I've been divorced since 2016 and my children are now 15 & 13. For years I never discussed child maintenance with them as I always thought it was an adult topic. I made sure I paid more than was legally required from day 1 and contribute to activities as well as giving some pocket money directly. I used to get frustrated when I heard the kids talk about Mum not being able to afford certain things and I eventually told them that I pay child maintenance towards their well being. I left it at that but was considering being completely transparent with them about how much. I've held back having that discussion as part of me thinks it may just be my ego talking and knowing I've contributed without having to express the details to my children should be enough. Just wondered what people's thoughts are ? Thanks
Guest viewing is limited
- You have a limited number of page views remaining
- 2 guest views remaining
- Register now to remove this limitation
Transparency with child maintenace
- Thread starter jungleboogy
- Start date
It's a difficult one. Like when they say why don't we have such good holidays as Mum. I am so tempted to say "it's me paying for them and I can't afford good holidays and give your Mum money". But I don't I have said on occasion that I pay money to your Mum. He said he already knew about that (I wonder what kind of version he was told!).
Maybe it depends what comes up. If they say Mum can't afford something again, maybe be more specific and say you contribute a large sum to provide for them and it's up to Mum how she manages it. But when they're older you might pay it to them directly. All that really depends on the situation - you need to be careful as they may tell her what you say and it not get translated that well.
I would be tempted to just change the subject if they mention it again. Unless it's something specific like if they say Mum can't afford a good holiday for them all this year. I'd say something like - a lot of people can't afford a good holiday but you can have fun on any kind of holiday and some people get a part time job just to save for holidays. Or whatever.
Maybe it depends what comes up. If they say Mum can't afford something again, maybe be more specific and say you contribute a large sum to provide for them and it's up to Mum how she manages it. But when they're older you might pay it to them directly. All that really depends on the situation - you need to be careful as they may tell her what you say and it not get translated that well.
I would be tempted to just change the subject if they mention it again. Unless it's something specific like if they say Mum can't afford a good holiday for them all this year. I'd say something like - a lot of people can't afford a good holiday but you can have fun on any kind of holiday and some people get a part time job just to save for holidays. Or whatever.
I think you have said enough. Just saying that you pay mum to help with their wellbeing, explains why you do not have direct control. If they ask again, I would just say that financial things are for adults to worry about and you have faith in mum to make day-to-day decisions when you are not with them.
You could ask them to let you know if they are missing out on something they really need. Whatever is missing could then be brought up very tactfully with mum. If mum is not willing to take steps to provide what is needed, perhaps overpayment could be replaced with purchases for the kids.
This all depends on your arrangement. If mum is cooperative about your time with kids and willing to be flexible/generous, might be best not to rock the boat. If it is an informal arrangement that you like, you risk opening a can of worms.
In short, I would backtrack a little rather than telling them more. Just a few years until they will have the understanding to make their own judgment.
You could ask them to let you know if they are missing out on something they really need. Whatever is missing could then be brought up very tactfully with mum. If mum is not willing to take steps to provide what is needed, perhaps overpayment could be replaced with purchases for the kids.
This all depends on your arrangement. If mum is cooperative about your time with kids and willing to be flexible/generous, might be best not to rock the boat. If it is an informal arrangement that you like, you risk opening a can of worms.
In short, I would backtrack a little rather than telling them more. Just a few years until they will have the understanding to make their own judgment.
A belated thanks for all your replies, appreciate it