Hi,split from my ex a year ago and took her to court ,won my case and now have a shared care agreement more like 45/55,but now she has started manipulating our kids and I can't do anything about it,police school and social won't get involved as they see it as a court issue,any advise
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Advise
- Thread starter J7958
- Start date
Hi. Police won't do anything. Social services should but they tend to just dismiss it as parents getting at each other and IME don't do anything unless the child is at immediate risk of harm (and they only think physically in this respect). So are the kids still coming or have they been manipulated to refuse to come? How old are your kids too? If they're still coming but you're dealing with hostile semi alienated kids there are some things to try.
3 boys 11,8,5
My oldest not seen since march and after my main case when my middle child stated issues about her mum and her family and that I have done nothing they have kept him away from me and now he doesn't want to see me ,won't even speak to me and last night it's now started on my youngest,nightmare
My oldest not seen since march and after my main case when my middle child stated issues about her mum and her family and that I have done nothing they have kept him away from me and now he doesn't want to see me ,won't even speak to me and last night it's now started on my youngest,nightmare
Most time when kids are coming we have a great time,but it takes me about a day to get them behaving correctly again/in to a routine,ex and her partner and her family have been a nightmare from start to finish,she never bothered about the kids before ,but now she is using them to hurt me ,she has also trued various tactics social,school and they have no issues with me ,she even phone the police on me when she didn't turn up to pick the kids up at the court arrange drop off point,she even got a court reporter involved which back fired for her,as it stands I might have won case ,but I not seeing my kids
Ok so what is her reason for the oldest two not coming? The usual is "can't make them, they refuse". I know the 24 hour thing. It takes that long for their heads to clear and start to behave normally. She will be using the age of the eldest to make this excuse - these exes who intend to alienate/keep the kids from you take advantage of their age saying - he wants to choose for himself, can't force him etc. Assume the 11 year old has just started secondary school? So an attempt to have a smear campaign from the start without you involved with the school?
Ok. So a couple of things. The child you are still seeing - youngest? You'll need a different kind of parenting for a while. Because if she is trying to alienate him he will be under a lot of pressure to only be loyal to her and to reject you. So the first thing is - when the kid is under that much pressure, they are almost pushing you to reject them, so they're not in the middle and under pressure. So that first 24 hours. Calm. Don't react to anything he says. Normal discipline goes out the window - if you tell them off for bad behaviour then they will believe what she's told them - that you're bad and nasty. Sounds bonkers I know but give it that 24 hours for it to wear off. Don't get into dialogue if he's hostile, passing on messages or asking strange questions. Just smile and change the subject. Have a look at the article on PA on the home page.
There's a book that got me through this stage, linked on the book recommendations but I'll link it below. It's like a handbook and you'll recognise all the behaviours and it helps with parenting strategies to lessen the effects of what your ex is doing.
For the other two, you'll need to return to court to enforce the order. Because it is still a breach if she isn't complying with it. If the kids are refusing to come then it's a failure of parenting on her part. However this is also a tactic on her part most likely. Force you to return to court and she'll then submit a cross application to vary saying - kids want to choose for themselves and try and get the order watered down.
So forewarned is forearmed. And your application wording needs to be carefully thought out to pre-empt this. How long is it since the shared care order was made.
Ok. So a couple of things. The child you are still seeing - youngest? You'll need a different kind of parenting for a while. Because if she is trying to alienate him he will be under a lot of pressure to only be loyal to her and to reject you. So the first thing is - when the kid is under that much pressure, they are almost pushing you to reject them, so they're not in the middle and under pressure. So that first 24 hours. Calm. Don't react to anything he says. Normal discipline goes out the window - if you tell them off for bad behaviour then they will believe what she's told them - that you're bad and nasty. Sounds bonkers I know but give it that 24 hours for it to wear off. Don't get into dialogue if he's hostile, passing on messages or asking strange questions. Just smile and change the subject. Have a look at the article on PA on the home page.
There's a book that got me through this stage, linked on the book recommendations but I'll link it below. It's like a handbook and you'll recognise all the behaviours and it helps with parenting strategies to lessen the effects of what your ex is doing.
For the other two, you'll need to return to court to enforce the order. Because it is still a breach if she isn't complying with it. If the kids are refusing to come then it's a failure of parenting on her part. However this is also a tactic on her part most likely. Force you to return to court and she'll then submit a cross application to vary saying - kids want to choose for themselves and try and get the order watered down.
So forewarned is forearmed. And your application wording needs to be carefully thought out to pre-empt this. How long is it since the shared care order was made.
The book link. I literally carried this round in my pocket and kept dipping into it when my son was being severely alienated (but still coming). It really helped. Main thing is to understand the kid is suffering and try and show them normality at your place. At his Mum's he'll here rubbish about you. So at yours it needs to be a place of escape from that, with normal life and no rubbishing the other parent. In fact best to not even mention her.
Here
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Basically your ex is trying to get out of the shared care order. When my ex was alienating I returned to court for a shared care order. Which you already have. The alienation stopped then - because the court made an order. That lasted about 18 months and then when my son was 11 she started again (the transition to secondary school). The important thing is keep them coming.
So from now on keep copies of everything - all texts, emails etc. They can all be used as evidence for or against you. So keep yours polite and formal - don't get into arguments with her. This can really help when the court sees her hostile nasty messages and your polite reasonable ones.
If you've tried police and social services she will be even more angry and will probably use that to turn them against you as well. Saying Dad called the Police on me, he's trying to control you blah blah.
If you haven't already, then I think the first thing is to write her a BIFF email (brief, informative, friendly formal - as if writing to a business colleague). Which can be used as evidence for an application if it comes to it. Effectively a letter before action to give her chance to comply.
Something like
"Dear X
I am writing to ask that you fulfil your obligations under the Child Arrangements order dated xyz, which is made in the childrens best interests. Please can you confirm that the children will be made available for collection/dropped off at x time on x day. If there are any issues you wish to discuss we can discuss these at mediation. But in the meantime it is important to the childrens wellbeing that their relationships and time with both parents continues.
Regards, you."
Now she probably won't want mediation anyway or won't go, so don't worry about that. The important thing is the court sees that you tried to resolve the matter.
So from now on keep copies of everything - all texts, emails etc. They can all be used as evidence for or against you. So keep yours polite and formal - don't get into arguments with her. This can really help when the court sees her hostile nasty messages and your polite reasonable ones.
If you've tried police and social services she will be even more angry and will probably use that to turn them against you as well. Saying Dad called the Police on me, he's trying to control you blah blah.
If you haven't already, then I think the first thing is to write her a BIFF email (brief, informative, friendly formal - as if writing to a business colleague). Which can be used as evidence for an application if it comes to it. Effectively a letter before action to give her chance to comply.
Something like
"Dear X
I am writing to ask that you fulfil your obligations under the Child Arrangements order dated xyz, which is made in the childrens best interests. Please can you confirm that the children will be made available for collection/dropped off at x time on x day. If there are any issues you wish to discuss we can discuss these at mediation. But in the meantime it is important to the childrens wellbeing that their relationships and time with both parents continues.
Regards, you."
Now she probably won't want mediation anyway or won't go, so don't worry about that. The important thing is the court sees that you tried to resolve the matter.
Wise words from Ash. I can't stress the bit about keeping the environment normal when the kids are living with you. I also recommend trying to organise a routine activity that they enjoy, which they can associate with your home/the time they have with you.
What is the reason given by your eldest for not wanting to see or speak to you? It sounds like he has been incited into hostility by being told untrue negative things. Is it your son who has refused or your ex who is saying he has refused. What your ex should do is comply with the court order, so you can actually discuss matters with your son yourself. So you might want to add that to the suggested email above. Eg
"If, as you say, our son X has some issues then the best thing would be for him to see me and discuss these with me. It is in his interests to try and resolve any issues and I am also concerned that this is not normal behaviour for an 11 year old who has been happy with both parents and families and I have some concerns."
Be careful how you word things as well because an ex like that is likely to show your son your emails (to try and paint you as aggressive or mean to her or something).
"If, as you say, our son X has some issues then the best thing would be for him to see me and discuss these with me. It is in his interests to try and resolve any issues and I am also concerned that this is not normal behaviour for an 11 year old who has been happy with both parents and families and I have some concerns."
Be careful how you word things as well because an ex like that is likely to show your son your emails (to try and paint you as aggressive or mean to her or something).