Very vulnerable and feel afraid. False allegations against me.

[Peanut 21]

Can you make some plans today?
Even if it's a walk around the block.
I read somewhere the other day that the brain works at its best when walking.
Get some blood pumping and fresh air.
It won't solve this problem but it might help organise thoughts in your mind.

 

[Pj66]

Thankyou to you all for your replies. You are all helping. I may not directly say it but each of your replies mean a lot.

I feel like I’m drowning.
I’ve lost my home, my kids, soon will no longer have a place to live.

I have so much on top of me….the criminal charges against me for stalking and coercive behaviour are currently with the CPS and bail has been extended. I now need to answer that in February.

The non mol and non occupation order is now waiting for her evidence which she didn’t submit and asked the court to give her an extension. So then I will have to reply to that.
Oddly enough I’ve just been handed a copy of the non molestation papers to my door this moment even though it was back in November.

And then on top of that there is now this application for a child arrangement order.

I’m totally in a mess.
Don’t know how to even begin.

Non mol evidence - yeah because she doesn't have any. Delay tactic

She said she's filing c100 - nope, delay tactic

If you ask to mediate, she will delay tactic. Delay delay delay, status quo, status quo, alienate alienate.

She is going to set the status quo. You need to file your c100 right now, honestly if you don't you are going to f*** yourself. Take control and file!

 

[MagicJ]

Sorry to message again.
I’m feeling terrible this weekend. I can’t just sit around and see time fly by without seeing my kids.
Stbx is taking very long time and dragging everything out whilst I have zero contact with my children.

Surely she can’t do this when I was seeing them regularly. I need to see them.
It’s killing me.

Never be sorry.

We hear your pain , this is a difficult journey and there is no easy solution to make it end.

Your children will be there whether they see you tomorrow or in 12m time, they are young and they are not going away.

You need to shift your focus on where you want this situation to be in 12m time and make the move, one step at a time, day by day to get there.

Like the famous explorer Sir Ranulph Fiennes, you must have a singular focus on the future.

In the meantime build a new temporary life for yourself that allows you to turn up every day a little stronger and better focussed, not distracted by her games.

@Peanut 21 advice is good, when it becomes overwhelming, follow it and also post on here.

We are here for you @MountainGoat

 

[Kyle]

Sorry to message again.
I’m feeling terrible this weekend. I can’t just sit around and see time fly by without seeing my kids.
Stbx is taking very long time and dragging everything out whilst I have zero contact with my children.

Surely she can’t do this when I was seeing them regularly. I need to see them.
It’s killing me.

Don't ever apologise for coming here to ask questions and seek advice and support. Ash will surely remind you this is exactly what the forum was set up for.

We have all been where you are. And there is always hope. We will be our childrens dads until our dying breath. Nobody, not even a malevolent mother, can change that. It hurts to be obstructed from them, but you need to try and sit tight and wait for the hearing.

Did you get a C100 application for a Child Arrangements Order of your own in? << Hit the link in blue.

I think it would help to get a little bit more proactive with managing the situation and yourself a bit more too so you can form some clarity and structure in your mind instead of letting the stress and hurt pull you from side-to-side.

On the flip-side of that though, its vital to find something to give you a break from thinking about it and focus the mind elsewhere while the legal wheel turns in the bakcground. Do you have any hobbies or interests? This has helped me lots. Don't sit around. The time won't fly by. Find something to help keep the time fluid.

Keep a journal of whats happening. Key points and conversations so you have a record and nothing can be obscured in future disputes. But do not obsess over it. Just as a means of keeping track and helping you channel your emotions.

Any more information received from her solicitor? Are you sure a C100 has been submitted by her yet?

 

[Ash]

I can help you complete the C100 application. To get the ball rolling. One of the worst things is feeling powerless. You would be starting to take control if you start with that application - and it gives you a voice.

I'm concerned you feel overwhelmed by the criminal case and possible costs? Did you manage to get any advice from a criminal lawyer or find out if you can get a free criminal lawyer?

 

[Ash]

Mountain Goat - are you struggling to get through the day or make decisions or find motivation? Are you on any antidepressants? It's possible you may need to get them prescribed by a GP to help you through this patch.

 

[Peanut 21]

Mountain Goat - are you struggling to get through the day or make decisions or find motivation? Are you on any antidepressants? It's possible you may need to get them prescribed by a GP to help you through this patch.

No shame in this. Break ups and life turned upside down is a type of bereavement.

 

[MountainGoat]

You are right, I am finding it overwhelming. Never wanted this but I've always had high anxiety as in the past I have had various situations that have caused me to worry a lot.
I have finally booked a doctors appointment this week.

I have the police stalking/coercive behaviour bail worrying me, I have to go to answer bail at the custody suite at the police stationnext month.
Then there is this non mol/non occupation order that again is meaning I'm going to have to go to court to contest that, and now the latest thing is her child arrangement order and being cut off from the kids after spending an amazing week with them over Christmas.

She can't just take them away like that, be telling them who knows what about me, and I'm expected to just sit around and watch them be poisoned by her lies!

It is truly heart breaking and I feel like I'm drowning.
I started the C100 but stopped when she gave hers in.

 

[Ash]

Has she definitely submitted one? You could phone the court and ask them. Doing something proactive like that can help.

 

[Kyle]

No she can't just take them away like that. And I'm sure, at the end of this difficult journey, you will walk away with a Child Arrangements Order and you will get your time with your children.

Just hang in there.

Just take one step at a time. Deal with one obstacle at a time.

Do you have any friends or family that are/can support you? Support is key.

As Peanut said before, this is a sort of bereavement, grief, that we feel when we are cut off from our children. It shouldn't be ignored or brushed under the carpet from a Mind Health perspective. Google councelling/therapy services in your area. Find the best one for you. Get some coping technques and an outlet to verbally vent. Contact your GP, if you can get an appointment, and tell them what you're dealing with at the moment. I left all this way too late but now visit a Focus Councelling Group every fortnight.

Are you planning to complete and submit your own C100 or are you just going to wait to recieve the court letter as the Respondent from her C100 application?

We can help you write it if you need context.

 

[Peanut 21]

I started the C100 but stopped when she gave hers in.

You can still submit one. The court won't punish you for it. They'll just consolidate yours in with the exs if she’s definitely put one in. Do it!

 

[Peanut 21]

You're in stage one of this whole sh*t show Mountaingoat.
They get you almost paralysed with fear and you're too scared to make a move.
You can try to channel some of your anger and outrage positively into spurring you into action.
Fill in the c100 and get it sent in.
Trust all of us who keep urging you to do this.

 

[MagicJ]

Agreed.

The worst case scenario is a merge of the applications and that will allow you to have put in front of the courts how reasonable you are.

The best case scenario she hasn't actually filed and you'll be one step ahead!

 

[MountainGoat]

I feel terrible writing this as I then think to myself what the hell am I doing, but I ended up ringing the Samiratans yesterday as I felt like I had nothing left to live for anymore. I've thought about what I could do to leave this world and would have never thought like this before.
I could not go through with it but I have been close. My kids then pop into my head and I realise I would never do it and I have to continue for them.

I'm getting ill with pains in my chest and seeing my doctor on Wednesday. I cant continue. I really need someone to realise that with all this that my wife is doing she is alienating me and many dads around the world. They cant do that!

 

[MagicJ]

I feel terrible writing this as I then think to myself what the hell am I doing, but I ended up ringing the Samiratans yesterday as I felt like I had nothing left to live for anymore. I've thought about what I could do to leave this world and would have never thought like this before.

Our feelings can be overwhelming and if we feel there is no one turn to, it does feel like we're trapped, it's not terrible its human, you have emotions and feelings, including an immense love for your children.

Im really glad you rang the Samaritans, well done, you've taken the right step.

Keep doing that, keep seeking that support, bring in as much as support as you can.

Mental Health talking therapies and medical treatment is how you move forward.

I could not go through with it but I have been close. My kids then pop into my head and I realise I would never do it and I have to continue for them.

Exactly this, this is why, always remember your children, they don't know what is happening, they will need you to find the support you need to see this through, like you've been there for them all their lives.

I'm getting ill with pains in my chest and seeing my doctor on Wednesday.

This is the anxiety and you've taken the right step, you've reached out and that will help, well done for taking that step.

I cant continue. I really need someone to realise that with all this

We realise, we are here, we hear your pain, we are looking out for you, we need you to keep sharing it, so that we can help you through it.

Keep sharing, keep telling us, use your voice, it is your experience, what you share tells the world and other Dad's in your position.

You are one of us, we are your family & you are not alone, we will help you through this, one foot in front of the other, one step at a time

 

[Richie1989]

I feel terrible writing this as I then think to myself what the hell am I doing, but I ended up ringing the Samiratans yesterday as I felt like I had nothing left to live for anymore. I've thought about what I could do to leave this world and would have never thought like this before.
I could not go through with it but I have been close. My kids then pop into my head and I realise I would never do it and I have to continue for them.

I'm getting ill with pains in my chest and seeing my doctor on Wednesday. I cant continue. I really need someone to realise that with all this that my wife is doing she is alienating me and many dads around the world. They cant do that!

I really feel your pain I really do. I hope you are ok and always remember things don’t last forever.

I urge you to submit it that C100 to help you mentally moving forward. Please please please submit it and get the ball rolling.

Don’t do anything silly it won’t help anybody especially your kids. Don’t suffer in silence! Keep using tuis platform to express your thoughts and feelings but please get that’s C100 in because this won’t go away until you do

 

[Kyle]

I feel terrible writing this as I then think to myself what the hell am I doing, but I ended up ringing the Samiratans yesterday as I felt like I had nothing left to live for anymore. I've thought about what I could do to leave this world and would have never thought like this before.
I could not go through with it but I have been close. My kids then pop into my head and I realise I would never do it and I have to continue for them.

I'm getting ill with pains in my chest and seeing my doctor on Wednesday. I cant continue. I really need someone to realise that with all this that my wife is doing she is alienating me and many dads around the world. They cant do that!

You have everything to live for. You have a beautiful future that you cannont see. This period in your life won't last forever.

Believe me when I say I have been at the lowest I have ever been in life once upon-a-time and asked myself the same questions. It was a long time ago, in the early 2000's, before my son was born. Not child arrangements related. I was on the very edge of being homeless. Living in a decrepit bedsit, surrounded by junkies in a terribly deprived and rough area. Working in a meat factory earning £150 per week. 2 hours away from my family. The most unhappy I have ever been. For three years, life was terrible and I questioned what the point of exisitng was.

But I reminded myself of all the things I still wanted to achieve. Have a son for example. Learn new skills. Be my own boss one day. Go travelling. See the world and live happily.

The only person that was going to make that happen was me. Giving up involves losing your future. Life is short enough without throwing in the towel and missing out on what you do not know could be just around the corner. I realised I didn't want to give up and fought as hard as I could to change the situation, and I did. I took a course, got new qualifications, got a better job, and moved into a flat in a nicer area, closer to my family. I haven't stopped thay upwards trajectory since and now I am my own little Limited Company.

Winston Churchill's famous WW2 quote needs to become a tattoo at some point. "When you're going through hell, keep going!"

Remember, this is short-term pain for long-term gain. Things will sort themselves out. The shock and grief you are feeling now is exactly what I was feeling back in March 2022. I think it's the same for all the dads on here who have been through the same hell. And we are all at varying stages of the struggle still.

But if you give up, she has won. Your kids need their dad.

I'm sure you couldn't really put your children through the lifelong pain of knowing that their dad gave up on himself.

Chest pains during extreme emotional periods are a sign of anxiety. Seeing your GP is an exellent move. This is not just any difficult period in a mans life. Being obstructed from your babies is a pain the size of Mount Everest. Its a pain thats not just felt by mothers. Fathers have the same bonds and attachments to their children.

Seek as much proffessional support as you need. I know I am.

The best outlet for this struggle is a battle plan. Come here whenever you feel low and we will help you with the information and tools to fight back.

 

[Pj66]

I feel terrible writing this as I then think to myself what the hell am I doing, but I ended up ringing the Samiratans yesterday as I felt like I had nothing left to live for anymore. I've thought about what I could do to leave this world and would have never thought like this before.
I could not go through with it but I have been close. My kids then pop into my head and I realise I would never do it and I have to continue for them.

I'm getting ill with pains in my chest and seeing my doctor on Wednesday. I cant continue. I really need someone to realise that with all this that my wife is doing she is alienating me and many dads around the world. They cant do that!

You have a lot of compassionate people here supporting you.

The reality is, she can never take your kids away. Do you really think a judge is going to say " i rule deadbeat father never going to see his kids again" that will never ever happen.

You've thought some dark thoughts and gone to dark places, you have chosen and decided no because of your kids, so those thoughts should not cross your mind again because it's not an option.

Anxiety is real and it is because of uncertainty and lack of purpose and moving forward. I suffered with crippling anxiety for years, anxiety is about control issues, there is nothing you can control other than yourself, especially not her.

Really stop thinking about her and what she's doing, crazy is going to be crazy, you can't control crazy.

You will see your kids half the time if you submit that c100 and let a barrister do all the talking with help from a solicitor if you want that.

This woman is not worth ending things over, she means nothing to you now. Remove all emotion to what she's doing, crazy always reveals the crazy if you stay true and you have a congruent story, she does not, there are so many holes in her story it's insane, let her spin her little narrative, it's all delusional.

Try and be aware of your thoughts, it's basically cbt, are you always thinking the worst? Well try and think of the best scenario, each time you catch yourself thinking like that you flip it to the best scenario, you play the story out to the end in your head all the way with each step to the best scenario.

I also find a phrase to catch my thoughts helpful, "is this a helpful thought?" Most of the time you will realise it isn't.

Chin up man youl be ok and have a new exciting life ahead of you.

 

[Ash]

I’m still suspicious they may not have submitted a C100 and just said that to delay you submitting one. It doesn’t matter if you submit one as well - they will just tie to the two applications together. I think if you sit and wait for hers to be issued it will be waiting and wondering and cause more anxiety and will also knock you when you read her application as it won’t be nice again.

Do yourself a favour and phone the court and see if they have received a C100 from your ex. If they haven’t - get yours in. If they have - you have an opportunity to respond when you get court papers and can still also submit your own application. Don’t sit there on the defensive. Be confident that you’re a good Dad and that will shine through. Focus on your kids - not the hurt your ex is causing you. Your kids need you to stay strong.

 

[winger]

Definitely phone the court and see if she's submitted the C100. If not submit yours, and you'll be on your way. Without that the process isn't moving forward. A C100 is how you'll see your children regularly, and no one can stop that. Make it a goal for today to ring the court, find out what's happening. Let us know