Start of my journey, or the end? I'm at a loss.

[Northernlostdad]

Sorry for the long post. I'm at a loss.

Background

I was arrested a year ago at a gathering and it went down as a DA initially. Social services got involved. SS report was all positive as no risk to the children, but alcohol was mentioned a lot (both of us). they confirmed I wasn't the one who was at fault in the said incident, as I received multiple marks but noted the relationship wasn't going too well.
It went NFA and the SS report was all positive.

Ex then moved a few hours away. We tried to make it work and i was there every weekend to see the children.

However she suddenly got a new partner and stopped all contact saying she needed time.
Finally agreed to every second weekend plus bank holidays etc. Her dropping off. Me doing the return. Which we did for 3/4 months and it was going fine in person or via third party. Albeit some disagreements over times etc.

But recently she has stopped contact again. Shes claiming everything she told the SS and the police last year was lies. Can she go back on everything with the police and SS?

Admittedly at the start of the separation this year, i was begging to see the kids, wanting to work on the relationship, but I wasn't then aware of her new partner. I was getting frustrated about her not replying about child arrangements and making plans to dates such as christmas. Also father's Day. I didn't stay child focussed, as she gave new dad the fathers day card from one child and me one from the other child only. I think this was to get a reaction, which happened. Didn't let me know about school change etc. I have never threatened to hurt her or called her bad names or anything. But said some personal stuff in reaction.

She would take a week to reply about child related matter, if she even bothered to... It's also been hard as I have not been able to see one of the children.

We was together 9 years, brought up 2 children together. The oldest isn't biologically mine, But he only knows me as dad and I brought him up since before birth. I haven't seen him since for months. The other child I was having every second weekend.

She expressed no concerns whilst I had him and never asked anything. From drop off on the Sunday, I wouldn't hear anything about the child, until the day of the next drop off (12 days). We had few messages in-between but there was obviously emotions on both sides. This was before I got used to being every second weekend dad. She was open to me having him for a week in half term etc.

But now she claims that I am threatening in messages and she feels she can't communicate, which seems to be since I asked for a DNA test (she had affairs) and since she found out I might have a new girlfriend (I haven't).
In hindsight, i should have been friendlier in communications to potentially avoid this.

I have a good job, ex claims benefits for mental health, anxiety, depression, bpd and self halm. I know not to mention this, and won't. I know she looks after the children well, so it's irrelevant.

She refused mediation at the last minute, although said she was willing at first. I have my MIAM certificate. She might see court as me trying to take the children away. But I only want to have an agreement in place.

So I'm now in a position of no contact. And trying my best not to contact her for child arrangements ( I've asked like once every week or so) but worry that she will go for the non mol charge or something if I continue to ask about child arrangements. I haven't been near her house in months and wouldn't.

I don't want to make things worse by submitting the C100, but I feel like it's the only option. I worry about the allegations that will be made, the cost and the time it takes which is the only thing keeping me from doing so. I could contest the allegations with my own, but don't want to get into mud slinging if It doesn't have to. I also think she had the break up planned, as when I look back, the choice of her words in messages make me think this. I was just blind sided and thought it would never get to this position.and we was doing well before the separation. I also took the separation and not seeing the children pretty badly by drinking more on the weekends when I didn't have my son. I didn't know how to handle such a big transition. But I realise I should have been doing the opposite.

I know she will focus on the alcohol and DV, as this was mentioned in the social report. I have stopped drinking, and will provide peth tests when needed. But a hair strand I'm not sure Id pass yet.

She hasn't replied in the last month to anything and I have only asked about making child arrangements, suggesting a parenting app, email communication. Asking what we can do to find an amicable solution and asked if there was a reason for refusing mediation, and if she has concerns we can try and sort them nicely etc. She has ignored it all. Although, she might not even have received them if I'm blocked. I'm not sure.

For the last 2 month or so, since finding this forum, I have stayed child focussed as all I want is to spend regular time with my son as I have always done. He loves his time with me just as much as I do and everyone knows that.

But I'm at a loss. I feel like I can't win in this situation, as I feel she has planned it from the start and I have no idea what's the best thing to do.

Leave it to calm down, contact her family members to try and get child arrangements, or continue with the C100 or even just give up completely.

Spending time with my son, was the only thing keeping me going. It's broken me.

Does anyone have any advice?

 

[mva]

sorry to hear this, many on here can relate and understand the devastation caused by not seeing your kids.

It sounds like even if she does relent and "allow" contact again she could withdraw it at any moment.

Your obvious frustration in communicating with her about trying to arrange things will only play into her hands.

It sounds like you have tried to be reasonable about parenting apps etc but she isnt interested.

in short I think you need to put in your C100, you need a regular court ordered arrangement. Without it you will just be in limbo.

She is likely to bring up allegations etc but its part of the course and just be prepared to jump through the hoops.

Given up completely is an option, but one that will offer you no relationship with your son. So its not an option.

Try not to think to far ahead that will just lead to more anxiety, one step at a time at that starts with C100.

chin up , people on here will have your back

 

[Ash]

Ok. So she had been "allowing" regular time with the children well after the previous incident that was NFA'd so I don't think regurgitating old allegations will get her far. If you were any risk to the kids she wouldn't have allowed you to see them all that time (or she would be seen to be putting them at risk if she really thought you were a danger). Yes she might say you've sent some nasty messages at one time. I don't think that will be enough on its own. I also think you should put the C100 in. But ............

The oldest isn't biologically mine, But he only knows me as dad and I brought him up since before birth. I haven't seen him since for months.

You are very very unlikely to get a Child Arrangements order for the oldest one if he isn't biologically yours, regardless of parenting him for years - unless your ex agrees to it. Sorry if that is bad news - but he can look for you when he's older. The other child that's yours, I am sure you will have a good chance of at least getting an order to reinstate the time you had before.

As you've already indicated, it's important to not say anything negative or critical about the Mother and show you're child focused. Especially to Cafcass.

I would still apply for a Child Arrangements order for both children. Are you really concerned that the second one might not be yours?

It's a bit of a slow process but you just take it one step at a time and hopefully you'll get an interim order (might take 2 to 3 months) to be able to start seeing them again, until the process is complete. We can help on here with things along the way. If you can afford a direct access barrister for hearings, it will probably help with the outcome. You can do a lot yourself otherwise, with help on here.

 

[Northernlostdad]

Ok. So she had been "allowing" regular time with the children well after the previous incident that was NFA'd so I don't think regurgitating old allegations will get her far. If you were any risk to the kids she wouldn't have allowed you to see them all that time (or she would be seen to be putting them at risk if she really thought you were a danger). Yes she might say you've sent some nasty messages at one time. I don't think that will be enough on its own. I also think you should put the C100 in. But ............



You are very very unlikely to get a Child Arrangements order for the oldest one if he isn't biologically yours, regardless of parenting him for years - unless your ex agrees to it. Sorry if that is bad news - but he can look for you when he's older. The other child that's yours, I am sure you will have a good chance of at least getting an order to reinstate the time you had before.

As you've already indicated, it's important to not say anything negative or critical about the Mother and show you're child focused. Especially to Cafcass.

I would still apply for a Child Arrangements order for both children. Are you really concerned that the second one might not be yours?

It's a bit of a slow process but you just take it one step at a time and hopefully you'll get an interim order (might take 2 to 3 months) to be able to start seeing them again, until the process is complete. We can help on here with things along the way. If you can afford a direct access barrister for hearings, it will probably help with the outcome. You can do a lot yourself otherwise, with help on here.

Thanks for the reply. Especially regarding old allegations, as that's the part worrying me the most. As it was a terrible experience.

Yes, she was allowing access to only one son every second weekend and raised no concerns in this time.

Even when she stopped contact, reasons where related to threatened communication, and being concerned not knowing where her son was the last time I had him.

I stated that there was no contact needed the weekend she stopped access as it was already arranged 3rd party to 3rd party as was often the case and didn't need any communication. And if she wanted to know where we was she just needed to ask. Or get someone to ask me. I have no problem sharing information about our son.

She said she didn't want to message as she feels threatened. Although she messaged to arrange pick up times and then picked him up with no problems. We even discussed next time a day later.

I asked if she would be happy to do a DNA swab for paternity, as I want I want to exclude close relatives. This seems to have had the affect of not allowing me to see our son and her opening the CMS case. I confirmed with Alphabiolabs and they advised mothers swab needed and choose enhanced test to exclude close relatives. But I think it has to go through CMS now, and I'm not sure I can request a specific one? But yes, there are genuine valid reasons for wanting this specific one, and not only just my reasons.

If I am unlikely to get a child arrangements order for the older child, is there any point in applying for both children? I do feel the older one has been pushed away from me, and I would accept that I have to go for my own son, and hopefully the older one will look for me, or she will allow him to come in the future.

Is a prohibited steps order normally part of the process? As there was often talk of her moving further away and I wouldn't want that. Although this can be parked for now, as it's not at a point where she will now, but there's a high chance she will want to in a few years.

I guess, the advice is to submit the C100, and see how things play out.

I kind of hoped that things would just fall back into place.

And yes, I was thinking about self representing, and then using a direct access barrister. As I want every chance I have to get access and get the best possible outcome.

 

[Ash]

If there is no imminent urgency that she might move then a PSO isn't really necessary. Your ex is probably really xxxx'd off that you asked for a DNA test. You need to be careful there. If, on the one hand, you're applying for a child arrangements order, and also a DNA test, the court might think you;re not that committed to the idea of the Child Arrangements order. I read of a case recently where the Dad demanded a DNA test when ex went to CMS and the court viewed that badly.

It probably is worth applying for both children, you might get indirect contact or occasional contact at least. Not very likely though, but at least your eldest would know you had tried.

 

[Northernlostdad]

sorry to hear this, many on here can relate and understand the devastation caused by not seeing your kids.

It sounds like even if she does relent and "allow" contact again she could withdraw it at any moment.

Your obvious frustration in communicating with her about trying to arrange things will only play into her hands.

It sounds like you have tried to be reasonable about parenting apps etc but she isnt interested.

in short I think you need to put in your C100, you need a regular court ordered arrangement. Without it you will just be in limbo.

She is likely to bring up allegations etc but its part of the course and just be prepared to jump through the hoops.

Given up completely is an option, but one that will offer you no relationship with your son. So its not an option.

Try not to think to far ahead that will just lead to more anxiety, one step at a time at that starts with C100.

chin up , people on here will have your back

Thanks for the support.

You're right, it's not in my heart to give up. He is my son and I want to always be apart of his life.

I was playing into her hands. For quite a long time before I realised. But once I did, I changed my tone and perspective on communication. I didn't know what I should be saying until reading various things on here. Hopefully not too late!

You're right. One step at a time. I seem to look into everything and then get worried about things that might not even happen.

I did think the contacting family might be an option. As that worked before.

But as you say, she could withdraw at any moment. And it's the second time now within 6 months.

But in limbo, with no contact and no access. There's no other real option. And I have tried with all the ways I thought would help the situation.

Also, I don't want to risk that I'm harassing her. Even though I only send 1 message every week about child arrangements. But I will stop that now too, unless someone advises I should still show I'm trying to get contact.

 

[Northernlostdad]

If there is no imminent urgency that she might move then a PSO isn't really necessary. Your ex is probably really xxxx'd off that you asked for a DNA test. You need to be careful there. If, on the one hand, you're applying for a child arrangements order, and also a DNA test, the court might think you;re not that committed to the idea of the Child Arrangements order. I read of a case recently where the Dad demanded a DNA test when ex went to CMS and the court viewed that badly.

It probably is worth applying for both children, you might get indirect contact or occasional contact at least. Not very likely though, but at least your eldest would know you had tried.

Yeah, she has just moved, so it won't be for a few years, so will leave that as it's not too relevant at the time being.

That's interesting. The DNA test definitely complicated matters then.

I haven't yet contacted CMS regarding paternity. But it's unclear what I'm supposed to do in the situation.

Wait until I have child arrangements order? It's kind of difficult wanting to know, but not wanting to make things worse.

Yeah, you're right. I do want the eldest child to know I tried.

When applying for both, it's in on the same C100?

I will look into this more as I'm filling out the form, as I'm not too familiar with 2 children included. Although I have read on type of things to include on the form.