The GUILT factor is so big…

[Nujra Rof]

Hey guys,

So from when I first started this process, I knew it would be so tough for me to see my kids lose the only home they have ever known (marital home to be sold), no longer see there parents together as a couple spending every day with them and resigning my kids to 50/50 with each parent at best. So the dad guilt has been unbelievable!

However, lately I’ve also started to feel guilty towards the pain my soon to be ex wife will be experiencing. I glanced passed her phone and noticed she was on rightmove looking at properties, no idea if it was rent or buy. I know that I am right to divorce her, but having been married for 5+ years you can help but feel sad, and then some guilt because in her own sick, twisted way she tries to show she loves or cares for me - but it’s not a version of love I subscribe to, it’s very fickle or materialistic, not real emotion or empathy or selfless love for the other person. I know it’s all down to her upbringing, her family home was run like a military camp! Her dad being commander in chief & without going into too much detail, everyone follows his orders (to this day) - naturally he’s never liked me because I find the whole thing strange and won’t fall into line, much prefer just being nice and normal lol. But he has made her the way she is, and she almost had no chance of being a “regular” nice person Growing up like that. So I do feel really guilty.

I’m not saying I deserve to be treated or put up with her behaviour, I’m just saying I’m feeling guilt (& sadness) in a way I didn’t think I would towards her….even in the middle of her battle to stop me getting 50-50 with the kids…

 

[Oneofmany]

Buddy, I totally understand what your saying. But in your gut you know you are doing the right thing for you and your children moving forward.

From reading your posts you are in a pretty good position but it may be time to try and take the emotion out of your relationship with the ex as that could well be a chinq in your armor that you don't really want. Its ok to be sad and grieve for the future you expected. Its ok and normal to feel the way you do. Do not tell her what you saw on her phone, that could well be used against you.

But it might be time to raise your shields and treat every conversation and interaction as a trap.

Sorry for being negative but knowing what I know now and have learned from this site and other people this situation is simply a mine field and right now your not stuck in the middle of it but that could change quick time if you make a wrong move. Be in no doubt she'll be on mums net etc getting bullshit advice and also making her own plans as you've seen and I bet your ass she will looking at all the angles just as you are.

 

[Nujra Rof]

Thanks Oneofmany - appreciate it.

You are right in what you say, and yes I’ve learnt loads being on here. See you feel this guilt but then she does something like let me know that she is not keen on 50-50 and doesn’t trust me with the kids and makes me feel like you’re a total tw*t. That is so rude and insulting considering how much I do for them, I’m around them 24/7 having planned my job as such to fit that and I wake up with them every morning as well odd might wake up and deal with it….

No I would never mention what I saw - we don’t actually talk unless it’s about the kids. She is, on some level, still hoping for reconciliation I can tell (even put all the photos of us together hanging up in the bedroom that she’d taken down previously, back up on the weekend - I didn’t even mention it). She tries to be overly nice and make small talk but I tend to cut it out straight away and politely stop with minimal replies. Even on text she’s sending me odd message, somewhat connected to children but just general information about stuff with kids or pictures of me and the kids or just the kids and I just send short replies like “thank you” or “really appreciate it”.

 

[Nujra Rof]

Buddy, I totally understand what your saying. But in your gut you know you are doing the right thing for you and your children moving forward.

From reading your posts you are in a pretty good position but it may be time to try and take the emotion out of your relationship with the ex as that could well be a chinq in your armor that you don't really want. Its ok to be sad and grieve for the future you expected. Its ok and normal to feel the way you do. Do not tell her what you saw on her phone, that could well be used against you.

But it might be time to raise your shields and treat every conversation and interaction as a trap.

Sorry for being negative but knowing what I know now and have learned from this site and other people this situation is simply a mine field and right now your not stuck in the middle of it but that could change quick time if you make a wrong move. Be in no doubt she'll be on mums net etc getting bullshit advice and also making her own plans as you've seen and I bet your ass she will looking at all the angles just as you are.

Shields are up but not natural for me to be like this I guess…