After thinking about what has happened so far, I'm beginning to see a pattern, and to understand a little more about the consequences. It was the phrase in the safeguarding letter giving advice to the court that gave me the clue:-
...
currently living in a Refuge and domestic abuse findings not yet determined...
Although the CAFCASS adviser I spoke to in court did not spell it out exactly, the
fact that the mother and child live in a refuge has a significant influence on their risk assessment criteria. That means if they were still living in the family home and the dad had moved out, or if they were in any other accommodation, the risks to the child would be assessed differently. It's probably because of the mother's fear of the father finding out where they are, which fits in well with the courts view that the child should be protected from danger as much as possible. So the whole system is set up to protect the mother and child from the risks posed from an abusive ex partner. So far so good.
However, in the case of
living in a refuge, not much weight is ever given to the concept of false allegations - it is left up to the court to determine the domestic abuse so that everyone else can feel warm and cosy and can sleep at night in the knowledge that the system is working well to keep the child safe. Except of course the victim of those false allegations who has to live through the torture of waking up in the middle of the night thinking what did I actually do to deserve this nightmare?
So when my narcissistic wife decided to get her own back because she thought I wasn't paying her enough attention she had a cunning plan:-
- Having had a long standing affair with someone who gives her more attention than me (and has a bigger d*** - admitted), and making plans to leave me with the child (admitted) and returning abroad with child (threatened) and escaping to his arms (not admitted), she:
- Accuses me of having an affair with my female beer buddy (proof being a flirty WhatsApp message)
- Has a meltdown to reinforce her yet to be made claims of domestic abuse. (this type of meltdown is called Narcissistic Rage - look it up)
- Whilst still in floods of tears, calls paramedics who will give her lots of attention and sympathy that she cant get from me. Will they make a report please?
- Go to the doctor the next day to tell her tale of woe to the GP about how cruel and awful her husband is due to his domestic abuse of her and the child. Insists the GP writes it all out on her medical record. And by the way, write it all out on the child's medical record too even though the child's at school.
- Make plans to leave the family home. Buy a new suitcase. Hide passports. Don't tell him indoors a thing. Silent treatment etc.
- Get advice from who ever will listen. "You really have to get out of there - it must be awful for you. Poor thing!"
- Contact school with concerns about child's behaviour due to her dad's abuse - can they please make a referral to the authorities?
- As the school doesn't, she makes a referral herself the local MASH people.
- Gets in contact with the recommended women's DA organisations to reinforce her story.
- Looks on internet to see what she has to do to make her plan work. She discovers that a good paper trail is vital together with a meaty list of convincing DA behaviours.
- Gets a place in a refuge and leaves suddenly with the child.
- Tells everyone who knows us she's in a refuge and don't have anything to do with ex because if he finds out where they are, he will come round and cause trouble. Dozens of friends lost overnight.
- I call school to find out anything as she hasn't made contact and I'm concerned for my daughter who isn't in school. I'm informed daughter is safe but because of their protocols they can't tell me any more as her and mum are in a refuge.
- In the meantime I get a Prohibited Steps Order to prevent abduction.
- She visits school again to say she's in a refuge because the child was suffering abuse and can they make a safeguarding report.
- Visits GP again with child to say she's suffering from stress due to DA and the child has anxiety as well. Insists on getting it written down.
- In the meantime I talk to MASH who tell me they no longer have safeguarding concerns about the child as they're in a refuge.
- She has used her story of DA and they're in a refuge to get legal aid
- I get the court date for the FHDRA - later I receive her C1A that has all the venom about my domestic abuse.
- Christmas comes and goes without any contact with the child.
- Having spent upwards of £5K on solicitors who charge £275/hr + Vat and another £1k to be there for me in court, decide to represent myself.
- Get the CAFCASS call which spells out all my domestic abuse crimes which they see as believable because otherwise why would they be in a refuge?
- Get the Safeguarding Letter (at 7:00 pm before the hearing next day) and read that contact is not recommended as ....currently living in a Refuge and domestic abuse findings not yet determined...
- I find the judge going with the flow as he's been round the block a few more times than me, but can perceive that the DA accusations are probably false but can't really side with me too much at this stage. The judge doesn't order fact finding, as he want's the child to see her dad.
So there we have it - a very well executed plan to use the system to her own advantage with only her own allegations as ammunition - and all without any hard evidence to back it up, because she's living
in a refuge.
Let the unravelling begin.
