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mad situation
- Thread starter K00L
- Start date
Hello all! An update from me. AND NEED FOR ADVICE ON CURRENT SITUATION. STBX moved out back in November, after she admitting being unfaithful and wanting a divorce and behaving like a mental, creating a very toxic environment. We managed to agree where the children stay: mainly with me on school days (I homeschool them) and with her on weekends, and nights are half/half (3 nights with me, 3 night with her then alternating Sunday nights) which kind of works. I try to keep communication to a minimum. She twisted things and told the kids I kicked her out of the house. Then She started telling them I am tracking her and trying to spy on her and hack her computer remotely, which is BS. She then called the police and said she is being tracked, the police came round looking for my stbx, in my house, as they claimed they need to talk to her, I explained she does not live here any more so they left and never returned. My daughter got very upset when she heard the police were around, the kids managed to convince their mother that I am not hacking her computer. Kids are now 13 and 16 years old. The STBX has not filed for divorce, so I am now looking to do it myself. She now decided she wants the children to sleep at her house every night, except for occasional weekend nights where they can stay with me (I am often working away on weekends so cannot have them), I did not agree, so she manipulated the children emotionally to agree and claimed it is their decision and we must respect it and not talk to them about it; Of course I did talk to the kids about all four of us having to make decisions together that affect all of us, they realized my approach was more logic and made more sense, I offered the STBX some more hours with the kids on a weekday if she wants things to be more equal, but she now changed tactics, and says she does not feel the kids are safe under my care, and that it must be that I abuse them at night! and that if I do not surcome to her demands for the kids to sleep at hers mostly, she will report her accusations, and tell the kids I am dangerous!!!! She is suffering from some serious delusions and parnoias (or perhaps she is intentinoally pretending), which ever it is I am super worried and stressed. I have no criminal record, and the kids will say it is not true, but I am worried if she reports her lies, I will loose the kids, I will loose my work, I will loose my home, I may loose my life completley........ What do I do??????? She demands my response to agree to her demands! Do I give in, let her have her way, until next time she demands more things from me with threats, or do I stand up to her, risking she will report her lies to the authroties and I loose everything now and the kids loose their dad, their home, their education, their happiness due to this woman developing mental health condition? What to do?!?!? HELP!
Collect all the evidence you can my friend.
You are USA or UK based?
You are USA or UK based?
Agree with above, gather as much evidence as possible. Do not speak to her on the phone but rather let her message or email.
I believe the children are old enough to make their own decision so as long as you give them reassurance and they feel safe with you, highly unlikely they will be asked to change residency. They are old enough to advocate for themselves and of course they would know you haven’t abused them. I’d be less worried anything she reports.
Do you know if she’s sought help before? if she has history of mental health this via NHS that would be beneficial too.
If the situation is difficult for the kids I’d consider checking if they require any sort outlet such as therapy? If mother is emotionally abusive this could be grounds to limit contact if they wish
I believe the children are old enough to make their own decision so as long as you give them reassurance and they feel safe with you, highly unlikely they will be asked to change residency. They are old enough to advocate for themselves and of course they would know you haven’t abused them. I’d be less worried anything she reports.
Do you know if she’s sought help before? if she has history of mental health this via NHS that would be beneficial too.
If the situation is difficult for the kids I’d consider checking if they require any sort outlet such as therapy? If mother is emotionally abusive this could be grounds to limit contact if they wish
We hardly talk on the phone these days. Mainly emails/messages. So yes I have her emails with everything above...
I wouldn’t worry too much. She also might just be talking for the sake of it as oppose to actually applying for anything in court.
Worst case the kids will be asked be social services and once they say it’s not true it would be left as that. You can show them evidence of her spiralling behaviour if anything
I am in the UK. Yes, I have the emails, but she is not saying there that she is going to lie or make up things.... , she is saying she believes these accusations to be true.... I am worried that by the time I fight her off, the damage will be done. We live in a world where you are guilty before proved otherwise, and by the time anything is proved, your reputation and your life is over...
She has been hospitalized last November with Psychosis, that scared the kids a lot. But she is not abusive to them, she feeds them well and take cares of them, so sometimes it does feel like she has a healthy motherly instinct, but other times she tries to emotionally manipulate them, and shares her paranoias and wows with them. The kids love both of us and feel ripped apart... She tried a few therapists and left them shortly after. She convinced the NHS that she just has sleeping issues, and that she is mentally fine. But I know she is not, she once woke me up at 3am to tell me she realized she his symptoms of Schizophrenia, but the following day she denied everything, and said she was tired and talking nonsense. I actually think she had a moment of clarity about her condition, but then she went into denial about it. If she goes to the police and claims I abuse our children, they will take them away and investigate, and I wont see them for - who knows hoe long.... :-(
That's golden. First hint of trouble, you have that as a go too. I would even venture you could get ahead of the game and go to the police with the messages. Sounds like coercive controlling behaviour. Just ask them for advice......... its on record then
This isn’t the true. The police won’t just take your kids especially as they can advocate for themselves. The kids can and will be heard by any local authority or court. I wouldn’t worry too much about it bud. Keep being a safe space for the kids. She has her own issues to sort out by the sounds of it.
Id suggest keep speaking to the kids about it to ensure transparency. If they are feeling overwhelmed or there is a big concern then I would raise this with social services/police so that there is a report of your concerns if anything arises in the future
You need to keep one step ahead of her game.
@Oneofmany makes a good point about logging a report with the police. Do that.
You could also speak to the girls school requesting some support for them. Explain the situation by saying since you and their mum has split they could do with an outlet to offload their emotions.
Carry on keeping communication by text/email.
Do you have a camera doorbell or home security? Just in case the ex turns up at the house to cover your back if she makes allegations.
Your poor children have to live with the fact their mother has mental health issues. Keep being the sane and stable parent they can rely on. They're too old for social services or the courts to have any say over what they do. So don't worry about that.
@Oneofmany makes a good point about logging a report with the police. Do that.
You could also speak to the girls school requesting some support for them. Explain the situation by saying since you and their mum has split they could do with an outlet to offload their emotions.
Carry on keeping communication by text/email.
Do you have a camera doorbell or home security? Just in case the ex turns up at the house to cover your back if she makes allegations.
Your poor children have to live with the fact their mother has mental health issues. Keep being the sane and stable parent they can rely on. They're too old for social services or the courts to have any say over what they do. So don't worry about that.
We have one boy and one girl. They have always been homeschooled out of choice (the kids as well as our choice as paretns) most of the years I did the homeschooling myself, as I trained as a teacher many years ago and have the skills to do so, for the past few years my work in mainly on weekends and holidays, so I do the homeschooling. So there is no school to talk to. We tried to send the children to therapy for a few sessions but they really didn't like it and didn't want to continue. The kids do not understand their mother has mental health issues, they believe she is just a bit odd sometimes, as its easier for them to cope with it that way. I don't want to challenge that too much by saying negative things to them about her, as that's not helpful either. I am very worried about going to the police, as I now she will react really badly to that and counter-attack. If she goes public with her lies, this may also affect my work, my income, my reputation and entire life situation, even though the kids will deny her lies, I may still end up being screwed up... so need to think very carefully what to do next...
Apologies, I did read you homeschool but mentioned contacting school out of habit.
It is very difficult and everyone here would always advise not badmouthing the mother so it's great you're not doing that.
I understand the kids not wanting to talk about it. We're all loyal to our parents and it's difficult to feel we may be saying negative things about them.
Hopefully your ex is just bluffing and she won't follow through with spreading lies about you. I think she's panicking as the kids are getting older and can start having more autonomy.
Is your ex still with the man she left you for? Maybe she's having issues there so it's causing her to act out.
It is very difficult and everyone here would always advise not badmouthing the mother so it's great you're not doing that.
I understand the kids not wanting to talk about it. We're all loyal to our parents and it's difficult to feel we may be saying negative things about them.
Hopefully your ex is just bluffing and she won't follow through with spreading lies about you. I think she's panicking as the kids are getting older and can start having more autonomy.
Is your ex still with the man she left you for? Maybe she's having issues there so it's causing her to act out.
I have no idea if she is still seeing her 60 year old rich lover or not.... the kids not seen him around.
She seems to just want to have the kids more under her dominion and control. I wonder if I should talk to the kids about their mother's 'New paranoia' so they can talk her out of it as they did before when she was convinced I am hacking her computers... Or should I spare them the drama, and hope she wont reveal to them her fear about this ridiculous notion
If just feels weird that I have to go to the police to report I didn't commit a crime.... just in case the stbx comes to them later to report her lies/fears ...... since when people have to go the the police to report that they are innocent in advance...
It’s more so going to them with the messages she’s sending that she will be reporting you for x y z and your concerned about them. It will be logged as there is also evidence so if she does go to them there will be report of her stating she was going to do it. It’s not unheard of and they would be understanding of it especially as kids are also involved.
It’s up to you bud but it would be wise to get ahead of her.