you for reading

 

[Ash]

Hi. You’ve been through it. Glad you’ve now met a nice lady. It sounds like you’re getting to see the kids, which is the main issue many Dads have after separation, but assume this is dependent on pleasing your ex?

so financially the only thing you’re obliged to pay is Child Maibtenance at the assessed rate (you can check on Cms calculator or have a formal assessment). If you’re paying more than that by agreement that’s seen as a family based arrangement (until it’s no longer agreed).

I think you do right to be wary of what might happen next. Yes ex’s can sometimes cause issues with seeing the kids when you have a new partner. Yes they can try and blackmail you over divorce finances by withholding the kids. But it sounds like the finances are more on her side! Any property you joint own?

I would suggest having the kids as much as you can, by agreement as then if or when you have to apply to court for an order you will get back what you had before. If you think it isn’t enough then you could apply for a Child Arrangements order but cases are taking a long time due to Covid. A first hearing should be by six weeks though so if she ever stopped then coming you should get an interim order at first hearing.

She sound the type who may take advantage of the system though and make allegations (accusing you of dv even if it was mutual at the time).

She may start to change how she wants things when she’s back in the Uk as well.

It does sound positive that she wants a parenting agreement though. That is something which although not enforceable by a court, is helpful to prove what has been happening and what the agreement was - if she ever changes it. Also if she agrees to a parenting agreement she can hardly claim historic dv when she’s happy to let the kids come to you all this time.

There’s a parenting plan template on here which is a good guide to the type of things you could cover under a parenting agreement.

Has she said what she wants in one?

 

[Piorski]

Thanks for the response Ash, good to have another opinion on the matter.

I have just also spoken to a family solicitor who have told me as the children are with their mother abroad then when they come back to the UK the courts will want to keep them with her as they've been with her since I was forced out of the country. This I have just learnt and it's very upsetting. Both my children have been telling me (and my ex also) that they want to live with me permanently.

Thanks for reading

 

[Ash]

That may be the case but. But no reason you can’t apply for a shared care order. The options would be a) Lives with Mother, spends time with Father - or Lives with both parents (doesn’t have to be 50/50. The courts will want to ensure the children have significant and regular time with both parents - providing no serious welfare issues.

My concern would be waiting - she says she’s moving back to the Uk next year but might not. On the other hand if she is agreeing to kids staying with you in holidays then you might not want to rock the boat by applying to court while she’s out of the country.

From now on, document everything- keep all emails abd texts, proof of agreements for time, difficulty getting arrangements agreed etc.

Ideally the kids would live with both of you.