Shared custody

[jpricewfd]

Long story short I have a little boy who is 7 nearly. Since when me and his mum separated when he was 2 I have had my little boy 4 days in 10 and she has had him 6 days. The reason for this at the start is that I felt that he probably needed his mum more than me and also it meant I paid her CSA which I have done since then at £293 a month. This also helped her get a house etc. We never went through courts we just sorted it ourselves.

Now hes 7 and grown up and enjoys his time with me I dont see why we cant do 5 and 5 instead of 6 and 4. he also seems happy with this too.

Of note she's also had some domestics with her new partner (who she has a child with) and the police got involved and social services. Another reason why I want to spend that bit more time with him.

Where do I start with this. She's not keen on the idea for obvious reasons and doesn't want to loose her £290 a month but as far as im concerned there is not one negative reason to make it 5 and 5 instead of the 4 with me 6 with her.

As far as im concerned shared custody is the best for him.

Neither of us would want to go to court, we never did before.

 

[NewcastleBrownAle]

the first step would be mediation, if that fails then court. But watch your back for false allegations and mud slinging.

 

[jpricewfd]

Why should I have to go for mediation? Surely she has no right to just make the decisions. I could understand if I wanted to have more days than her. Its half and half.

 

[MagicJ]

Hi @jpricewfd , welcome to the forum.

I'm glad to see you found a way to make the coparenting work in a manner that fitted your needs when your son was younger.

Can I ask what the challenge is at the moment, is it that you just disagree?

How did you resolve disagreements over the last 5 years given there was no CAO in place?

 

[jpricewfd]

There has been no disagreements. She just doesn’t want to loose the money she gets a month.

 

[NewcastleBrownAle]

well,

There has been no disagreements. She just doesn’t want to loose the money she gets a month.

reassure her that the money remains the same , then maybe she will agree to what you are asking for.

 

[jpricewfd]

Why would I do half and half and still pay her?

 

[NewcastleBrownAle]

Why would I do half and half and still pay her?

I'd pay double to have my child 50/50. Is not paying her, your incentive to go 50/50? Or maybe thats what your ex feels , is your motive ?

 

[jpricewfd]

As far as I’m concerned it’s about been fair. 50:0 has to be better for him. Half with his mum and with me. But I don’t see why I should still have to pay that’s ludicrous

 

[Ash]

Just a note that the term custody isn't a term that has been used for a long time now. It's "lives with" or "spends time with" or "lives with both" - whether the time is equal or not. Also CSA hasn't been around for a long time now either - it's the Child Maintenance Service (CMS) - not quite as bad but pretty bad.

I think you should stick with what you've got personally. It will only have a negative effect on your child if he gets caught in the middle of hostilities over child maintenance. You wouldn't save that much if you had him half the time - there'd be more to pay for and you'd also be expected to pay half of everything he needs - instead of just child maintenance.

I don't think you'd get anywhere if going to court either as there's an established pattern and they don't like changing established patterns. Social services haven't decided to remove him so without them deciding your ex is unfit, that isn't going to happen.

 

[jpricewfd]

With respect I pay for everything he needs now. I cloth him, I take him on holiday, I still pay all the things on top of what I pay per month. I probably pay more than she does for items.

This post wasn’t about money, it was about making it fair and making it half and half. I stick by there is no issue or reason not to have half and half when he even says he wants to stay an extra night.

 

[MagicJ]

Morally, you are absolutely right in what you say but legally you will struggle to enforce any change after several years of an established pattern.

At 7, children's wishes and feelings can be heard but play a minimal amount in any legal process.

I asked about handling past disagreements as, from what you've stated so far, this is clearly a disagreement and you have no ability to enforce a change without a judicial intervention OR negotiated change I.e mediation OR if you think it's the CMS she wants, agreeing to voluntarily continue it

 

[MagicJ]

If you are interested solely in your sons wellbeing and truly believe that 'Shared Care on a 50/50 basis' is the right approach then you should know that is the same belief for pretty much every member of the forum

You need to hold on tight to that belief so that you don't stray from that focus when decision making moving forward.

This is a long game for you, you need to let her think she is winning and leave her to play the short game.

I'd give her the money, change your schedule to 50/50 and not bother with mediation.

Document all the time you spend with your son, any positive agreements, school holiday schedule arrangements etc with Mum, the fact that he's with you 50/50, what you do for care time, school, education, clubs and quality time

Then in 2 years apply for a c100 to formalise the Childcare into a Childcare Arrangements Order and this will put you in the solid position you are looking for moving forward.

 

[Ash]

That's good advice from Magic. Set a new established pattern of 50/50 while continuing to pay the child maintenance. However there shouldn't be any need to go to court all the while that continues. But - I think your ex still won't agree, for that very reason - that in a few years if you went to court and got the 50/50 court ordered, then there would be no child maintenance to pay. So she may not accept or trust voluntary child maintenance now for 50/50. Her security is that you have less time than her.

When you say it's 4 nights out of 10 - how does that pattern work? A usual pattern is every other week-end with each parent (either a 2 night or 3 night week-end) and either 1 midweek overnight or 2 consecutive midweek overnights. So if it was a 3 night week-end and two midweek overnights, that would be 50/50. What you could do is 6/14 with you and 8/14 with your ex. So it's nearly 50/50 but she is still eligible for Child Maintenance - and you can make a family based arrangement for how much that is - the CMS accept that. So you could continue to pay the same amount. And also pay for half of school uniform, school trips etc.

I wasn't suggesting you didn't pay for other things - just that that is how 50/50 works - you share the cost of everything (or pay a bit more than half if you can afford it and it's not unreasonable).

I suggest you play a longer game and keep things amicable - which is best for your son. Instead of pushing for 50/50 - leave things as they are and occasionally ask for an extra night. 4 nights out of 10 is nearly half though. Does the schedule leave you with long gaps without seeing him? eg is it four consecutive nights with you and then 6 consecutive nights with her?

 

[Peanut 21]

As far as I’m concerned it’s about been fair. 50:0 has to be better for him. Half with his mum and with me. But I don’t see why I should still have to pay that’s ludicrous

We all hear you. We all agree with you.
But sadly it's not that simple or easy to resolve.