I've read lots of things on these forums over time, and just wanted to post about my experience so far which I think is going positively.
Background:
Had my initial visit from CAFCASS a few weeks ago - it was a brief visit to see me and the kids at home and to introduce herself, and she did the same with their Mum a few days prior. Whilst with me she asked if she could speak to the children which I was fine with too. My oldest expressed some concerns but not all. I was able to have a chat with her briefly after as well and explain i've been bombarded with false allegations from the start but I can evidence these as being nonsense.
In between that and my appointment today, I sent through the notes I had kept during this time and made clear these were typed down as my son had told me and were not me speculating. I also sent two other things - one was a previous exchange of messages between us about my oldest about 18 months ago as he was "playing up" for her then, and again you can see by my response i'm trying to help and I don't want him to have a stressed relationship with Mum. The other is a message she sent me about her mental health and needing some days off and would I watch the kids - this was shared to show that I did not use that against her and I looked after them (one of her allegations is I have depression and threatened to kill myself in front of them all when she ended the relationship with me
). As part of that we were ordered to provide GP letters which I believe are favourable to me due to the contents of both. I also politely pointed out that my ex often accuses me of things which she does herself (I go away ALL the time apparently, but in the same breath she has just asked if I can have them for 10 days in October while she goes away). I said I have no issue with her going away, but she needs to hold herself to the same standard if it's a problem that I went away (for 4 days for my birthday last year!).
My CAFCASS officer was grateful for the context I provided. I think it helps and shows however that from the start I have been very clear and consistent in saying I want the issue for my oldest to be sorted out and I do not want him to have a strained relationship with his Mum. During the appointment today I was very much told that I shouldn't be worried as it was clear to her I have been trying to resolve the issue, and that she does not see any concerns about my ability to parent and so on. If anything, I think my ex should now be concerned as I have also engaged with other recommendations such as the parenting course, and I did the CAFCASS parenting plan which she has not even responded to. The officer also mentioned my oldest son's concerns about being further away from school and friends when with her. She is speaking to their Mum next week, and then returning to my home on the 2nd September to help my son draft a letter to court as he wants to express his wishes.
My takeaways from this experience so far:
Happy to divulge more and answer any questions if it helps anyone else.
Background:
- Three boys aged between 7-12 which we have split time 50/50 since we separated in 2021
- Since November 2023 my 12 year old has expressed a desire to run away from his Mum due to her behaviour towards him and him disliking her partner
- I tried to talk to his Mum to resolve, offered mediation which she agreed to and I paid for only for her to then refuse. Mediation offered 5 times before I made the application for child arrangements order
- Kept notes every time my son spoke to me (verbal and emotional abuse - saying he is a liar, i'm putting him up to this, etc)
- I applied for the Child Arrangements Order in February after my son showed me a recording of his Mum really shouting and swearing at him in front of his brothers
Had my initial visit from CAFCASS a few weeks ago - it was a brief visit to see me and the kids at home and to introduce herself, and she did the same with their Mum a few days prior. Whilst with me she asked if she could speak to the children which I was fine with too. My oldest expressed some concerns but not all. I was able to have a chat with her briefly after as well and explain i've been bombarded with false allegations from the start but I can evidence these as being nonsense.
In between that and my appointment today, I sent through the notes I had kept during this time and made clear these were typed down as my son had told me and were not me speculating. I also sent two other things - one was a previous exchange of messages between us about my oldest about 18 months ago as he was "playing up" for her then, and again you can see by my response i'm trying to help and I don't want him to have a stressed relationship with Mum. The other is a message she sent me about her mental health and needing some days off and would I watch the kids - this was shared to show that I did not use that against her and I looked after them (one of her allegations is I have depression and threatened to kill myself in front of them all when she ended the relationship with me
). As part of that we were ordered to provide GP letters which I believe are favourable to me due to the contents of both. I also politely pointed out that my ex often accuses me of things which she does herself (I go away ALL the time apparently, but in the same breath she has just asked if I can have them for 10 days in October while she goes away). I said I have no issue with her going away, but she needs to hold herself to the same standard if it's a problem that I went away (for 4 days for my birthday last year!).My CAFCASS officer was grateful for the context I provided. I think it helps and shows however that from the start I have been very clear and consistent in saying I want the issue for my oldest to be sorted out and I do not want him to have a strained relationship with his Mum. During the appointment today I was very much told that I shouldn't be worried as it was clear to her I have been trying to resolve the issue, and that she does not see any concerns about my ability to parent and so on. If anything, I think my ex should now be concerned as I have also engaged with other recommendations such as the parenting course, and I did the CAFCASS parenting plan which she has not even responded to. The officer also mentioned my oldest son's concerns about being further away from school and friends when with her. She is speaking to their Mum next week, and then returning to my home on the 2nd September to help my son draft a letter to court as he wants to express his wishes.
My takeaways from this experience so far:
- Be polite to CAFCASS. They see names and allegations and don't know us. I believe if I allowed myself to get worked up and in some way direct that at CAFCASS, it just adds legitimacy to those claims no matter how untrue they are.
- Keep notes - it's tiring and monotonous, but I can refer back to anything now with ease. Just a simple date, time, and summary in order goes a long way.
- Don't rise to your ex's communications or provocations. My responses are "Polite and Business-like". If you feel angry at a message, don't respond immediately and calm down. Then look at the message for any relevant points about the children and then respond in a polite manner. You're being polite for your children and not her, take the emotion out of any replies.
- Be consistent. I've been clear and consistent from the start that my preference is for my son to resolve these issues with his Mum. This is all last resort as she has not engaged with any type of mediation i've offered etc.
Happy to divulge more and answer any questions if it helps anyone else.
