Apologies for what will be a lengthy post, I think I need this off my chest just as much as I will be grateful for input and advice. I’ll try to keep it concise and current yet still the full picture.
Official details -
Shared 50/50 since April 2019, 5 and half years
First court (2019) cross-undertaking no contact other than via family, shared notebook etc
Second court (2021) Section 8 agreement regarding home address, school and medical
Daughter registered with me, Son registered with mum
Other than the odd family event needing to be discussed it has been plain sailing since I applied to court to stop ex moving the kids schools and doctors when she moved half an hour away a few years ago.
Now in year 6, I was aware pressure was being put on my daughter to pick a high school by her mums but other than picking up that there was definitely something going on I had no idea the extent. For me it was simple. Her primary has a secondary next to it (they’re literally only separated by an alleyway that has back door access to both schools) so it was the natural progression but if she decided to go to school by her mums then that would be that.
First day back in September my daughter got the high school options letter and as soon as she came out of class asked me to take her to the open day at a school that is closer to my address. It turns out she’d no desire to move on with her current class (very catty girl group under the impression they’re posh by local standards) and her mum had bad mouthed the place to the point it was almost no longer an option.
We went to the open evening and she absolutely loved it, I’ve not seen her so enthusiastic in a long time. We went back a few days later for a maths-based escape room event that they put on for the current pupils during the day and the potential next year starters in the evening. She insisted on scootering her way there to time it, less than 4 minutes. Turns out the school her mum wants her to go to is 15 minutes on a bike and over a very busy city centre roundabout.
That evening my daughter came clean with me for the first time that her mum had made it not a choice of schools but that it was actually a choice of mum or dad, who she’d be with Monday to Friday rather than 50/50. I genuinely had no idea she had that weight on her shoulders. My daughters last words at drop off back to her mum were that she's ready for the interrogation, the word made me shudder as I’m playing catch-up, trying to process just how messed up this situation is. I did the usual big squidge with a “keep chin up sweetheart”.
The next morning I woke up to WhatsApp audio recordings of the half hour drive back to her mums. It was disgusting, the emotional toying with her mind and pressure being applied.
Next handover back to me (3 days later) it turned out my daughter had spent 2 nights at her aunties, highly unusual and unheard of previously. We did the normal big roast dinner round nan's and home for ‘Sunday night, bath night’ - as you do. Whilst I was doing lunch boxes my daughter came in and said along the lines of dad I’ve made my decision and messaged mum. S’cuse French but it hit me like a train and I couldn’t help but think “oh shit” as I knew the can of worms that’d just been opened. She showed me the message and she’d pleaded with her mum to understand she thought this was best for her.
For the next couple of hours I could not stop my daughter from talking, it was almost like she was on a euphoric high and pouring everything off her chest, a year or 3’s worth of talking in a couple of hours. I know I’m biased but she’s absolutely sharp as a tack and has not missed a thing and then some! My lady friend had put together a pamper-hamper for her so she had a foot soak and facemask. Whilst that was going on she was receiving a barrage from her mum, auntie, cousin. They all flooded her WhatsApp.
The next day, and after checking with my daughter that she didn’t mind me going to talk to her grandparents, I went to see them. I told her it was time for adults to talk rather than all through her phone. I went and made it clear how disgusted I was with the past weeks revelations and that in line with our section 8 we somehow needed to reach agreement sooner rather than later with the submission deadline next month. Since then it is noticeable by the dozens of messages that my ex is literally love-bombing her. It’s cringeworthy the switch from emotional pulling to blatant sucking up.
Fast forward a week, a handover later, and my daughter has now decided she wants to go to yet another school. One that is closer to her grandparents and an auntie (not the one mentioned previously). It’s probably 10 or so minutes from me, 10 minutes from our sons primary and 35 minutes from her mums.
My daughter has also gone back to will not talk to me about schools, she’s fine and totally her normal happy self with everything else. She’s doing exceptionally well, I’d describe it as blossoming, in to the stage of pre-teenager. Her schools version of a prefect with a different title, head librarian, person for the younger kids to turn to, active in after school clubs and choir. She’s an absolute blessing of a child.
Whilst me and my son were watching daughter at football practice I asked him how things were at his mums with all the high school stuff going on, he said “mum says it’s not *daughters* choice any more”. The cruel cow has spent months putting pressure on her to make the choice to cut me out and when it’s not happened has taken away being able to make a choice.
I knew things weren’t good but I am absolutely disgusted by the extent of just how much, she’s ten for gods sake and being emotionally abused and manipulated and there’s literally nothing I can do other than try and counter it by showing her how it should be in my half of our time together.
Daughter has gone from the happiest and most excited I’ve seen in a long time to just being ‘meh’ about the whole situation.
Most recent update is I requested a sit down with her mum and granddad. That was denied and I was told to speak to the auntie that daughter had spent a few nights with recently. I wish it was that simple, as that auntie is the most reasonable and level headed out of all of them. She moved away at the earliest opportunity, she lives half an hour away from me too but in the other direction!
After trying to process what should’ve been spread over 12 months in a week or two I have tried to boil things down and simplify..
I could just accept her mums poison and try to do my best from my end.
I could go completely against and try the court route, yet I know no-one would thank me for that and this time at the very least my daughter would be exposed to the whole process.
I could do the school admissions application myself, justified by the brick wall I’ve hit trying to deal with them recently, yet I know that’ll end up used against me in the long run..
Again, apologies for the long post. Any neutral advice I will be thoroughly grateful for even if it’s hard to hear.
I’d also like to add that 99% of what I say I can prove by screenshot and I record almost everything when I see it coming. It’s not stuff that’s easy to listen back to but it’s better than not being able to prove it was said.
D
Official details -
Shared 50/50 since April 2019, 5 and half years
First court (2019) cross-undertaking no contact other than via family, shared notebook etc
Second court (2021) Section 8 agreement regarding home address, school and medical
Daughter registered with me, Son registered with mum
Other than the odd family event needing to be discussed it has been plain sailing since I applied to court to stop ex moving the kids schools and doctors when she moved half an hour away a few years ago.
Now in year 6, I was aware pressure was being put on my daughter to pick a high school by her mums but other than picking up that there was definitely something going on I had no idea the extent. For me it was simple. Her primary has a secondary next to it (they’re literally only separated by an alleyway that has back door access to both schools) so it was the natural progression but if she decided to go to school by her mums then that would be that.
First day back in September my daughter got the high school options letter and as soon as she came out of class asked me to take her to the open day at a school that is closer to my address. It turns out she’d no desire to move on with her current class (very catty girl group under the impression they’re posh by local standards) and her mum had bad mouthed the place to the point it was almost no longer an option.
We went to the open evening and she absolutely loved it, I’ve not seen her so enthusiastic in a long time. We went back a few days later for a maths-based escape room event that they put on for the current pupils during the day and the potential next year starters in the evening. She insisted on scootering her way there to time it, less than 4 minutes. Turns out the school her mum wants her to go to is 15 minutes on a bike and over a very busy city centre roundabout.
That evening my daughter came clean with me for the first time that her mum had made it not a choice of schools but that it was actually a choice of mum or dad, who she’d be with Monday to Friday rather than 50/50. I genuinely had no idea she had that weight on her shoulders. My daughters last words at drop off back to her mum were that she's ready for the interrogation, the word made me shudder as I’m playing catch-up, trying to process just how messed up this situation is. I did the usual big squidge with a “keep chin up sweetheart”.
The next morning I woke up to WhatsApp audio recordings of the half hour drive back to her mums. It was disgusting, the emotional toying with her mind and pressure being applied.
Next handover back to me (3 days later) it turned out my daughter had spent 2 nights at her aunties, highly unusual and unheard of previously. We did the normal big roast dinner round nan's and home for ‘Sunday night, bath night’ - as you do. Whilst I was doing lunch boxes my daughter came in and said along the lines of dad I’ve made my decision and messaged mum. S’cuse French but it hit me like a train and I couldn’t help but think “oh shit” as I knew the can of worms that’d just been opened. She showed me the message and she’d pleaded with her mum to understand she thought this was best for her.
For the next couple of hours I could not stop my daughter from talking, it was almost like she was on a euphoric high and pouring everything off her chest, a year or 3’s worth of talking in a couple of hours. I know I’m biased but she’s absolutely sharp as a tack and has not missed a thing and then some! My lady friend had put together a pamper-hamper for her so she had a foot soak and facemask. Whilst that was going on she was receiving a barrage from her mum, auntie, cousin. They all flooded her WhatsApp.
The next day, and after checking with my daughter that she didn’t mind me going to talk to her grandparents, I went to see them. I told her it was time for adults to talk rather than all through her phone. I went and made it clear how disgusted I was with the past weeks revelations and that in line with our section 8 we somehow needed to reach agreement sooner rather than later with the submission deadline next month. Since then it is noticeable by the dozens of messages that my ex is literally love-bombing her. It’s cringeworthy the switch from emotional pulling to blatant sucking up.
Fast forward a week, a handover later, and my daughter has now decided she wants to go to yet another school. One that is closer to her grandparents and an auntie (not the one mentioned previously). It’s probably 10 or so minutes from me, 10 minutes from our sons primary and 35 minutes from her mums.
My daughter has also gone back to will not talk to me about schools, she’s fine and totally her normal happy self with everything else. She’s doing exceptionally well, I’d describe it as blossoming, in to the stage of pre-teenager. Her schools version of a prefect with a different title, head librarian, person for the younger kids to turn to, active in after school clubs and choir. She’s an absolute blessing of a child.
Whilst me and my son were watching daughter at football practice I asked him how things were at his mums with all the high school stuff going on, he said “mum says it’s not *daughters* choice any more”. The cruel cow has spent months putting pressure on her to make the choice to cut me out and when it’s not happened has taken away being able to make a choice.
I knew things weren’t good but I am absolutely disgusted by the extent of just how much, she’s ten for gods sake and being emotionally abused and manipulated and there’s literally nothing I can do other than try and counter it by showing her how it should be in my half of our time together.
Daughter has gone from the happiest and most excited I’ve seen in a long time to just being ‘meh’ about the whole situation.
Most recent update is I requested a sit down with her mum and granddad. That was denied and I was told to speak to the auntie that daughter had spent a few nights with recently. I wish it was that simple, as that auntie is the most reasonable and level headed out of all of them. She moved away at the earliest opportunity, she lives half an hour away from me too but in the other direction!
After trying to process what should’ve been spread over 12 months in a week or two I have tried to boil things down and simplify..
I could just accept her mums poison and try to do my best from my end.
I could go completely against and try the court route, yet I know no-one would thank me for that and this time at the very least my daughter would be exposed to the whole process.
I could do the school admissions application myself, justified by the brick wall I’ve hit trying to deal with them recently, yet I know that’ll end up used against me in the long run..
Again, apologies for the long post. Any neutral advice I will be thoroughly grateful for even if it’s hard to hear.
I’d also like to add that 99% of what I say I can prove by screenshot and I record almost everything when I see it coming. It’s not stuff that’s easy to listen back to but it’s better than not being able to prove it was said.
D
