The stress is overwhelming.

[Razbert]

This is my first post since I found this wonderful site yesterday. My wife left the family home with our daughter, who is under 10, 10 weeks ago and I haven't seen or heard from my amazing daughter since. As a consequence, I'm suffering from stress due to the traumatic events and of the loss of my daughter whom I love dearly. I'm beside myself with grief - it's as though the love of my life has been kidnapped and the ransom note is being continually ripped up and re-written.

For a while before they left, my wife had often repeated her threat to take "my [her] daughter and go back to [xxxxxx]" She is from xxxxx and now has UK citizenship, but has retained her own as well. Our daughter was born here and has dual citizenship and has two passports. My ex had claimed that the UK was racist and as a black woman she can't stand me or my white man's country any more. She intended to leave me and relocate there with our daughter. "You can come out to visit xxxxx".

When we returned to the UK after the summer trip things went down hill rapidly, so I sought legal advice. As a consequence I filed a C100 asking for an urgent 48 hour hearing for a Prohibited Steps Order as well as a Child Arrangement Order. I had a real fear that she would take xxxx out of school and fly back, so that was the only way I could act to prevent xxxx's abduction. After they left the home in early October, I didn't know where they were, but xxxx's school confirmed they were at a refuge and xxxx was safe. The school would not disclose the location. I also contacted the MASH team [Multi Agency Safeguarding Hub] who confirmed my ex and daughter were at a refuge. They declined to tell me where they were or the reasons for her leaving. I didn't tell them I had already filed a C100 in case that got back to my ex which may have expedited her plans to abduct. I also contacted the Police with my concern about my daughter's potential abduction, but strangely, the officer came back to me after consulting a superior, and said they didn't have sufficient evidence to take any action. They also declined to disclose if my ex had made any report against me.

Then the nonsense with UK's creaking court system really started. Even though I had filed the C100 asking for an urgent hearing, I didn't get a hearing date for another 5 weeks! I had tried to contact the court to find out what was going on but was told that the matter was with the legal advisers and I must wait. I even visited the court myself, but they said I couldn't see anyone in the office without an appointment but should send an email. Any phone calls to the court were diverted to a London call centre and the only advice I got was to wait. The court date I eventually got was 40 days from the date I filed the urgent C100 application. I went to the court alone as my solicitor had wanted £750 plus VAT and expenses to attend. It was quite straightforward and the District Judge created the interim Prohibited Steps order which was processed for me to come back for that afternoon to collect. It had to be served on the respondent by email within 12 hours. I had asked the judge if my daughter's passports could be held to prevent her from leaving and he agreed, but he had a legal problem with demanding the child's foreign passport as well as her UK one as only the High Court had that power. In the event he used the plural passports in the interim order and said the respondent would have to appeal if they didn't like it.

Since then, the passports have been handed in, so now at least I know I won't have to fight for her in a foreign court to get her back. Although this is a relief, it has galvanised my ex's resolve to completely isolate me from xxxx. She has told all of our mutual friends not to discuss anything with me, the result of which is they have all said they don't want to get involved, which is sad. She has blocked me on FB Messenger and WhatsApp and has deleted the history. I purposely haven't tried to find her or hassle her with contact requests as I know it would be futile and not help my case.

It seems that my ex has the perception that by falsely alleging domestic abuse, she will get the court to cancel my Parental Responsibility which would enable her to leave the UK with my daughter. It appears that her lies have worked so far, as the Responsible Public Authority has not only enabled her to effectively kidnap xxxxx, but she has also managed to get legal aid. Up to now, no one - including my ex - has disclosed to me what those allegations are. (By the way, for the record, I have never abused my wife or daughter. I only hope I am able to prove that it was my ex that abused me and my daughter, and is continuing to do so by her actions.)

I now I've spent nearly £5k on solicitor's fees and it hasn't even started yet as the first hearing isn't until 14th January. I'm waiting for the CAFCASS safeguarding call, so if anyone has any suggestions as to how to cope with that, I will be grateful. I have no clue how I'm going to survive Christmas without my Dear daughter.

I'll post more when I'm able to.

 

[Ash]

Hi hang in there. You must be missing your daughter terribly but you've done something about it. Assume your C100 was for Child Arrangements as well as prohibited steps. What did you ask for in the CAO application?

Don't spend any more money on solicitors. It won't achieve anything. You'd be better saving your money for a direct access barrister for as and when you have a hearing. That is a one off fixed fee and for 5k you could have had a barrister for a whole day for a final hearing. So Barristers aren't cheap either but they are experts in hearings, dealing with Judges and writing up orders - much more so than Solicitors, who charge by the minute without results often. Barristers get results at hearings and a good one will fight your corner and hopefully make the process shorter and less stressful.

For now - have you had a Cafcass safeguarding email or phone interview yet?

Ok so your situation is very common. Allegations and yes your ex will get legal aid for Solicitors and Barristers etc. But try not to worry. The important thing is that you don't make allegations of abuse back or Cafcass could decide there needs to be a fact find hearing (additional hearing and more money and time) or class it as "conflict between parents" which they consider harmful for the child.

So start getting prepared to jump through hoops as this is a system you have to negotiate, to get to the end and get a final order so you can see your daughter.

Keep your eye and mind on that goal to help you cope. Hopefully, at a first hearing, a barrister could get you interim time with your daughter, even if it's supervised in a contact centre at first.

Good you've got the PSO and the passports.

I'll edit your post slightly so you're not identifiable - without locations you could be any one of 1000's of Dads!

I only hope I am able to prove that it was my ex that abused me and my daughter, and is continuing to do so by her actions

Forget that - don't try and prove she has done anything - focus on being child focused. The reason for a child arrangements order is that the child has a right to a relationship with both parents. Presumably Cafcass will find that you have a clean police record and no social services involvement previously and that in itself will help.

To be successful in this process you need to always present as the calm reasonable parent who doesn't criticise the other parent. A mantra on here is "I just want my daughter to be able to have happy loving relationships with both parents" - which you can say to Cafcass. Don't get caught up in a war with ex or accuse her of anything or you'll be labelled as "aggressive" blah blah.

The goal is to get an order for regular time with your daughter, either "lives with both parents" or "spends time with". To achieve that goal - keep focused on being the calm reasonable parent - and you'll get brownie points.

It is cruel, yes that we go through this grief and anxiety and uncertainty and there is no punishment for the other parent - because she's the Mother.

If she went to a refuge they'll believe what she told them, whether it's true or not, and womens aid will probably give her a letter saying she's a victim of abuse so she can claim legal aid.

Try to detach from all that and focus on being strong for your daughter, you will be thinking about you and missing you and needs to know you're out there and trying to get things sorted for her.

 

[Nujra Rof]

I feel for you Razbert, as Ash said, stay strong for your daughter and the fact you are on here researching, sharing, learning and trying - says everything about who you are. Good luck mate

 

[Razbert]

Ash, thank you for giving me hope!

Assume your C100 was for Child Arrangements as well as prohibited steps. What did you ask for in the CAO application?

I applied for a Child Arrangements Order; Prohibited Steps Order and a Specific Issues Order.

The resulting Order states a schedule of further issues the court needs to decide:-

• Whether the interim Prohibited Steps Order should remain in place
• What should happen with regards to the child’s passports.
• With whom the child should live;
• Whether they should spend time with the other parent and, if so,
  • how often;
  • whether there should be overnight stays and longer stays;
  • whether it should be supervised or supported;
  • whether it should be limited to indirect contact;

The Order further stated:-

It is recorded by the court that the parties share parental responsibility for the child and therefore the
parties shall share and consult with each other in advance of making decisions about the child’s welfare
including but not limited to foreign travel, religion, education, and health.

From that, it would appear that my ex is already breaching the Order because she has not consulted me at all about my daughter's education or health. I know that because I have since spoken to the school regarding her education and found that her mother had asked for an assessment. I also have access to her online medical record where it shows her mother has taken her to the GP without my knowledge. It's my belief that my ex is creating these events to make sure a paper trail is generated of those records.

For example, here is the consultation note of a visit made by my ex to the GP where she mentions my daughter. It shows written official evidence of my DA even though it was a fabrication. Clearly, the doctor should have stated "alleged" before each of the topics. I will attempt to get the GP to change it but it's perhaps too late.


Do you think it's worth mentioning these things in the CAFCASS safeguarding call? I haven't had any communication as yet from CAFCASS but I did use their online chat where they told me the case has been assigned to a case worker who will be in touch with me in due course.

Although you say:-

Forget that - don't try and prove she has done anything - focus on being child focused. The reason for a child arrangements order is that the child has a right to a relationship with both parents. Presumably Cafcass will find that you have a clean police record and no social services involvement previously and that in itself will help.

I think the simple fact that she has taken the child away without allowing contact is evidence enough of her abuse of me and the child - especially if CAFCASS will say they have no safeguarding concerns from my side. I have just got a reply from my Subject Access Request from the police where it says there is no record. I'm waiting to see what the Local Authority say to the same request.

You said:-

If she went to a refuge they'll believe what she told them, whether it's true or not, and womens aid will probably give her a letter saying she's a victim of abuse so she can claim legal aid.

That's so unfair, but you're probably right - which itself is breaching Article 8 of my Human Rights, as the public authority are complicit in her lies. This is what I think from a legal perspective:-



Do you think this argument is legally correct or am I mistaken? My point is that I'm not mud slinging at my ex, but simply blaming the Public Authorities for siding with her without conducting a proper investigation. In other words their unsubstantiated safeguarding actions have caused me to lose contact with my daughter, which has been devastating to us both. Perhaps I could sue them...

Thanks again for everyone's kindness.

 

[Ash]

Yes the whole thing isn't fair.

I think the simple fact that she has taken the child away without allowing contact is evidence enough of her abuse of me and the child

You can forget that too. While we would agree with you the court doesn't punish. Also she's not in breach of the order. What she's doing is ignoring your PR - and that's because she is the self appointed sole resident parent. And the court might tut tut but won't punish her.

Although you both have PR, she is technically the sole "parent with care" - or has appointed herself as that - therefore authorities tend to do what the parent with care asks them. There are cases of GP's and schools refusing to deal with a Dad because the Mother told them not to.

Until you actually have a court order you can't do much about these things.

When you talk to Cafcass, do not criticise the ex - just talk about your child, what a good relationship you have and how you want to co parent amicably. If they say directly - Mrs Ex says you did xyz (ie abuse allegations), don't react and say "she's a liar and she did xyz". Don't do that. Expect it - pause if necessary and say somehting like "I'm sorry she's saying that - I don't agree that is true and I think she is upset about the separation and this application. And "I just want our child to have loving relationships with both parents".

Keep to the mantras.

All Cafcass are doing is determining whether it's safe for Dad to see child. They have already decided it's safe for the Mother to be with the child because the Mother has possession and social services haven't taken the child away. Therefore they see the Mother as safe. So the only person they're looking at is you really. If you react to allegations and make counter allegations they will see you as hostile to the Mother (ie the main parent in their eyes) and decide that is not a good environment for a child and think you should have minimum time. If you use the mantras they will see that one parent, at least is child focused and positive about co parenting and not making allegations and will think that is a good environment for the child and may dismiss ex's allegations as just bluster.

So final orders

She will want "lives with" her "spends time with" you. That makes her the "parent with care" formerly called the resident parent.

An alternative is "lives with both parents" (you are both equally the parent with care and she can't pull rank with authorities). Which is something to aim for. To have a chance of a 50/50 shared care lives with both parents order, you don't want to be making accusations. It won't achieve anything and could make things worse.

So put ex out of mind and focus on

a) how you present yourself and come across - you'll be judged on that
b) the goal of the best child arrangements order possible.

 

[bujanin]

I would like to echo Ash and say that where your dealings with CAFCASS are concerned forget all gripes with the mother, don't talk about your woes. They are purely interested in the child. You can assume that the mother will moan about you and accuse you of all things but if you speak of her, speak positively.

I have fought attempts by the mother to leave the country and the way that I approached my dealings with CAFCASS was informed by this site and it seems to have paid off. The safeguarding call is fact finding, they're looking for yours and the mothers angle on things but it'll be good practice for biting your tongue.

Christmas will be hard but really it's just another day. It'll be hard but it'll pass. You've got time to walk and think things through. Like Ash says get it clear in your mind what you are looking for and how you can present that.

 

[Peanut 21]

DO NOT criticise the mother or any of the authorities involved.
Right off the bat dads are on the back foot.
If you criticise the GP or schools or any other authority about how they have dealt with it, they will close ranks.

There is still very much a stigma with domestic abuse against men. People can get their heads around women and kids being abused but there is a bias that women are victims and men are perpetrators.

You are absolutely right that it's not fair or just and I think everyone on here understands your frustrations. But unfortunately that's the way it is.

May I ask what triggered the separation? What was your relationship like with your daughter before she was taken away?

If you need some support with mentally coping you could try Mankind.