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Son won't go back to his mums

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Gazelle34

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Hi all,

I'm pulling my hair out here and could do with some helpful words and advice.

My son will be 15 in September and there is a court order in place and the summer should have been shared 50/50 with the first week with his mum. However, he was with me on Friday and about 10 minutes after I picked him up, I got a phone from the safeguards lead at school saying my son had spoken to them and he didn't want to go back to his mums at all. The school advised him to call the local family services team which he did.

He was on the phone to them for about 15 minutes and they then wanted to speak to me, after speaking to a supervisor, I was told that I shouldn't go against his wishes.

I informed his mum who just demanded I took him back and threatened court, setting deadlines etc.

My son had no contact until I suggested to his mum that she sent him a text to see if he would go, but he doesn't want to.

I don't want to go too much into detail here about the reasons, but he is scared of her and can't be himself around her. He said he's been planning this for weeks and says there is no way he will go back now because he knows she will punish him for this.

I'm massively caught in the middle, I can't made him go, and even if I could magic him there, I would be putting him somewhere where he is massively unhappy, so much so that he is willing to walk away.

My mind keeps going to me being charged with being in contempt of court, to my son being dragged out and back somewhere he feels not emotionally safe.

My solicitor has advised that I go to court to adjust the order, but I tried this 2 years ago when my son requested the same thing, but the courts decided not to "rock the boat" basically and keep things basically the same other than it now states he lives with both parents rather than with her and seeing me.

This is massively effecting my mental health and I feel caught between the legal position and my sons wellbeing.
 
Your son is 15, his views will be taken very seriously. I say do nothing and tell ex you aren't going to force him to go, but have encouraged him.

Let her apply to court, if he is dead set on this, he can be asked to speak and they won't force him back to his mothers. @Ash is best to respond to this as this is exactly what happened to him.
 
No-one can make your son go back if he doesn't want to. He's 15. If he doesn't want to, don't make him. My son moved in when he was 15. When is yours 16. At 16 they can legally live wherever they want and a court isn't going to enforce an order for a 16 year old.

You should support him and say of course he can stay with you if that's his choice. But you can also talk to him and encourage him to keep up some contact with his Mum. Ultimately that's up to him.
 
Ash said:
No-one can make your son go back if he doesn't want to. He's 15. If he doesn't want to, don't make him. My son moved in when he was 15. When is yours 16. At 16 they can legally live wherever they want and a court isn't going to enforce an order for a 16 year old.

You should support him and say of course he can stay with you if that's his choice. But you can also talk to him and encourage him to keep up some contact with his Mum. Ultimately that's up to him.
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He is 15 in September, so another year until he’s 16.

What happened with you? Did his mum try to enforce the order etc?
 
At this point, by the time his mother applies to court and gets a hearing it will probably be when your son is 15. By then cafcass don't get involved too much as all your son will say to them is he wants to stay with dad.
Family court is civil court, not criminal court so you cannot be punished in the same way.

Please don't live in fear as you wouldn't be in contempt of court.
 
nothernsoul said:
At his age, your son's wishes and happiness quite rightly trump your mum's wishes and happiness.

Absolutely champion his mother and promote a positive relationship but if he feels safer with you...great job dad.
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This is part of the issue I have, as much as I think it’s generally good for a son to have a relationship with both parents. However, he says she will punish for this if he goes back, and I can’t lie to him and say it will all be ok, because I know he’s right, she will.

I want to encourage him and influence him to go back and see her, but where would that leave my relationship with him if he then can’t trust me either.
 
The others are right. There is nothing a court could do if your son remains steadfast and you provide an environment that protects his welfare. Also, you are not breaking any law.

Your ex has plainly done a good job of controlling him and making him fear the consequences of going against her. She might be in the process of transferring that skillset over to you. If you haven't heard of it, I suggest you have a look at the 'grey rock method' for interacting with your ex.

My personal opinion is that you should not pressure your son to contact his mum. He has been very brave and shown you the utmost trust. For now, he might need some time to settle. Maybe in a few weeks he'll decide it is time to message her. After he is secure in the knowledge that you have his back on this big decision. You could ask him if it might be time to contact her. It is his choice at this point.

Finally, have you considered some form of talking therapy for him? I think that could be helpful. If he is open to the idea, this could be led by him. Lots of therapists have an initial chat for free. It might give him a safe space to get things off his chest. Coincidentally, it would also create an independent record of his decision and the problems your ex caused him.
 
Agree with all of the above.

You do not need a solicitor to explain what is vividly right on front of you.

Your sons welfare is the priority here.

I've not been in a situation like this but you could send the mother a message letting her know that your son is safe and has asked for some privacy and time to begin to move forward.

Let him know you are ready to talk when he is but that any plan / contact moving forward will be largely on his terms within reason.

Give him the time and safety he needs.

You don't need to do anything via courts or solicitors.

If mum wants to go down that route allow her to use her negative energy on someone other than you or your son.

She won't.
 
Thanks everyone, that’s all really helpful, and it’s certainly helped me mentally.

I’ll continue to do what I’m doing, give him time but also gently encourage some form of contact without there being any pressure.

He already noticeably more relaxed here than he used to be when he knew he had to return, he’s becoming much more confident and chatty which is great to see.
 
Resolute said:
My personal opinion is that you should not pressure your son to contact his mum. He has been very brave and shown you the utmost trust. For now, he might need some time to settle. Maybe in a few weeks he'll decide it is time to message her. After he is secure in the knowledge that you have his back on this big decision. You could ask him if it might be time to contact her. It is his choice at this point
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I second this.
Obviously being the stable sane parent you want him to have a relationship with his mum.
But so many mothers don't encourage the opposite, so do you know what, sod her.
She's the adult. She created this situation for your son. Let her reap what she's sown.
It won't be long before your son is classed as an adult and it's his choice whether he becomes estranged from his mother or not. It's his relationship so his choice.
 
Assuming she does apply to enforce the order, would I need a solicitor there then?

I tried a few years ago to amend the order without a solicitor when my son wanted more time with me, but CAFCASS just said "he's doing ok at school" and because there was conflict (instigated by her) then a split arrangement wouldn't work, so basically nothing changed, even though the S7 report stated his wishes.

I guess the big difference is that he's now 2 years older and a young man, I want to do the best for him, but I'm not made of money!
 
Absolutely follow your son's wishes. At this age it's surprising how much they know - they have the internet. He has probably already checked it all out and knows he can stay with you if he wants. Prioritise your son's choice over your fear of ex and court.

My son also moved in at 15. I'll message you.
 
Thanks all for your advice. I've decided to follow it and not take things to court myself. Ultimately this is between my son and his mum, I wasn't involved in the decision and all I can do now is try to support him and encourage, without pressuring, him into some form of contact.

The more I thought about it, the more I realised that if I take this to court, I'm turning it into her vs me. Furthermore, I could spend thousands getting a piece of paper that cannot be enforced, so what's the point?

With or without a piece of paper, my son cannot be forced to go somewhere he would be unhappy.
 
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