Still processing - will it ever get processed?

[TwinDad]

Hi Dads,

I want to vent, I keep reading that writing down how you feel helps and I know there is sympathy here for what I’m going through.

Since receiving my CC letter, which reccomended only contact centre, which I learnt is probably going to be 2 hours every two weeks; I am sinking into the abyss.

When I close my eyes, all I see are my boys. I am struggling with how unfair this is. I am struggling with why someone I loved so much is so bent on hurting me. I am struggling with being close to losing my career I’ve worked so hard at.

I can see why this leads a lot of men to give up, I get it.

Before I saw the cafcass letter, I wasn’t in such despair, I had optimism, I thought, I’ll be the guy who brings the truth and wins for his kids. I was busily researching, collecting evidence, being child focussed in coparent comms.

Now it feels like there is no fight, nowhere to put that energy; I have to just be a good boy and turn up to a government supervised centre for 2 hours quality time with the most important humans in my life. I have to let everyone pretend that I’m abusive to my babies; it’s gut wrenching.

And for what!? So CC can continue siding with a mother as it’s hard to prove the allegations being made against me!?

Anyway, sorry to depress anyone out there, but if you’re feeling like me and want to cry together, feel free to reach out.

 

[Peanut 21]

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If—​

Play Audio
By Rudyard Kipling
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(‘Brother Square-Toes’—Rewards and Fairies)
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

 

[Peanut 21]

If—​

By Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!

 

[TwinDad]

Thanks Peanut

 

[bujanin]

Hi Dads,

I want to vent, I keep reading that writing down how you feel helps and I know there is sympathy here for what I’m going through.

Since receiving my CC letter, which reccomended only contact centre, which I learnt is probably going to be 2 hours every two weeks; I am sinking into the abyss.

When I close my eyes, all I see are my boys. I am struggling with how unfair this is. I am struggling with why someone I loved so much is so bent on hurting me. I am struggling with being close to losing my career I’ve worked so hard at.

I can see why this leads a lot of men to give up, I get it.

Before I saw the cafcass letter, I wasn’t in such despair, I had optimism, I thought, I’ll be the guy who brings the truth and wins for his kids. I was busily researching, collecting evidence, being child focussed in coparent comms.

Now it feels like there is no fight, nowhere to put that energy; I have to just be a good boy and turn up to a government supervised centre for 2 hours quality time with the most important humans in my life. I have to let everyone pretend that I’m abusive to my babies; it’s gut wrenching.

And for what!? So CC can continue siding with a mother as it’s hard to prove the allegations being made against me!?

Anyway, sorry to depress anyone out there, but if you’re feeling like me and want to cry together, feel free to reach out.

I really do feel you brother. It's all consuming and seems impossible to escape from mentally.

In old language your are most likely in the midst of a nervous breakdown, anxious and scared about the future.

Do you have family and friends in your orbit, people that you can talk to?

 

[TwinDad]

I really do feel you brother. It's all consuming and seems impossible to escape from mentally.

In old language your are most likely in the midst of a nervous breakdown, anxious and scared about the future.

Do you have family and friends in your orbit, people that you can talk to?

You could be right on the mental breakdown. On top of it all, because I've been failing at work, my employer put me on a PIP and that is supposed to end at the end of this month and I am so far behind. Im watching my life peel away and there's nothing I can do, it's overwhelming.

Luckily I do have family who are being 150% supportive. I am currently living with my parents, which is both degrading and comforting. So I am very lucky I suppose in that sense. I am missing mates, who were closeby before I was removed from my house by police officers

How far along the ordeal are you?

 

[mva]

Hi Twin Dad

I can completely relate to where you are. I went from seeing my boys to 3 days a week to not seeing them 7months then contact centre 2hrs a week.

All I can say is when you do start seeing them again you will start to calm slightly.

You might feel like you are losing your kids but your not, try and get reports for contact centre. I used to read / re-read these contact note when overwhelmed to remind me I still was a dad and had sone input in there lives.

Visit GP/ get counselling if needed and accept your emotions as they are currently.

 

[bujanin]

You could be right on the mental breakdown. On top of it all, because I've been failing at work, my employer put me on a PIP and that is supposed to end at the end of this month and I am so far behind. Im watching my life peel away and there's nothing I can do, it's overwhelming.

Luckily I do have family who are being 150% supportive. I am currently living with my parents, which is both degrading and comforting. So I am very lucky I suppose in that sense. I am missing mates, who were closeby before I was removed from my house by police officers

How far along the ordeal are you?

I am coming to the end now. Just under two years. I have been kept apart from my six year old son for a long time, then small periods of supervised, then supported contact.

I will get a shared lives with order but it will take time to recover. Like many on here I relate to your struggles.

If your PIP is due to psychiatric issues it is clearly very good that you are with family. If the one thing that you can control at the moment is your work pour your energy into getting that back on track so that when your boys are firmly back in your life you are in a position to move forward.

 

[Ash]

You need to just take one day at a time and think something positive every day. The key is to keep your eye on the goal and work towards that goal. The goal is a good court order with 50/50 time with your kids. Everything along the way is just horrible stuff and jumping through hoops. But you will get there. It's easy for me to say - be patient - when you ache for missing your kids and a normal life and relationships. But you just keep your eye on that goal and when you get there, all will be ok. So keep up hope.

One piece of advice I read (I think it was from a Parental Alienation book) is that it is really important not to disappear into the abyss of misery. And to keep positive and confident. Because that is how you do better in these processes. You need your brain working.

Otherwise - counselling can help - it can be a support along the way. You could get a GP referral for counselling so it's free.

Does your employer know you have this situation going on? Or is there some HR person you can tell - maybe they can cut you some slack while it's going on.

 

[Busydad1985]

I wholly agree on the HR thing, and telling your employer whats going on - if nothing else it provides some protection from getting sacked. I actually opened a HR case against myself a couple of weeks back, and it lead to me getting a fully funded 1:1 counsellor to help me - I see him for 50mins each week and we talk about coping with all this.

It also got my boss off my back and they cant make me redundant while I am in the process - or so I understand. Plus I am finding counselling really does help!

 

[Fiji107]

Hi mate, I can really relate to your story. Mines slightly different.
I’ve never met my son, we split while she was 5 months pregnant. Then there was months of me trying to resolve the whole situation regarding the baby. Unbeknownst to me she was already laying the foundations and setting the wheels in motion for what was to come. All the while making me believe there was hope for an amicable outcome and making sure I delayed any court application for as long as possible.
Then the baby was born and I was arrested for stalking, all because I asked to meet him. That was last May. Now we’re on the verge of a fact finding hearing and the police, DVA and local authority disclosures have landed and I now know that she’s been setting the narrative that I’m abusive since last February, all behind my back.
For the first few months it was all consuming. It’s all I could think about every minute of every day. I lost my job, I nearly went bankrupt and I nearly went into the abyss.
Counselling really helps me. I’ve learnt to write things down. I’ve learnt to shut off from it while I’m at work. I give myself 2 hours every evening to think about it, write statements etc.
I’ve stuck with it and the lies are starting to unravel. I’m seeing hope at the end.
One thing you said has been difficult to come to terms with, how someone you lived and believed loved you could do all this. I’ve come to realise that she’s got issues. The problem lies with her not me. She’s deeply unhappy and I think always will be. The red flags are apparent to me now. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I now realise that when I broke it off with her that was absolutely the right thing to do.
Have faith. Be honest. Be chikd focused but also focus on yourself because your no good to your child as a gibbering wreck.
Good luck and keep fighting

 

[TwinDad]

Thanks BusyDad and Fiji.

I have been in touch with my HR department and they have directed me to something which may resemble counselling, so thanks for that. I asked whether I could open a HR case on myself, she said she wasn't sure (our HR is mainly outsourced through Peninsula) but she will find out more.

Fiji, that is a terribly sad story, I feel for you not being able to even meet your child for the first time, I can't imagine how you felt. No doubt like me, you had absolutely no idea this was going to happen and it is so painful looking back and seeing the signs that you regret not noticing for what they were.

I have been advised from very kind strangers on here that I need to separate my fear, disgust, hurt that she's caused me and find a way to respect her as a mother and project this through the court process. this is something I will be discussing with my therapist, the notion feels so impossible right now.

Thanks again guys for chipping in and supporting me through this dark time

 

[Busydad1985]

Try and remember you can’t control what she does - you can only control yourself. That means how you respond and how you put yourself out in the world - do it with your children at the heart of it and make sure they are your priority and you will stand a better chance with any court hearings and judgements etc