Back again!

[DependableDad]

Hello again!

Thought I'd post an update as haven't been very active in the last few months.

Since September, things had been a bit up and down but genuinely thought reconciliation was on the cards. Boy was I wrong!

So I walked away from her and clearly set out what my barriers on comms etc..

Mediation again now starts early January as both MIAM's will be complete and we will be discussing overnights. Have also now received a letter from CMS, which is my conundrum.

As I have no idea what my ex is going to agree too from an overnight perspective, it is a little confusing!

She knows I would like 50/50 care and originally but she has become so uncommunicative I have not got a clue how she will be.

On all my pick ups and drop offs I am polite and civil too her but she will never address me at all. I do email myself everytime to keep as a record.

Has anyone got any advice? The CMS letter states 14 days to contact, is that from the date of the letter or the date payments are calculated from? If its the latter, the 14 days is conveniently 1 day after mediation.

DD

 

[Roblox]

On the cms point how many nights a week do you have kids at present? It sounds like possibly none?

You probably know this anyway but cms is assumed one night a week with the non resident parent if parents don't agree and there is no written agreement (usually needs to be a court order)

After mediation you could tell them what's been agreed (if anything) and send over the meditator notes.

 

[DependableDad]

Hi,

I'm curious to know how anyone else has dealt with a co-parent that just doesn't communicate or showcase respect tp the other parent in front of their child.

Every pick up and drop off I am polite, will say hello, ask questions about our child, inform her of anything important like last nap etc and say goodbye. But when your coparent cannot even showcase basic manners, what do you do? Rhetorically that is.

I walk away, knowing I've done the right thing for our child and also being polite and respectful as that's best for him. But tonight I walked away and said to myself, how bloody rude to myself but that was the polite version.

In the early stages and we are still early I suppose in the separation after 8 months she talked a lot about respect to her. Funny how she does not practice what she preaches. Xmas I gave some thoughtful gifts from our son to her and also to her other child from him, as well as a token gift gift to them each myself. As I believed that's best for our son. Now it's not about receiving but to receive back from our son, he's 14 months so he had no input, a secret santa gift she had received ( know this as I was her secret santa at work!) and a cheap box of chocolates.

I do struggle to comprehend what her perspective is and how she can truly believe this is in his best interests?

DD

 

[Richie1989]

Hi,

I'm curious to know how anyone else has dealt with a co-parent that just doesn't communicate or showcase respect tp the other parent in front of their child.

Every pick up and drop off I am polite, will say hello, ask questions about our child, inform her of anything important like last nap etc and say goodbye. But when your coparent cannot even showcase basic manners, what do you do? Rhetorically that is.

I walk away, knowing I've done the right thing for our child and also being polite and respectful as that's best for him. But tonight I walked away and said to myself, how bloody rude to myself but that was the polite version.

In the early stages and we are still early I suppose in the separation after 8 months she talked a lot about respect to her. Funny how she does not practice what she preaches. Xmas I gave some thoughtful gifts from our son to her and also to her other child from him, as well as a token gift gift to them each myself. As I believed that's best for our son. Now it's not about receiving but to receive back from our son, he's 14 months so he had no input, a secret santa gift she had received ( know this as I was her secret santa at work!) and a cheap box of chocolates.

I do struggle to comprehend what her perspective is and how she can truly believe this is in his best interests?

DD

Yes exactly that same scenario for me and I don’t change a thing. I just kill with kindness which seems to annoy her even more but means she knows I am not falling for her traps. She would love for me to fall out or pass comment about how rude she is. Her body language is sooo cold! If I was you I would just let it go over my head. It is a bit better for me now but it’s been over 18 months since we split.
Like you I buy presents in the past and yes it’s definitely the right thing to do but if you don’t mind it not being replicated then don’t stop. Suppose it’s all about not letting them get in your head! One way of doing things to prevent it potentially triggering you is use 3rd party person for all changeovers. Prevents them potentially making things up as well. I used witness and then also 3rd party. Don’t now but everything is filmed by CCTV at both properties. Sadly these people love to get a response from you and then also enjoy peering into your soul when you communicate with emotion. It’s all about control for them so not responding at all they really don’t know what to do. What ever you do don’t lose your temper or allow them to get in your head

 

[DependableDad]

Thanks Richie.

Yeah I would never let my emotions get the better of me in front of our son or ex. Each time, regardless of how I'm feeling I walk away knowing I've done the right thing and feel better for me and our child.

I will always carry on doing the right and moral thing in any aspect as its best for our child.

Little things like he is only ever in clothes that I have bought him when I pick him up for full days annoys me. I had a full day yesterday and today and he was still in the same clothes, dirty socks and all! The mind boggles!

This avoidant, non-communication aspect, do you belive this is a narcissistic trait?

DD

 

[Richie1989]

Thanks Richie.

Yeah I would never let my emotions get the better of me in front of our son or ex. Each time, regardless of how I'm feeling I walk away knowing I've done the right thing and feel better for me and our child.

I will always carry on doing the right and moral thing in any aspect as its best for our child.

Little things like he is only ever in clothes that I have bought him when I pick him up for full days annoys me. I had a full day yesterday and today and he was still in the same clothes, dirty socks and all! The mind boggles!

This avoidant, non-communication aspect, do you belive this is a narcissistic trait?

DD

Yes exactly, not worth losing sleep over and yes I 100% think it’s a narcissistic trait. They enjoy twisting things, manipulating people, gaslighting you when you question them. To them getting certain predictable responses they have been used to before splitting allows them to think they still maintain some kind of control. I used to always respond to her rubbish with emotional responses and then once i did she would then close me out. Again control responses to sooth some inner insecurity. They never stop until they get their next person to suck blood from. However, being bonded through a child we can never actually get away from them. We just need to learn how to manage our relationship with them while simultaneously protecting our little ones and ourselves. Suppose the good thing for me is my ex is good with our little one and she doesn’t talk bad of me in front of her. My exs mum does but not my ex so fortunately my daughter doesn’t get directly affected by it all. My ex purely enjoys playing games with me, she really struggles with me being a hand on daddy so her games are time restriction, lying about things etc and then denies it all. Crazyiness! But again the good thing is she doesn’t alienate me verbally to my daughter but she is a full on narcissist

 

[DependableDad]

So a quick update, my young 14 month old son is currently with me and sleeping away soundly on his first overnight!
After first round of mediation we agreed on the initial 4 weeks of one overnight stay at the weekend and she is amenable to going 50/50.
Mediation was strange as it was shuttled and online as she said she gets flustered, trying to get my head around that still!
Messaged my ex as discussed on handover, as this was her and his first night apart and thought it was the right thing to do, to let her know he is all good and all I get is a thumbs up to the message, is she struggling more than she is letting on?
Any tips on where to go from here?

 

[Richie1989]

So a quick update, my young 14 month old son is currently with me and sleeping away soundly on his first overnight!
After first round of mediation we agreed on the initial 4 weeks of one overnight stay at the weekend and she is amenable to going 50/50.
Mediation was strange as it was shuttled and online as she said she gets flustered, trying to get my head around that still!
Messaged my ex as discussed on handover, as this was her and his first night apart and thought it was the right thing to do, to let her know he is all good and all I get is a thumbs up to the message, is she struggling more than she is letting on?
Any tips on where to go from here?

Great to hear you have your first over night. Chuffed for you?
My only concern is without a sealed order your ex could play funny buggers again. However, the important thing is of your ex is happy to move towards 50/50 in time then at least you have something to work with. Do you have any bring formal in writing? Maybe you could be clever and ask her to write down how she see things moving forward so you have something visual to work with. Then if your ex does in time mess about you have something to show the courts just in case you do need to submit C100 in time.

With regards to the reply from your ex that is textbook response when they are struggling yes or just being cold for the sake of it. For example I once messaged my ex simply saying “just to let you know **** is having a great time, all is well”. She responded “ok, I get it!”. Then after that during pickup and dropoff she was back to her usual cold self with no eye contact. So I just stopped sending updates. My ex used to block me on all platforms when little one was with her just so I couldn’t ask how my daughter was. I still go now a full 7 days without even a sniff of communication. So I just don’t now unless she’s ill or something that needs sending over regarding logistics etc. the problem is with these partners who are letting us see our kids think they are bending over backwards and doing us a favour so when we express gratitude it makes them think we are rubbing it in! But yes it’s a sign they are not coping. I see it like this, let them have a taste of their own medicine. Don’t soften or show emotion and keep thinking to yourself “this person tried to cut me out of our kids life!”. Tread with caution and try and not show emotion at all unless necessary as they will try and get you back somehow.

I would just keep going with things for now, don’t pressure anything other than maybe very politely asking for how she sees things moving forward. Great news you have started over nights though

 

[Ash]

Great news! I would continue with the mediation with a view to asking if she will agree to put any agreed arrangements in a consent order. But presumably meanwhile you at least have a parenting agreement?

 

[MagicJ]

The mediator should issue at your request what's termed an Interim Statement that effectively sets out what was discussed and what was agreed.

This at least documents for you both what's going on, it can't be taken to court unless both parties wave the right to non-disclosure.

@Ash makes a good point, if Mediation worked, you should continue with it and create a parenting plan if you can

Enjoy and take photos for later!