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Today was my FHDRA day

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18city

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Hi All

This is my first post but have been stalking these threads for quite a while as I have obviously been having difficulty with child arrangements. Just thought I would share my experience so far in case it helps other dads in the same shitty position.

Background is we split at the end of last year, initially overnight contact took place twice a week without any problems, 2 preschool boys. Ex got toxic after I told her family some truths but that's another story; she then restricted time with the boys to supervised by my parents in her retaliation. At the first murmur of me going legal she hit me with a NMO based on lies and to get legal aid, I gave an undertaking with no findings or admissions and that was the end of that.. I was naive and in hindsight should have kept my application quiet - we live and learn.

My time with the boys was stopped completely in March when she demanded a drug test (historic cannabis use admitted), she wanted me to give a drug test for ALL drugs. Solicitor and Cafcass both said not to do any test as unless its Court ordered it won't be accepted.

I had to wait 4 long months without seeing my children which was a dagger through my heart every day, particularly as she was now playing happy families with her new fella (now separated).

Cafcass recommended in the initial safeguarding letter that interim supervised contact restarts asap whilst a S7 report is done. My solicitor (very good) managed to get supervised contact reinstated prior to the FHDRA, every other Sat and Sun in the community. This is a massive commitment for my full time working parents but better than a contact centre that the ex wanted to put the boys in.

Today was the FHDRA (waited over 4 months for a date) and whilst I am no better off yet, I am no worse off. Well I suppose I'm a bit better off as an interim order is now in place so she can't stop contact again and I'm now on the right path to stopping her control. Cannabis test ordered (will be negative) but all other drugs thrown out as no evidence. My barrister (also very good) and Cafcass today both said S7 not needed but as the original reporter recommended it based on false allegations it was ordered (18 weeks!). So next hearing in January and hopefully once all her false crap is dealt with we can finally move on.

The system stinks, they are supposed to protect kids but think its ok to wait 4 months before a first hearing is scheduled to deal with children matters meanwhile any Tom, Dick or Harry that the Ex meets on a dating app can have unsupervised time with our children.

I know from reading these threads a lot of dads self rep and I take my hat off to you and applaud your bravery for taking on such a biased system as I don't think I would have the emotional strength to go it alone. I have a good solicitor who doesn't entertain tit for tat and I was impressed with my barrister today, we didn't get much movement but I have confidence she will get me a good final order.

Good luck to all the brilliant dads out there fighting for their children's rights - I wish you all the best.
 
I'm really pleased for you 18city, stalking in the right places is worthwhile ;-)

While today's outcome is a result and a relief for you my advice is to be very wary of what a S7 produces. It can, and will be, all sweetness and light....including the pre report phone call that 'tells you' what the report states....and then the black and white writing will arrive.

Please don't imagine you're over a summit today, it's only a hill ahead of a mountain. A cruel mountain.

Your legal rep sounds on the ball, so do you and I think you will stay strong; in the meantime make fabulous (but not contrived) memories of your time with your children as the process unfolds.

Well done, SS.
 
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Thanks StayStrong

I know I'm just starting the uphill climb and there could be many twists and turns to come but I am 5 months further on than when this started and feeling so happy not to be in a contact centre.

Mum raised no other issues today, thankfully and even spoke positively of the supervised contact despite initially requesting a contact centre to Cafcass. I also know my drug test will be negative. Mum is extremely controlling and as she asked for the drug test she won't back down no matter what. She doesn't back down ever - what she says goes, it always has. I could possibly have avoided Court by doing the test privately but at the risk of her asking for another in a few months time. TBH I think she wants out of the system as much as me and realises herself she has gone too far. Her rep was useless and could hardly string a sentence together.

My barrister said today 'she has nothing but a bit of weed'.

She will undoubtedly be sweetness and light to Cafcass but even she didn't want the S7 doing.

We do have financial matters to resolve with the house (she left), she is pushing for that but I have said I'm not willing to deal with it until after Child Arrangements. She is settled so I see no need to rush it, but she is stamping her feet about it.
 
Thanks for sharing this and it will help other Dads - you've done well so far and yes the time stinks. In fact I just did a post on that as many Dads aren't getting interim orders. Consulted with a few professionals and got some info as to why and asking everyone to write to their MP!.

Judges and court staff are willing and overloaded - the system is breaking down. Solicitors say it's Government underfunding.

Speed up court hearings - write to your MP

So - more and more Dads are finding - long waits for first hearing, long waits for final hearing and no interim orders being made at first hearing. I am seeing that more and more. After some consultation I find that Legal Advisers are not qualified to make interim orders - which may be one...
www.dadswithkids.co.uk
 
18city.

Noted above what you write.

Financials: my advice is do it now, and formally. I've been through the position of 'wait until.child arrangements are sorted'. It doesn't work that way - nor does it have to. I understand your position is that you are still in the FMH; while that doesn't count too much, it does count more than many Dads' positions, who thought it best they leave first to reduce conflict on children. They do.the very best thing for their child/children in that instance and end up very much worse off, in all ways associated to seperation and divorce. Such is the system.

Pushing the financials now will see an outcome no less than 8 months away. You know that the s7 takes 14 weeks to produce, with a subsequent FDR 3/4 weeks after. And then a final hearing date (hopefully lol) for child arrangements. That'll be another 8/10 weeks. The two Court processes need to be in tandem or else you extend the combined 'grief' further than you ever needed to.

Have you issued a divorce petition yet? If not, and not in receipt of one, get on with it.

Finally, and drawing on my own expetiences: when the other side felt I was on the ground and financially unable to sustain any more (child arrangement, legally represented)) litigation they smacked me with a financial remedy order. They thought they would rail road me on the (very) technical aspect of the financial side of seperation and divorce.

They miscalculated because I anticipated the move. I had reserved some monies to instruct legals to see me through the financials, which produced, down the line, a financial result I and my children fully deserved. In the meantime, for nearly a year, I self repped on child arrangements.

Very sadly, almost three years have passed and while the financials are sorted and Decree Absolute will be celebrated very soon....the child arrangements case continues. But because I moved on the financials, in tandem with the CAO.....And got the result WE deserve.....I now have the capital to instruct and no longer have the pressures attached, emotionally, and without proper legal knowledge, of self repping.

Go for it. SS.
 
Hi SS

Im sorry to hear of your position and hope things improve.

We are not married, but yes I am in the FMH. Would this be a different situation. The only financial thing that needs sorting is the house. I want to buy her out and she has agreed although a figure hasn't been discussed yet. My thought is that holding off until after child arrangements gives me a bit of leverage to stop her playing any silly games in Court with the children and that an early resolution can be agreed rather than long proceedings.

Its 18 week for the S7 (Christmas week) with a return date in January.

I would appreciate any advice regarding financials and the timing of this, obviously I want this concluding quickly too but my feeling is to wait.
 
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You're welcome, and thanks for your mutual support. I have yet to ever display my full circumstances on this forum, 'my own (full) story', but I will in time and when the coast is fully clear.

What I do want to underline to others that read this forum currently and in the future is this: I lurked for 2+ years on the forum that preceeded this one and I learnt SO much from genuine people in real cess pools of grief regarding post seperation matters. What was told significantly informed me of the wider circumstances of dealing with seperation and the particulars of managing through the legal system and the broader bias that exists across the institutions involved in this common aspect of peoples' lives.

Back to your circumstances. Any pre nups in place, any significant money variations or injections to your living standards between each of you, anything at all that indicates anything other than 50/50? Anything at all beyond a house that has been shared? Have you attended Mediation

It appears straightforward right now, but answers to the above will confirm it.

Take care, SS.
 
Not being married makes things a heck of a lot easier. No divorce to deal with. I don't think there are any financial obligations other than the house and Child Maintenance payments (often a reason ex's reduce time - to get more money).

People and circumstances vary - I think I would also want to focus on the child arrangements first (and let her wait for her money and the financials).

But as I said - circumstances do vary a lot. There can be leverage either way. In some cases an ex witholds the children as blackmail for a better financial deal for the divorce. If you have a child arrangements order first, they can't do that. But I am no expert on divorce financials and strategies.

Personally I could only focus on one big thing at a time and missing your children is a big thing to focus on. It's hard waiting between hearings. You don't want to relax too much and lose the focus - but you can't spend months with your life on hold either. And you have quite a long wait.

I handled it by almost setting a schedule - one or two days a week I would put it all out of mind and focus on enjoying little things in life - going out, having walks etc, watching a film. Two or three days a week I would work at keeping focused - going through things that could be useful for a hearing and filing them, reading up on things.

You perhaps have less to organise if using a solicitor and barrister - but they can still only work with what you provide them.

One big tip I had which helped was to get a big lever arch folder with separate sections which you label - and file everything in it as you go along. A section for court papers and orders, a section for Cafcass reports, a section for professional letters or testimonials (eg from GP, social services). A number of sections for different "aspects" of evidence in my case - in these I had printed out emails to and from ex - under topic headings (which I can't actually remember) - some were to do with unpleasant things she did that affected my son - which included stealing something and making me pay for it! Some were to do with refusal to agree holiday dates. Some were just to show her attitude. Some were to show harrassment.

Later, from all of those, my solicitor said - pick about 6 incidents that are important and focus on the evidence of those.

It took quite some time going through all texts and emails, picking out anything that could be used for evidence, and printing them out - including text conversations in a presentable format - and highlighting particular lines with a highlighter pen or annotating in the margin - eg "this is made up" next to a highlighted bit. Or "this is not true".

And keep adding to it as you go along. This proved to be immensely helpful. Not only did it help keep me sane by having everything organised well in advance, but when I needed to change legal team before final hearing, I could just hand her the folder and it had everything the solicitor needed to know to date in it.

Reading up on things helped keep focus as well. In your case, with such a long wait - you could perhaps just have one day a week on filing or reading up. Because as Stay Strong says - important to make the most of every moment with your kids and keep building memories.

Although you have a solicitor and barrister - it helps to work some things out yourself as well. There was a chapter in a book I found incredibly helpful for preparing to get a court order. It's in a parental alienation book (that was my issue at the time) but it is very well written and organised and specifically about how to get the best court order. Could be worth a read. The book is expensive though. In fact it's gone up in price!

It's chapter eight


Chapter eight is available to read online here

Presenting your case in court

Understanding Parental Alienation: Learning to cope, helping to heal by Karen Woodall and Nick Woodall
www.nickwoodall.net www.nickwoodall.net
 
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