Urgent Help needed please!

[Adrian Sykes]

Hello, really appreciate this forum. I am a Dad of two girls aged 14 and 11. I live with my partner of 5 years around the corner from my divorced wife. We have a child maintenance order in place whereby I pay money to my ex for the 6 nights per fortnight they are with me. We do not have a child custody arrangement, it is an agreement made between myself and my ex wife that we have a 60/40 split of custody. Since moving to our new house 8 months ago there has been a constant shifting of the goalposts. My ex will often arrange events for the children whilst they are staying with me and if I contest the arrangement she will weaponise the children against me saying that I am not conforming to the 'flexible and friendly' arrangement that we have hitherto abided by since we split 6 years ago. We moved so close to her this year because it afforded the children ease between moving between the two houses, school and friends. We did not move so close so that my ex could pick and choose the days she has the children even when they are with me. She has control of the google calendar and often makes adjustments of it to suit her needs which means I often don't see the children for the allocated 6 consecutive nights per fortnight. The system is not working now and the children have been led to believe that they can come and go as they or their Mum wishes leaving me and their stepmom in an unsustainable position where we often don't know if they are going to be with us or not. I have tried to encourage her to go into mediation with me again to discuss this current situation but she is refusing to respond to my emails. I have also tried to use a co parenting app 'Talking parents' which would give us both accountability and control over the schedule but she is refusing to cooperate with me on this. After trying the flexible and friendly arrangement approach it is now proving unworkable so I am considering adopting a strict custody schedule where we do not at all deviate from the 6 night/ 8 night arrangement. That is set in stone now until the children reach the age of 16 where they can decide themselves. I strongly suspect that parental alienation is taking place. I accept that this could be confusing for the children as we literally live only two streets away but I would like to enforce that when they are with me they are with me, end of. This does not mean they can't pop round to either house but when this happens currently my ex will often hijack them and I receive a text saying that they have chosen to stay with her for the night. It means there is no stability and consistency during the period when I have them. I am of the opinion that until my eldest daughter reaches 16 she can't legally choose where she wants to spend the night and certainly this is too young for my 11 year old. I don't want to force her to stay with me but then again I want to maintain strong boundaries between the two homes. I now want to use the parallel parenting approach because I firmly believe that my ex is a HCP (high conflict personality) which means she is incapable of rational and fair conversation. She is stonewalling me and any conflict that occurs she will automatically blame me which then gets passed down to the kids as 'Dad's fault'.
If there is anyone out there who has experienced the same and who could offer any advise I would be grateful.
Many thanks
Adrian

 

[Peanut 21]

Firstly if your user name is your real name I suggest contacting admin to change it. This is to keep your personal info hidden.

Secondly, as your girls are getting older your ex is clutching at straws to try and manipulate them.
If you applied to court now they absolutely would take your daughters wishes and feelings seriously. If your ex manipulates them into saying what she wants them to it may back fire on you.

Courts and cafcass listen to childrens wishes as early as 11 years old. It's a fallacy that court orders can be enforced until kids are 16. They expect parents to adapt as the kids become teens and schedules changed to reflect when they want to spend time with friends or hobbies etc.

I personally think that the best thing you can do is tell your daughters they are welcome at your home whenever they like. At 11 and 14 they should be responsible enough for their own set of keys. They need your house to be a safe haven for when their mother gives them grief.
I don't think applying to court is the answer. It will make the ex ramp up her campaign against you.

 

[Peanut 21]

My partners kids are the same age as yours and as soon as they hit 11 the ex ramped up the alienation.
As long as you keep getting to see your kids you can have influence on them.
Your opinion about the kids not being able to decide is absolutely right and I agree. It's what all good parents would think. Unfortunately the courts/Cafcass don't always go along with it.

 

[Adrian Sykes]

Hi Peanut 21

Many thanks for your reply, very helpful at this time. Hard to know what exactly to do as don't want to force them to stay with me but equally need to demonstrate that I value my time with them and I am their dad and want to see them. Any thoughts on a co parenting app and having more control / equality over the schedule?

Thanks for the personal info advise too, will try and change it


Cheers

 

[Peanut 21]

Any thoughts on a co parenting app and having more control / equality over the schedule?

The pro of a co-parenting app is that messages can't be deleted from them.
But the con is the behaviour of the users. If one person is reasonable but the other isn't I don't see how an app can change this.

In terms of control and equality, again if one side isn't playing ball, you can't change their behaviour.

How often are you seeing your girls?

Do you have much to do with their school?

 

[Adrian Sykes]

ok cheers
Yes iv'e invited her to accept the invitation for the app but she's not playing ball.
Meant to see the girls 6 nights out of a fortnight but it's recently been much less especially with my eldest who often decides to stay at her mum's instead of with me and her Mum is encouraging it rather than holding up the arrangement but I guess that is to be expected as they gt older? I don't think my 11 year old should have the same autonomy however. Their School is good and there are no problems there.

 

[Peanut 21]

ok cheers
Yes iv'e invited her to accept the invitation for the app but she's not playing ball.

She probably feels there is no need to now as the girls 'can decide'. Red flag when they put the kids in that position. These types of people are undermining the other parents authority and are placing the children higher up the natural parent/child hierarchy.

Meant to see the girls 6 nights out of a fortnight but it's recently been much less

How often? 1 night? 2? Sorry for the questions. It's important because as long as you're seeing them that is something. It's when they time is totally cut off, you have a problem.
How are the girls when they're with you? Relaxed? Moody? (I appreciate this is normal at their ages), do they get on with your partner? Does the ex message them constantly?
I do suspect she's manipulating them. But something else at play could be that since you separated she relies on the girls too much for companionship.

especially with my eldest who often decides to stay at her mum's instead of with me and her Mum is encouraging it rather than holding up the arrangement but I guess that is to be expected as they gt older?

Yes it can be expected. They may naturally gravitate more towards their mum as becoming young women they can relate more. But as they mature they may appreciate good old dad too.

I don't think my 11 year old should have the same autonomy however.

I agree. Sadly courts don't appear to think the same. They put children under way too much pressure in my opinion. Which is why the court route may not be the best option. By the time it gets to hearings your daughter could be 12. This could also push your ex to force the girls to side with her. 'Look what your dad is doing to me' type scenario.

Their School is good and there are no problems there.

Do you go to parents evenings and have a report with their tutors/teachers?

 

[Adrian Sykes]

HI
no thanks for the replies, appreciate your attention to detail!
Probably on average seeing my 14 year old 3 out of the 6 consecutive nights and seeing my 11 year old 4/5 out of the 6 nights. They get on well with my partner but my ex will be messaging them a lot, FaceTime, arranging events for them etc when they're with me. We live very close and have previously had a flexible arrangement. I had to put in a boundary recently as she would often just turn up at the house unannounced and invite herself in on the understanding that it was what the girls wanted and I had encouraged that approach after moving so close

the boundary did not go down well!

It has been a mess ever since tbh

I do go to the school and have a report but nothing negative has come up yet

 

[Peanut 21]

OK, keep up the time you see the girls. That is the main thing, you keep seeing them regardless to how often.
Although it's frustrating try and look past the amount of overnights.
The ex probably won't budge on this behaviour.
Court will most certainly inflame the situation and spur the ex on to get worse.

Keep a good relationship with the school. They can sometimes be used to pass on info if one parent becomes obstructive.
From what you say it seems your ex is currently being a pain in the arse but not stopping time with the girls totally.

 

[Adrian Sykes]

Yes all true
Thanks very much for your input on this, really appreciated
Cheers

 

[Peanut 21]

No worries.
Keep us posted on developments.

 

[Adrian Sykes]

No worries.
Keep us posted on developments.

will do