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Solicitors letter incoming for ex

OliverR

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My ex has told me to expect a solicitors letter this coming week . I don't know the content of the letter yet but she is currently unwell and I'm thinking she may play on her mental health to limit my current time with my son and she has hinted at that through text .

My son is currently 17 months and I see him week 1 Saturday 9am - Sunday 9am
Week 2 Sunday 9am - 5pm
Reoccurring.....

From the feedback I have on here this is good contact given his age with the overnight aswell . I was planning to start mediation in a month or two to get more time however I may find myself fighting for my current schedule now 😔.

Can anyone tell me how my exes mental health card would be seen in a court ? Are they likely to favour her over me , as I'm the father I appreciate I would always be up against it .
 
It's always nerve wracking when you know a letter is coming and you don't know what it says. I would think it's to do with the mediation - if you've mentioned that? Or maybe you haven't mentioned that yet. Presumably you've been discussing extra time though. Lets wait and see what the letter says, but if the time is reduced, just put an application in quickly. So I would suggest you have your MIAM now. It will last for 3 months if you don't need to apply to court just yet.

I can't see how her being unwell should be a reason to prevent you having time with your child. In fact it could be argued that it could be helpful to her if you had the child a bit more while she is unwell (but don't say that to your ex or the solicitor at this point).
 
Be very careful about anything you put in writing from now on though - either by text or email or otherwise. If you do end up having to go to court, these communications can help or hinder your case. For example if you were seen to be unsympathetic to her being unwell or whatever. If your ex is well enough to hire a solicitor I doubt her mental health is that bad. But any replies to either her or her solicitor should be brief and courteous. Solicitors letters are never nice to receive, but don't worry - it's just blather. That solicitor is acting for your ex, and not in the child's best interests. They act for their client. That is one of the problems with the system.
 
Thanks for your reply . Yesterday my exes brother verbally threatened me " I won't be responsible for my actions" and " we will get a restraintment against you if you contact her again" we're his threats. Story goes a few weeks ago he asked me to contact him with anything regarding my son and my ex wouldn't be contactable for a while . A day later she messages me and from then on I would get daily texts asking who I am seeing etc , things to do with contact arrangements and generally goading me . I would reply but never instigated the conversation .

I am yet to receive the solicitors letter from my ex but I am expecting something to the effect of ... " My clients brother asked you not to contact my client and to speak to him regarding anything related to your son" regaular contact has made and it has my client I'll " .

My argument would be that she has instigated the conversation , to the point she would ask me to ring her , I would ask what for and she would say it was regarding our son . Basically manipulation and anything to rile me to respond . But I guess the court ( if it gets to that) would say she was ill and not thinking straight while I would look bad for replying . I asked her to use a parenting app to keep things civil but she declined, I have this in text .

I stayed in contact as j was worried for my son , I know the family are drinkers . I have a message from my ex saying if I don't pick up the call she will drink drive ( albeit this was a few months ago) , I have texts from her saying her mum has hit her on more than one occasion all while my son is under the same roof . I'm so tempted to use some of this but I know it could back fire and I'd end up worse off . It winds me up so much .

This is the worse I've struggled with things so far 😕


I hate this as I'm being bullied by her family .
 
A couple of quick thoughts.

1. Solicitor letters are toothless and they don't hold you to anything legal. They are just scary to people who have never had to deal with this kind of thing before. When I went through the divorce, at first I felt accountable to solicitors, then I realised they are expensive pen-pushers that don't hold any legal power. Read their letters and step back for a few days, even when they state "reply by XXX date".

2. Restrict all comms to ex and her family. They are unstable; you can't reason with instability, instead you are opening yourself to future accusations.
 
Personally I wouldn’t contact ex or her brother at all . Go through her solicitor. This sounds like it’s heading for a non mol application which will slow down everything.
 
Thanks for your replies , i haven't felt good all morning but the replies have helped me feel a little more positive.

Regarding the solicitors and replying to the incoming letter can i reply myself or would it be best to use a solicitor of my own?

If it slows down the process i will continue to deal with her brother but just keep contact as limited as possible , the problem with this is it will likely eventually break down.
 
You can respond in person to her solicitor. It can be very emotive and I would advise getting a trusted person to check what you have drafted in response. Less is best in response and unscrupulous lawyers talking about your kids / contact know how to bully via letters etc . Any response has to be measured otherwise can be used in court down the line. Go careful mate and don’t respond straight away .
 
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Right now I wouldn't respond to anyone about anything until you've had this solicitor's letter. I agree it may be trying to set you up so they can go for a non molestation order and say you're harrassing her. It all sounds a bit toxic. If your ex genuinely is being abused by her own family you don't know who to believe. And I understand the concern about your son. But if you have a message from her that threatens she will drink and drive with your son in her care, if you don't respond to her - that is something to keep for evidence. It's a threat. I'm even wondering if social services should be involved.

Yes ok you could say - here she asked me to contact her - here are the messages! But you don't want to be on the defensive like that, in a NMO hearing - best to avoid one altogether.

Are social services involved with the family? What's the situation re court proceedings? Are Cafcass doing a section 7? If you have real concerns about your son, then maybe social services should be involved. However, if you contact them, that could backfire as well (you may be accused of doing it as some kind of attack or something). You can do it anonymously via the NSPCC. They will probably know it's you, but they won't be certain.

If you're still getting to see your son weekly then hold fire and keep an eye on things. What need is there for communication anyway? If the times and pickups etc are already agreed/determined?

If responding to her solicitor, then check on here first, what to write. They may try and trick you into saying something inadvisable.

I agree with Proud Dad that Solicitors letters are just twaddle and mean nothing in the court situation. However, your replies could be used as evidence - for or against you.
 
No social serves aren't involved at present , I'm trying to avoid it but of course that's at a risk. As you said if it backfires they will raise hell .
Court has only been mentioned as a threat of taking me a the way regarding our son and a contact schedule . There's no cafcass section 7 ongoing.

She messaged me the other day to say sorry but my illness is mentioned in the letter

I'm unsure if her new proposal will be reduced hours , along with a threat to get me to agree them . If the contact time is the same as current maybe I should just except and make any mental health accusations go away and apply for mediation in a few months when my son is closer to 2 (21st of Jan 23)
 
Ok I remember now. Wait and see what the solicitors letter says. However it seems no coincidence that you started asking about increased time and this happens. Don't respond to her message. I'd also make a diary note recording what her brother said to you. If that's not in writing, a diary note can do as evidence of something having happened. Keep records of everything said from now on. I do diary notes by emailing them to myself - ie writing an email to myself - means the note is date and time stamped so more authentic in future. Then make a file for diary notes and file them all together. Helps if/when you come to court situations, to have everything recorded in one place and see which ones are needed/useful.
 
I agree with Ash here, and from experience.
If the solicitor letter says do not contact, contact them and you ignore then you are possibly getting set up for a non-mol. Thus possibly giving the ex the excuse to use this to gain the legal aid cert for the solicitor.

Just remember solicitors are scum only looking out to line their own pocket.
 
Yep sit tight till you get the letter - and when it comes - don't let it knock you for six too much - it's just blather - the solicitor is acting for her client and is unlikely to be one of those solicitors who seeks to reach mutual agreements. It can hit hard reading them - but put it to one side for the rest of the day - do something else and then second time around reading you're feeling more rational and will realise it doesn't really say anything at all apart from rubbish. If it does mention reducing time, then you have every reason to apply to court to get it reinstated. Particularly if it says your ex is unwell - because you can show concern that child needs support of the other parent if one is unwell.

If the contact time is the same as current maybe I should just except and make any mental health accusations go away and apply for mediation in a few months when my son is closer to 2

I wouldn't make any mental health accusations anyway - that could make you sound like a bully to the court - ie having no concern or sympathy for her. It would sound like an attack. The only thing to highlight would be "worry and concern" that the Mother is struggling with childcare and you want to see your child more often and offer any support on days she is unwell. That kind of thing.

It seems strange that she would use her mental health as an excuse to prevent time with you, when it could actually mean the opposite - ie that she may not be in a fit state to look after the child. On the other hand, she may find contact with you hard (if she's still in love with you eg - relationship breakups are emotional things).

Did you already ask for mediation recently, or just ask for extra time first? I seem to remember you didn't get to the point of asking for mediation. I am not sure she would go anyway if she has these mental health issues.

I think you need to have a MIAM now though - just in case they are about to reduce your time with your child. So you can act quick to get an application in. Then you'd be in a position of trying to get the time back, so might as well ask for more at the same time. The MIAM lasts for 3 months. So if they don't cut your time now, and you decide to wait till child is two, then you'd need another MIAM before January.

So it's either have a MIAM now and be prepared. Or wait till the letter comes then decide if you need a MIAM and apply to court. It's weighing up time and money. The cost of possibly two MIAMs versus the cost of delays.

Yes you would have a better chance of more time when child turns two - but if you're going to lose time now, then you'd need to apply now. And it could be tailored to gradually increase to a full schedule when child is two.
 
I used to love it when my ex would warn me of an incoming letter, would never elaborate to its contents but would love to leave me in suspense awaiting its arrival.
Tip i found was to read, put aside and ignore as the ex was obviously awaiting a reaction to this. Over time the ex when she didn't get her reaction would ask if i received the letter, to which you answer "no not yet, is it important"?
She then goes off to rant at her solicitor who in turn thinks she's a loon.
 
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