Hi All, I was arrested last year based on Dv allegations after an argument with my wife. We had a few arguments and police were called a few times. I was placed on bail for 4 weeks and not allowed any contact with my daughter and was told to speak to child services if I need to see my daughter. I have tried contacting child services to arrange contact and I wasn’t aware of the process or what child services actually can and can’t do as I am not from this country. After repeatedly being ignored by the child services regarding contact at the end of my bail the police contacted me to tell me that no further action will be taken and I was free to return to the family home. I contacted child services again to see if I can see my daughter to which they said I need to attend a meeting with my wife. At the time I felt that I was not being fairly and very stupidly went to the nursery to see my daughter. I was not allowed to see my daughter by the nursery as the child services have called them and told not to allow contact. After a week they said that they arranged a child protection conference and it was decided that my daughter will be placed in child protection plan due to her being at the risk of emotional harm. I didn’t know the process at all and was shocked to see how they can so easily separate me from my daughter based on allegations. They said I had to go on a perpetrator course to be allowed contact. I had to agree as they that was the only way forward. In the initial assessment for the perpetrator course I have explained to them about the things that were going on in our marriage. They didn’t accept me into the course as they felt that I am not a perpetrator and suggested I get help as I may be a victim of domestic abuse. I was only allowed 3 hrs of supervised contact in child services office during this process which took about 6 months. My wife has been in touch with me on and off during this period. At the child protection plan review they said in the report that father is not accepted into the course as he doesn’t recognise that he is a perpetrator and blamed mother’s mental health. That was not true as I have asked them 2 or 3 times to accept me into the course. The child services said to arrange contact at a centre. The mother denied contact as I said that I am not interested in continuing the relationship. I chased child services regarding contact and they said that the mother is not happy with the time. I had to chase the contact centre to change the time and finally weekly 1 he supervised contact started in February. After 3 weeks I was told mother and daughter are going on a holiday for 6 weeks and the contact would continue after that. I have raised concerns about the mother not returning back to the uk and was told that was not the case. I agreed for them to go on holiday hoping the contact would resume after they came back. I was told that the mother has stopped contact indefinitely citing my daughter is distressed after meeting me. That was not true at all as my daughter refused to leave me when the contact session finished. During this period the social worker has left the job. A new social worker was assigned and she doesn’t respond to calls at all and I am told that my only option is to take legal action. We had a joint mortgage which comes out of my account. My wife has stopped paying her share of the nursery fee since three months. I have gone into debt because of all this and can’t afford legal fees at the moment. Apologies for the long post. Any advice is much appreciated. Thanks, ubm.
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Child in protection plan. Supervised contact stopped.
- Thread starter ubm
- Start date
Very sorry to hear you're in this situation. The bit where I got confused was when you said that after the bail the Police said no further action and you were free to return home. If you returned home at this point you would see your child wouldn't you? So presumably you either didn't return home or your ex didn't want you back. The fact is, the police closed the case with no further action - therefore you are no longer on bail or considered a suspect for prosecution over anything. So how can social services decide you are a domestic abuse perpetrator if the Police closed the case with no further action? That is probably the point where you needed to have submitted an application to family court, rather than deal with social services. Anyway you were advised to deal with childrens services (social services) and it hasn't gone very well. Six weeks away on holiday is enough time to try and wipe you out of the child's head.
So you had contact centre time arranged but the Mother is now refusing that. Where are you living now and are divorce proceedings going on as well?
The organisation you saw who said you weren't a domestic perpetrator - try and get something in writing from them confirming what they told you.
So what you will need to do to see your child now is apply to the family court. However - do not make any allegations about the ex or mention her mental health in the application. Because if you do that will be classed as an allegation. Your ex is almost certain to make allegations about you. If you both make allegations against each other it could turn into a very long, protracted case taking a year or two and by which time your child could have forgotten you or become estranged.
So you need to think tactically. Many Dads fall into the trap of trying to defend themselves against the Mother's allegations by making counter allegations and all that does is just help the court to decide there is conflict between the parents and they think that is bad for the child so you end up with the same situation you have now - child gets left with the Mother and you might get "indirect contact only" - which is just letters or the odd phone call basically.
So the thing to do is keep it child focused, factual and not blame the ex. We can help you with the C100 application and there is some sample wording for it in the "Legal Resources" section in the main menu (or top of the page if you're on computer).
You need to ask for a Child Arrangements order to see your child, stating that you are separated due to arguments and you wish to co parent for your child's best interests with both parents. That the Police have been involved but closed the case with no further action and you were seeing your child in a contact centre until recently, as that is all the Mother would agree to, but then the Mother took the child abroad for 6 weeks and is now refusing to let the child see you. And you're asking for an interim order for time to be reinstated, pending a final order.
So you had contact centre time arranged but the Mother is now refusing that. Where are you living now and are divorce proceedings going on as well?
The organisation you saw who said you weren't a domestic perpetrator - try and get something in writing from them confirming what they told you.
So what you will need to do to see your child now is apply to the family court. However - do not make any allegations about the ex or mention her mental health in the application. Because if you do that will be classed as an allegation. Your ex is almost certain to make allegations about you. If you both make allegations against each other it could turn into a very long, protracted case taking a year or two and by which time your child could have forgotten you or become estranged.
So you need to think tactically. Many Dads fall into the trap of trying to defend themselves against the Mother's allegations by making counter allegations and all that does is just help the court to decide there is conflict between the parents and they think that is bad for the child so you end up with the same situation you have now - child gets left with the Mother and you might get "indirect contact only" - which is just letters or the odd phone call basically.
So the thing to do is keep it child focused, factual and not blame the ex. We can help you with the C100 application and there is some sample wording for it in the "Legal Resources" section in the main menu (or top of the page if you're on computer).
You need to ask for a Child Arrangements order to see your child, stating that you are separated due to arguments and you wish to co parent for your child's best interests with both parents. That the Police have been involved but closed the case with no further action and you were seeing your child in a contact centre until recently, as that is all the Mother would agree to, but then the Mother took the child abroad for 6 weeks and is now refusing to let the child see you. And you're asking for an interim order for time to be reinstated, pending a final order.
Thanks for the reply Ash. When the police said that there will be no further action they said that legally there is nothing stopping me from going to the family home and as they called me on the weekend they advised me to contact child services before going to the family home. I didn't go to the family home as I didn't want to deal with my wife making allegations again and me going through the whole ordeal again. Whenever the police were called my wife would make allegations but wouldn't provide a statement. I called the police whenever she was acting erratic throwing things at me, banging her head on the wall etc., No matter who called the police I was the one who would be either arrested or told to leave the property and come back when she calmed down.
I was isolated from my family and friends and the lockdown was very hard. After seeing how child services have been handling this I lost complete faith in the system. Now my worry is if I initiate legal action there is a good chance that my wife would take our daughter to our home country and leave and there is no way of me even knowing it.
Could you please advise if there is a way to stop that from happening? I have contacted a few law firms regarding the whole situation and they said they charge around 300 plus vat per hour. So I am not even sure if I can even afford legal action with my current situation. Thanks, ubm.
I was isolated from my family and friends and the lockdown was very hard. After seeing how child services have been handling this I lost complete faith in the system. Now my worry is if I initiate legal action there is a good chance that my wife would take our daughter to our home country and leave and there is no way of me even knowing it.
Could you please advise if there is a way to stop that from happening? I have contacted a few law firms regarding the whole situation and they said they charge around 300 plus vat per hour. So I am not even sure if I can even afford legal action with my current situation. Thanks, ubm.
You could ask for a prohibited steps order on the same form you apply for Child Arrangements. To prohibit the Mother from removing the child from the country.
What you need is something from the Perpetrator course to confirm what they told you. At the moment, if social services say you didn't accept you were a perpetrator, then Cafcass might also recommend you do a course before you can see your child.
So you could prepare for that in advance and do a "Temper" course. And say to the court that x place told you the course wasn't suitable but you have started a Temper course (Temper is the name of the organisation). If your ex makes the same allegations again then Cafcass are likely to say you need to do a course so if you do one in advance, it could help. This doesn't mean admitting you're an abuser - it just shows (and you can say) that you have done this to learn more.
Temper course - click here
What you need is something from the Perpetrator course to confirm what they told you. At the moment, if social services say you didn't accept you were a perpetrator, then Cafcass might also recommend you do a course before you can see your child.
So you could prepare for that in advance and do a "Temper" course. And say to the court that x place told you the course wasn't suitable but you have started a Temper course (Temper is the name of the organisation). If your ex makes the same allegations again then Cafcass are likely to say you need to do a course so if you do one in advance, it could help. This doesn't mean admitting you're an abuser - it just shows (and you can say) that you have done this to learn more.
Temper course - click here
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Thanks for the reply Ash. I have got in touch with the temper course and they have slots available for June. It costs about 500 pounds. Regarding contact being stopped, the reason she gave to child services was that my daughter was distressed after meeting me. I was told by child services to get legal advice. I spoke to a friend to whom she told that my daughter was crying after meeting me because she misses me and she is unable to control her and that's the reason she stopped contact. The actual reason I think is as I told her that I don't want to get back with her she is doing this to make me go back. She stopped paying her share of the nursery fees which is about 500 pounds.
My question is Can I stop paying the nursery fees and bills I am paying at the family home so that I can afford the course and legal advice or will that be viewed as a negative by the court when I go to the hearing.
Thanks,
UBM.
My question is Can I stop paying the nursery fees and bills I am paying at the family home so that I can afford the course and legal advice or will that be viewed as a negative by the court when I go to the hearing.
Thanks,
UBM.
Hi All,
An update after the previous post. We had a child protection conference in June. Prior to the conference, the social worker told my wife that my daughter can be taken off the child protection plan if my wife agrees to sign a document saying that she won't be getting back into a relationship with me. I met my wife's cousins and they said that my wife is not willing to provide any contact if I am not going back into the relationship. My wife called me and said that she is not going to sign the document and won't allow contact if I am not going back into the relationship. The child protection conference happened and they decided that my daughter will still be on the child protection plan and contact should be supervised by a friend if my wife agrees to it. They also suggested we do marriage counseling. My wife insists on being present during the contact and uses this as an opportunity to trigger an argument. I am really uncomfortable at these sessions and can't take the constant abuse. I can't suggest anything and talk back if she accuses me of doing something. I want to take legal action but can't afford it at the moment. I am thinking of stopping the payments at the family home but I am scared if that might be viewed negatively when this goes to court.
An update after the previous post. We had a child protection conference in June. Prior to the conference, the social worker told my wife that my daughter can be taken off the child protection plan if my wife agrees to sign a document saying that she won't be getting back into a relationship with me. I met my wife's cousins and they said that my wife is not willing to provide any contact if I am not going back into the relationship. My wife called me and said that she is not going to sign the document and won't allow contact if I am not going back into the relationship. The child protection conference happened and they decided that my daughter will still be on the child protection plan and contact should be supervised by a friend if my wife agrees to it. They also suggested we do marriage counseling. My wife insists on being present during the contact and uses this as an opportunity to trigger an argument. I am really uncomfortable at these sessions and can't take the constant abuse. I can't suggest anything and talk back if she accuses me of doing something. I want to take legal action but can't afford it at the moment. I am thinking of stopping the payments at the family home but I am scared if that might be viewed negatively when this goes to court.
If you want to draft your 5b wording, I can have a look at it and make suggestions, if you PM me with it 
But yes it needs mentioning that she is witholding the children, as that is a fact, that presumably you can evidence at some point, and a reason for the application.
But yes it needs mentioning that she is witholding the children, as that is a fact, that presumably you can evidence at some point, and a reason for the application.Hi All,
Quick update on the matter mentioned above. I have decided to move back to the family home in Feb. We had a holiday visiting family in Dec. My wife and daughter came back in Jan I stayed abroad until Feb and I moved straight into the family home as I figured we didn't have any issues in the holiday and I could be with my daughter if I moved back. Last week Child Services removed my daughter from the plan and took a signed document from us saying that if we have issues in the future then they will be applying to court for parental responsibility. We have been having arguments again for the past week and my wife is not allowing me to spend any time with my daughter. She is asking me to go away for a couple of days until I sort myself out meaning apologise to her and never talk back to her. I am worried that if the police were to get involved again the child services would go to court and I might never see my daughter.
Quick update on the matter mentioned above. I have decided to move back to the family home in Feb. We had a holiday visiting family in Dec. My wife and daughter came back in Jan I stayed abroad until Feb and I moved straight into the family home as I figured we didn't have any issues in the holiday and I could be with my daughter if I moved back. Last week Child Services removed my daughter from the plan and took a signed document from us saying that if we have issues in the future then they will be applying to court for parental responsibility. We have been having arguments again for the past week and my wife is not allowing me to spend any time with my daughter. She is asking me to go away for a couple of days until I sort myself out meaning apologise to her and never talk back to her. I am worried that if the police were to get involved again the child services would go to court and I might never see my daughter.