STBx witholding access

[Daddy Cool]

So I’m wondering if I can get some thoughts on my current situation as my wife is stopping me seeing the children after seeing them as much as possible since leaving family home in July.

So as background, marriage growing more toxic over the last 4 years, finally started divorce in May, arrested in early July due to vexatious allegations, bailed, bail extended and then ended in September as NFA. She tried to apply for NMO but had to withdraw as I proved there were obvious lies in it and we took some undertakings between us.

I was having good access to the children, staying over in my new home alternate weekends from Thursday evening or so and dropping back to school on a Monday morning etc, but I wanted 50/50 as in my mind if we can’t have the family I’d like for my children then 50/50 is the next best thing. However any attempts to increase time with the children were rejected, so I applied for a CAO. Children are 4 and 5.

My CaFCASS interview did not go very well in my mind, it was about 20% related to the children and then the rest about the allegations of DV my wife had made, my arrests etc. I tried saying ‘I’m not sure why she is saying that’ and there were some obvious mistruths I denied, but by the end of the interview I could tell it hadn’t gone so well and the interviewer said she would be referring to children’s services. My STBx has reported things to children’s services before and always NFA.

The next thing I know I get called to court for an urgent hearing a week later because CaFCASS have requested it, but they won’t divulge the contents of their report until the day of the hearing. We arrive in court and the DJ does not have the safeguarding report from CaFCASS so can’t give any directions, my STBx’s solicitor advises that they will be stopping access for the time being , and then speaks to me outside of the court room and says will wait to see what is in the CaFCASS report.

The same day my STBx contacts CMS and I receive a letter the next morning saying they have been informed I will be having children zero nights a week, do I agree, etc. etc.

As you can imagine the CaFCASS report I received on the day of the hearing does not make for good reading due to all the lies and allegations my STBx has made and advises no interim contact, however a judge has never ruled.

Child services have been in touch as instructed by CaFCASS and have concluded NFA.

To this point I have approached for some contact with my children but my STBx’s solicitor and her are rejecting this because obviously they are sitting behind the CaFCASS report. However for three months earlier in the year me having access to the children was not an issue.

Since leaving the family home and all the turmoil I am going through the only thing that has brought me any pleasure is being with my children and with my sons birthday next week, and then Christmas around the corner you can imagine how I’m feeling.

So based on all the collective wisdom on here, and experiences of past cases is there anything anybody would advise to see if I can re-establish some contact with my children.

FHDRA is expected to be at the end of January (no actual date set yet) and at the moment it feels like my only hope is to try and convince the judge in that hearing to re-establish some contact.

Sorry for the long post, but I wanted to provide some context.

 

[Daddy Cool]

Then today I get a date for my FHDRA in the middle of March.

So by the time we get into court and I actually have chance to refute her allegations it will have been over 4 months since the children have seen me. There is no way this is in the best interests of the children, but there is no way I can expect my STBx to act in the best interests of the children.

How can this be allowed to happen ?

 

[mva]

It’s an absolute joke. The next hearing if you can afford it you need barrister. You need interim contact established, to avoid a fact find and try and avoid any MH/drug tests etc if you don’t have a non mol against / bail conditions send you kids letters/ presents etc

Hang in there

 

[Peanut 21]

Then today I get a date for my FHDRA in the middle of March.

So by the time we get into court and I actually have chance to refute her allegations it will have been over 4 months since the children have seen me. There is no way this is in the best interests of the children, but there is no way I can expect my STBx to act in the best interests of the children.

How can this be allowed to happen ?

It's a damaged system that needs reforming.

 

[Daddy Cool]

It’s an absolute joke. The next hearing if you can afford it you need barrister. You need interim contact established, to avoid a fact find and try and avoid any MH/drug tests etc if you don’t have a non mol against / bail conditions send you kids letters/ presents etc

Hang in there

Thanks, DJ has already said he is not interested in fact finding (because I assume he thinks it will just end up inconclusive) but has asked for police notes from my arrests. I think that will be a good thing as there is likely to be sweet FA in them. We have to provide statements from doctors about MH related visits if requested, but for me I know there are no issues and I believe STBx. I do see kids on FaceTime from time to time, but there is nothing like the 'Daddy Hugs' they used to come up and ask for.

 

[Daddy Cool]

It's a damaged system that needs reforming.

It really does seem that way. Too few employees with too much to do and nobody has the time to think about the bigger impact to the children, just tick the boxes.

 

[mikeayo1891]

Thats why i always suggest strike first before the ex. In the family courts the parent withholding the child at the time of the c100 application always has the upper hand.

 

[Daddy Cool]

@mikeayo1891 - So what would you suggest I could have done differently in my situation? If one parent predominantly has the care of the child and you want to apply for 50/50 I don't see how such a situation can be avoided.

 

[mikeayo1891]

I always advocate the father withholding the children first before applying for a CAO. Thats the only way to bring the mothers to the negotiating table and get an interim order that is 50/50. I'm in a similar situation as you and i havent seen my child in 18 months. Cafcass will not recommend any interim contact once serious abuse allegations are made and judge will go by their recommendations. So if you an ex like mine who is adamant, you are likely to have wait till the conclusion of the case before any contact is allowed. That can easily mean 12 months down the line.

What i would advise though (and this is against popular opinion) is to insist that a fact find is done immediately. I tried to avoid a fact find and previous judge agreed with me and said no need for fact find but ex continued to bring more and more serious allegations with new judge they just couldnt ignore the safeguarding concern and had to order for a facf find. I now had to wait almost 11 months for the fact find. I just had it last week. So been in court for 18months now and havent really progressed that much.

 

[Daddy Cool]

@mikeayo1891 - Thanks for this, it's really helpful as judge also said no fact finding in my case as well, which on one hand you would think should speed things up, but your experience is saying otherwise.

I have no idea how you manage to wait so long........ As above the only positive thing in this whole situation for me was spending time with children.

 

[nothernsoul]

Good afternoon mate.

So sorry to hear you are going through this.

Your story sounds almost identical to mine. We've all got lots of advice from our own experience but what is say to you is keep your eye on the biggest picture of them all, and that is securing the best outcome for you and your children.

Your ex sounds like most of ours on here. She will be revelling in it all,.taking pride in her little victories while telling anyone who will listen what a monster you are. Don't fall into the trap of seeking out short term wins - there's almost nothing you can do to make things better at the moment other than map out your strategy.

No point in communicating with her, she'll just goad you and enjoy the power she sadly has for now.

If you're a drinker, knock it on the head. Start to catalogue all the times you had with the children and get them into a sort of month by month file system. I found this really helped me when looking for evidence.

I'd also start researching local barristers. If you get the right one they are worth their weight in goals.

Mostly, stay positive. When you are on the edge of cliff peeping over it's almost impossible, most of us have been there but we will help you all we can and get you through.

 

[Daddy Cool]

@nothernsoul - Thanks for the sound advice. Luckily I don't drink, just the occasional beer or wine with dinner, but I must stop snacking on crap....LOL

One thing that is a (slight) positive is that I have plenty of time to pull together a robust witness statement for the next hearing. If I go into court as prepared as I can be and with the right support then at least when i leave I take some comfort in knowing I have done everything I possibly could.

As you say, i'm sure I will get there in the end but days like today when it is the little mans birthday are tough.