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Weeknight contact - 18 month old son

I think, as this is for mediation rather than a court application, I'd have something like this on paper - but in a parenting plan format so it looks more "holistic". Have a look at the parenting plan template on the home page. It's a good one and can include all kinds of things, not just the times. It's a format to work with at mediation.

Time with Dad

up to and until weekend of 23rd/24th of July 2022, time to continue as now:
Sunday 9am - 5pm (19th of June)
Saturday 9am - Sunday 9am - (25th /26th of June)
Alternating



________________________________________________
from weekend of 23rd/24th of July to Saturday the 21st /22nd of January (Sons 2nd birthday on the 21st)

Saturday 9am - Sunday 9am (23rd /24th of June)
Sunday 9am - Monday 8pm- Drop off at nursery (31st/1st of August )

________________________________________________

from weekend of 27th /29th of January 2023- Son will be 2 years old

Commencing 27th January - every other week-nd

Friday 5pm - Monday 8am drop off at nursery plus a midweek night on Thursday night following 5pm to 8am Friday and a midweek night the following Monday 5pm to 8am drop off at nursery.

________________________________________________

Holidays:

From son's 2nd birthday 2 x 1 week periods of holiday each year plus shared time at Christmas each year and son's birthday to be shared each year.



The parenting plan download is on this link. You can edit it to add or remove headings or change the wording to suit what you want the headings to say - it starts off with the proposed times to spend with each parent, and includes things like who pays for what, agreements over new partners, all kinds of things. There may be some things for discussion in there that would reassure her to agree to the times. But it's up to you - if you'd rather just have a piece of paper with proposed times on to go to mediation, that's ok too.

Whatever it is it needs to be a document that can be passed back and forth and things written on it.

 
This seems like a measured and reasonable proposal to me.

I'd be looking at ways of making clear provision for multiple nights with you consecutively, maybe through the holiday weeks. If there is resistence it can take years of battle to move this up. If are thinking of going abroad on holiday, there will need to be an arrangement on passport handover, notice...

As a general point, orders that operate by agreement for holiday periods are risky business. They put "resident" parent in charge with little incentive to be reasonable.

In this case, it might be a good idea to agree some detail on how period from 27/12-01/01 is to be shared. It is 5 nights so cannot be shared evenly. If it is just "by agreement" you'll be over a barrel. "Schedule by agreement, minimum of 2 nights with each" or similar, so that there is a definite portion of that period with you, would be good.
Thanks for your reply , I definitely think a few consecutive nights would be a good idea. I wasn't sure if pick up Friday at 5 and take to nursery Monday morning (3 nights) would be abit much at 2 years old? But I could try , maybe that way I will stand a better chance of getting the Friday and Saturday once she's tried to negotiate.

I get your point about the time between the 27th and return to work 2nd of Jan. As a weekend falls within this time that would be shared anyway as per current contact but as the days fall differently it will be hard to nail down an agreement so unsure what to propose or how tk propose it .

A couple of other things that have arisen in the last few days , I have my son on a Saturday that I'm going out in thd evening so my mum will have my son overnight however my ex says I can't have him that weekend as she doesn't want him staying with my mum and she doesn't know the routine with him etc. I don't think that is fair and surely while he is my responsibility I am untitled to make a judgement that he will be fine with my mum.


My ex has also told me today that she is taking my son away for another weekend so again I'll go two weeks without seeing him
 
I think this is where co parenting is tricky with a young child and why mediation and parenting plans try to get both to reach agreements on various matters - like nights out, babysitters etc.

Personally I would just let this one go and say ok (ie won't leave him with someone) due to his age. I think my son was about 3 before I actually left him at home with my partner (we'd take it in turns to babysit so the other one could go to a party or something) or had a regular night out till about 9 or 10 (not drinking either!). And my son was always affected. He wouldn't go to sleep till I got back.

Now I did once leave him till very late at night, with a trusted family member when he was about 18 months - he was at home, in his own bed and they babysat. My son was very unhappy (again wouldn't sleep and screamed all night and relative said - not doing it again you need to be here).

So while I can see both sides of that one! I had to take a decision - I just stopped having a social life when my son was with me (and actually stopped drinking entirely - I only ever had one or two a week socially but just decided not to).

So the way to get your ex more likely to agree to time is - keep her happy - be child focused. Don't worry, things will change when your child is a bit older but until they can talk I wouldn't leave my child. Now my ex regularly left him with a babysitter! So one rule for one and one for the other. But you want her to trust you. So bite your tongue - I had to give way on loads of stuff in the early days, which was incredibly annoying and felt like being bossed about, but ended up with loads of time with my son. Once he got older he could speak for himself - and did! Then you have a one to one conversation with your child. "I don't want you to go out!" That kind of thing.
 
I think the other thing there is - you need to build up a strong bond with your child. One thing you could discuss at mediation is - trying to get agreement that occasionally a night could be "swapped" if there was some special event on for one of you.
 
Thanks for the document link Ash. I get your point about putting everything in at once holidays etc and knowing her she will see it all as demands so its risky and I'm starting to worry that she takes away my current nights with him and reduces time . As I've logged all times I've been having him since last August she would surely need good reason otherwise it would look like spite in the eyes of a court?

You mentioned when my son is 2 I can get a full schedule , would it be more tricky to get that if I don't increase my times with him now ? Also what are my chances of getting say everyother weekend Friday- Sunday and a weeknight , by this I mean is this standard in most courts ?
 
That standard in court is every other week-end and one midweek night, and half the school holidays, but that might only be 4 nights a fortnight (ie the week-end end on Sunday night). Usually people want 50/50. It does no harm to apply for 50/50 as room to negotiate down from there. Would you want 50/50? That would basically be: Every other weekend including the Sunday night (3 nights) plus 2 midweek nights each week.

So for example it could be 2-2-5-5. If your two midweek nights were Wed and Thurs each week, then one week it would be Wed Thurs night (2), and the following week it would be Wed, Thurs, Fri, Sat, Sun nights (5). Your ex would have the same. 2 nights one week and 5 the next. The two midweek nights tacked onto the week-end basically. It's a good schedule.

So 50/50 is 7-14 nights a fortnight.
Standard is 4-14 or possibly 5/14

The other difference is, with a court order, who does the child live with? (Ie residence) and who do they "spend time with" (what used to be called "contact". You can have "lives with both parents" (what used to be joint/shared residence) but for that it usually needs to be at least 5/14 and you have to ask for it to be lives with both in the application. It makes things more equal on many fronts. Although technically the only difference is you don't need her consent to take child abroad on holiday.

Yes for now accept whatever you are offered, gently try and negotiate for a bit more at mediation. Age 2 isn't necessarily a firm thing but generally thought that a full order won't be until after age 2. Some Dads only literally get 2 or 3 hours a week until age 2.
 
Sorry to butt in but, I’m seeing there is a lot of talk of “best to wait until the child is 2 years old before asking for a full routine” (I may have mis-interpreted this, apologies if I have) I think it should be borne in mind that the post-covid backlog in the family court system means that cases can take over a year between submission of application and a final hearing. So perhaps best not to wait until your child turns 2 before making an application, because a schedule can only be put in place by the courts in the final hearing (unless the mother consents to otherwise). Therefore the child may be 3 years old before an agreeable schedule (i.e. more than one Saturday night a week) is ordered.
 
Yes very good point. Thank you. I did mention that elsewhere :) It can take 4 months to get to a first hearing. How long cases take at the moment seems to be partly dependent on region. But yes it could be a year before finalised. And an order can be requested as a particular schedule from age 2.
 
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