Any advice is helpful

[Memphis]

Hi,

Just wanted a little advice, so here is a little background info. I've got 2 14 year old boys (double trouble) and when they were about 3 there mother moved out due to health issues and to work on herself, over the 12 months after that she slowly saw them less and less making up reasons why she couldn't make it (such as missing the bus, despite it being a half hour walk to our house and she was very able bodied - don't know about you but i'd move heaven and earth to see them). After this they didn't see her or ask about her or even particularly notice (I lived with my parents and sister so they had a really strong emotional group around them), she then got in contact when they were about 7 wanting to see them and i agreed that if she kept up contact with me for a couple months then I would let her see them (I didn't want her jumping in and out whenever she wanted), she did keep in contact and then saw them once, after that I didn't hear from her again until today when a friend of a friend of a friend passed on a message she was trying to get my number to speak to me, they didn't pass it on because they don't have it, apparently she was very 'cryptic' about why she needed it but didn't want to give her own number to pass on (despite the person she contacted used to be a friend of hers). I mean, she's not seen them for 7 years, is there anything she could do to take them off me? I'm now married, they kids love my wife to peices (more than me i think haha). but it does concern me.

I know I spoke to a solicitor when they were about 7 or 8 and I wanted to get full custody on paper just to put my mind at ease, I was told that my best course of action was to do nothing and hope she goes away as they'll just side with her as the mother, which is just ridiculous. One of my sons is on the autism spectrum and while super smart, struggles toout of the routine things etc, they are both going through GCSE's and I am really concerned that this could have massive implications for them.

Be good to know your thoughts and if i should just ignore the situation or battle it head on,

Thanks

 

[Jayy_]

I believe given their age their thoughts and feelings will be taken into consideration.

Personally, I wouldn’t let her around them again unless they wish to see her. Is that a conversation you’ve had with them?

Even if she was to go through court, which from the sounds of her I highly doubt she’d go through such efforts, it would be down for the children and what they wish. They cannot and will not be forced to see her if they don’t want to as they are teens.

I’d say hear it her out for whatever it may be but again unless the children are interested, I’d keep them away from it all and let them continue living life as they have been without her.

 

[Ash]

If she wants to contact you, then maybe see what she has to say. If she can't contact you, she might just apply to court.

 

[Peanut 21]

Why did she leave? Was it a mental breakdown?
I'd let her do the leg work in trying to get in touch.
If she did apply to court there's the huge question of where has she been all this time.
The court wouldn't just change custody just because she's the mother. Especially not at 14.

 

[Memphis]

@Jayy_ Thanks for the reply. Its not a chat I have had with the boys and whilst it sounds selfish its also not a conversation I want to have with them, we've got a great little family going on and I don't want that affecting.

@Ash I have called her 7 times so far today thoughout the day and she's not even bothered to answer so I am already feeling like nothing has changed. I'll give another few calls later on but if I don't hear anything then i'm just going ignore it.

@Peanut 21 She suffered from depression, we both attended lots of courses etc (i was there for support) for about a year and then started to drink during the day while looking after the kids on her own, on one occassion putting the kids in danger, one of my family memebers started to work from home to ensure they were being looked after properly for a further 6 months and again no improvments so I asked for to move back in with her parents. We did alot to ensure we gave her the best chance and I was working full shifts then spending 3 hours in these sessions so we really did try but at the end of the day, my boys come first and I had to make the right decision.

 

[Jayy_]

It’s not selfish. It’s very complex when it comes to parents with poor mental health but ultimately the emotional affects of being in and out of children’s lives isn’t great. In my opinion, you will be doing right by them from protecting them for it.

I think you should approach it how you have before. If she keeps up contact then maybe worth talking to the children about it just for transparency. However if she has missed calls already and if she doesn’t call back then just continue living as normal.

Also, I might be being sceptic but as you’ve called her 7 times already today I think you should leave it as that. She could easily twist things and say you are harassing her with calls. You’ve done your part bud.