So my ex has just accused me of ruining another family holiday on social media and called me some horrible names and accused me of psychological abuse to my kids, this wad seen by 1 of my older children. What do I do with it? Is it relevant? Is it evidence of anything? Is it worth mentioning or keeping as evidence? Thanks
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- Thread starter SJP
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So it's a strange one, I have my daughter living with me and she has our son, when we split after she introduced a third party into the relationship my daughter refused to go back to her as she brought him to their home just a couple of weeks after we split, she has physically attacked me infront of our kids and is a heavy drink drug user, kids don't know about the drugs, anyway I put in a c100 and she responded with her own along with a load of false allegations against me of abuse and drink and drug misuse etc. Went to first hearing and she dropped the non mol she had against me and was only concerned about getting permission to take both kids on a holiday we had booked together before separating,. She witheld my son for 2 months but I now see him overnight every Friday and daughter sees her on a Saturday for 3 hours which has to be supervised by her Dad, my daughter still doesn't want to see her but accepts it, we're back in court next week for which is now going to decide if we need an s7 doing. She's told my son some horrible things about me which are untrue and now she's put on social media that I've ruined another family holiday and that it's psychological abuse to my kids aswell as calling me some horrible names and saying I've done it as she won't get back with me, which again is untrue, I have never tried to take her back nor do I want to
Completely relevant. Screen shot as evidence. But don't react until you've had time to take in the implications.
People need to realise that this sort of thing could constitute as criminal offences under the Malicious Communications Act 1988 and Section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015 which provides for the offence of controlling or coercive behaviour, where the perpetrator and the victim are personally connected. Under the current legislation personally connected means intimate partners, or former intimate partners or family members who live together.
Coercive control is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim. Mental abuse law is wrapped up within.
False and damaging statements made public on social media about an individual constitute libel in writing since they defame a persons reputation so you can sue for damages in the civil courts if those actions have caused you emotional harm, damage to your professional reputation, damaged your character or put you at risk of wrongful prosecution. (She's accusing you of psychological abuse which is ironic given the context).
This sort of thing needs nipping in the bud early with a Cease and Desist letter advising that if this does not stop (i.e. malicious falsehoods via Facebook etc) within a specific time frame, legal action will be considered.
It's really not on.
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Thanks, I didn't realise it was actually illegal to do this, she did it throughout our marriage usually every time we fell out, thing is, she hasn't named me, but it's perfectly clear that it's me she's talking about. Does that make a difference? Should I be telling my solicitor about this or see what happens at court next week. I need to try and get more time with my son but I know if I rock the boat she will deny any more time with him. She's already using him to blackmail me saying if this doesn't happen then there will be no contact this week, she sent that to my solicitor via email so it's recorded
I would think most of the UK’s 45 million social media users are not aware that they are legally responsible for what they do online. You can be sued for posting something online that is not true or for sharing a false post made by someone else. There has been a significant increase in the number of legal claims for defamation or libel being made in recent years as a result of thoughtless social media posts. This belief that your'e safe behind a keyboard as you don't have to look the person you're slandering in the eye couldn't be further from the truth.
The parent of a former pupil at a school in London was ordered to pay £95,000 in damages after posting a series of false allegations that the headmistress of the school was a bully who'd inflicted psychological damage on her pupils, causing parents to regret their school choice. This parent didn't know the law and didn't think they would take that kind of action.
For legal action to be taken against you for something you post online, you must have written something that is untrue which has caused or is likely to cause the other person serious reputational harm. It doesn't matter that you haven't named the person you're attacking. If they can be identified from the post, then you could find yourself staring at a court summons. It is also irrelevant that you did not intend to cause the person any harm in your defence.
Facebook has a dedicated e-form that can be filled in to report defamation if that's the platform where the attack has taken place https://www.facebook.com/help/3894625317215414 but from my own experience of being attacked on Facebook by my own ex, they don't act on your behalf. Calling the police was my next step as I had been threatened with physical violence in posts as well and it was the police who advised me that it was an offence under the Malicious Communications Act to threaten someone on social media. But they did nothing other than contact my ex and asked her to stop. She didn't take that advice as almost immediately she posted on Facebook that I had called the police on her.
I only really got things to stop after speaking to a friend who's a former commercial legal consultant. She advised the Cease and Desist letter as this usually has the desired effect when an organisation is trying to undermine another with false information, and it worked, she has stopped.
People who use Facebook to damage the good reputation of a decent person whilst painting themselves as the victim are the worst kind of narcissists.
A narcissist that claims to be suffering the effects of narcissism from the person they are abusing!
Tell your solicitor that this is happening and see what they advise. It is frustrating and testament to a failed system that you have to carefully consider reporting being abused online for fear of being seen as a conflict maker during the family court process. You should not have to stand for it or suffer it.
And she's still dictating contact and using that to blackmail and deter you? Hopefully next weeks hearing starts to change that and gives you some positivity.
The parent of a former pupil at a school in London was ordered to pay £95,000 in damages after posting a series of false allegations that the headmistress of the school was a bully who'd inflicted psychological damage on her pupils, causing parents to regret their school choice. This parent didn't know the law and didn't think they would take that kind of action.
For legal action to be taken against you for something you post online, you must have written something that is untrue which has caused or is likely to cause the other person serious reputational harm. It doesn't matter that you haven't named the person you're attacking. If they can be identified from the post, then you could find yourself staring at a court summons. It is also irrelevant that you did not intend to cause the person any harm in your defence.
Facebook has a dedicated e-form that can be filled in to report defamation if that's the platform where the attack has taken place https://www.facebook.com/help/3894625317215414 but from my own experience of being attacked on Facebook by my own ex, they don't act on your behalf. Calling the police was my next step as I had been threatened with physical violence in posts as well and it was the police who advised me that it was an offence under the Malicious Communications Act to threaten someone on social media. But they did nothing other than contact my ex and asked her to stop. She didn't take that advice as almost immediately she posted on Facebook that I had called the police on her.
I only really got things to stop after speaking to a friend who's a former commercial legal consultant. She advised the Cease and Desist letter as this usually has the desired effect when an organisation is trying to undermine another with false information, and it worked, she has stopped.
People who use Facebook to damage the good reputation of a decent person whilst painting themselves as the victim are the worst kind of narcissists.
A narcissist that claims to be suffering the effects of narcissism from the person they are abusing!
Tell your solicitor that this is happening and see what they advise. It is frustrating and testament to a failed system that you have to carefully consider reporting being abused online for fear of being seen as a conflict maker during the family court process. You should not have to stand for it or suffer it.
And she's still dictating contact and using that to blackmail and deter you? Hopefully next weeks hearing starts to change that and gives you some positivity.
Thanks for the advice. Like I said, she's done this before while we were together quite a few times. You're right about the narcissism. She called me that a few times during our last few months together so I went and researched it and guess who it described to a tee! I couldn't believe what I was reading, it was as if it had all been written about her and suddenly everything I'd been through started to make sense. I realised just exactly what was going on and what I could expect going forward, it's all happening, jumping straight into a new relationship, slandering me trying to get other people to dislike me making some very big false accusations about me and even using the kids to get her own way. It's a nightmare. Even today, she's had my daughter call me when she's on her 3 hour weekly visit with her to ask if she could stay longer which I told her not to do through my solicitor last week as its not fair on the kids but it's happened again, she's getting my daughter to call me and ask so that if I say no then I'm the bad one, she really thinks it's me stopping my daughter from seeing her bur it isn't, it's my daughters choice, she's only agreed to stay later today as she's been told they're going yo do something she enjoys, but again it's all about control for the Mother, I'm now having to wait an extra hour before I can do what I was going to do. She still refuses to let my son stay longer though even though she knows he wants to. But I'm the one who is causing psychological damage. It was on Snapchat if that matters. I could send it to you to see what you think if you don't mind? As long as you don't mind the language
It all sounds very familiar. Very manipulative. Using the kids to score points against you and using social media to gain attention and earn sympathy while undermining your position and damage your confidence.
Like me, you're in a tough situation while this is all going on in parallel with the Child Arrangements Order process. Do you take it for the sake of maintaining a position of non-conflict to appease the family courts Rose tinted view of parental disputes, but sacrifice your right to not be harassed and abused, or do you act and risk having that used against you?
She sounds very similar to my ex whose typical pattern of behaviour is to cause trouble with people with subtle pokes of the Bee's nest, spreading rumours, telling lies, dividing and conquering people, to a point the person she's targeted gets angry and retaliates and then she uses that persons often justified frustration to claim she is being attacked and is the victim of that persons "abusive behaviour." She does this to people who she identifies as happy in an attempt to ruin their happiness. Her motives are because she is deeply unhappy and making others feel like her is a satisfaction drug she can't get enough of. I don't know what you call these people. Gaslighters. Vulnerable Narcissists as opposed to traditional Grandiose Narcissists, a Victim Mentality are common buzzwords. Of course I am a target now because I'm getting on with my life and trying to be happy and the only weapon she has to ruin that and bring me level with her is by using my son.
The idea of the victim mentality is thrown around a lot in casual conversation to refer to people who seem to wallow in negativity and force it upon others. It’s not a formal medical term. Most health professionals avoid it due to the stigma surrounding it. People who feel trapped in a state of victimisation often express a lot of negativity, but it’s important to realise significant underlying pain and distress often fuel this mindset. And that is definitely the case for my ex who is a product of the 1980's foster care system.
I have thought long and hard about way's to address her personality issues in my case. But where will it get me? This is a very complex area that requires the sharpest of minds to understand the thoughts and behaviour of a damaged one. And the position of the courts are, if a parent can still meet a child's basic needs they are happy to leave them in their care. So where does pointing this behaviour out to the court as the root cause of the conflict really get you?
If we are the rational ones, we seem to be expected to turn a blind eye and just suck it up. My other solution to tackling malicious falsehoods on social media was to ask for a Non Molestation Order. But will that add more complexity to an already drawn out CAO process that you just want to be over!
I can imagine what the Snapchat posts look like but happy to look. I have an inch thick wad of text print outs' in my court folder where the language is all C's and F's.
The 3 hour weekly arrangement you have is being abused in order to undermine you. Emotional blackmail the weapon used to shake your resolve. That needs nipping in the bud really.
We might not be able to address personality issues but tackling manipulation with common sense and steadfast wisdom is within our gift. And the longer she gets away with that the longer her games get air time.
https://www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/har/harassment-on-social-media/
Like me, you're in a tough situation while this is all going on in parallel with the Child Arrangements Order process. Do you take it for the sake of maintaining a position of non-conflict to appease the family courts Rose tinted view of parental disputes, but sacrifice your right to not be harassed and abused, or do you act and risk having that used against you?
She sounds very similar to my ex whose typical pattern of behaviour is to cause trouble with people with subtle pokes of the Bee's nest, spreading rumours, telling lies, dividing and conquering people, to a point the person she's targeted gets angry and retaliates and then she uses that persons often justified frustration to claim she is being attacked and is the victim of that persons "abusive behaviour." She does this to people who she identifies as happy in an attempt to ruin their happiness. Her motives are because she is deeply unhappy and making others feel like her is a satisfaction drug she can't get enough of. I don't know what you call these people. Gaslighters. Vulnerable Narcissists as opposed to traditional Grandiose Narcissists, a Victim Mentality are common buzzwords. Of course I am a target now because I'm getting on with my life and trying to be happy and the only weapon she has to ruin that and bring me level with her is by using my son.
The idea of the victim mentality is thrown around a lot in casual conversation to refer to people who seem to wallow in negativity and force it upon others. It’s not a formal medical term. Most health professionals avoid it due to the stigma surrounding it. People who feel trapped in a state of victimisation often express a lot of negativity, but it’s important to realise significant underlying pain and distress often fuel this mindset. And that is definitely the case for my ex who is a product of the 1980's foster care system.
I have thought long and hard about way's to address her personality issues in my case. But where will it get me? This is a very complex area that requires the sharpest of minds to understand the thoughts and behaviour of a damaged one. And the position of the courts are, if a parent can still meet a child's basic needs they are happy to leave them in their care. So where does pointing this behaviour out to the court as the root cause of the conflict really get you?
If we are the rational ones, we seem to be expected to turn a blind eye and just suck it up. My other solution to tackling malicious falsehoods on social media was to ask for a Non Molestation Order. But will that add more complexity to an already drawn out CAO process that you just want to be over!
I can imagine what the Snapchat posts look like but happy to look. I have an inch thick wad of text print outs' in my court folder where the language is all C's and F's.
The 3 hour weekly arrangement you have is being abused in order to undermine you. Emotional blackmail the weapon used to shake your resolve. That needs nipping in the bud really.
We might not be able to address personality issues but tackling manipulation with common sense and steadfast wisdom is within our gift. And the longer she gets away with that the longer her games get air time.
https://www.met.police.uk/advice/advice-and-information/har/harassment-on-social-media/
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Thats the thing that really gets to me, they can do whatever they want and it's fine but if we even complain about it it's classed as hostility. I know that If I don't get an order she'll manipulate my contact with the children and use them to get her own way she always has and always will. Every week she's tried to persuade my daughter to stay linger but she's always declined until today, that will be a win in her eyes. I've no doubt she'll use it in court next week, I was promised extra time with my son because of time lost when he was on holiday but there's always an excuse or it just gets ignored. To be honest, I don't really care what her 'friends' think of me or how she portrays me, the more sensible ones know that the things she's accusing me of aren't true as I've spoken to some of them. She won't be happy about that either as she'll know I've spoken to them. I really think that she regrets what she's done now and is realising what she's lost and she can see I'm not running after her anymore or begging her to come back, she's lost control of me now so she's trying to blacken my name. I'll send over the post, would be nice to get another opinion on it. Thanks
Ultimately she will lose all her manipulative power over you once an order is in place so maybe join my mantra and keeping your head down and trying to get through each hearing with the hope things go in your favour against her disruption. Although, from speaking to other blokes who have completed the court process, and on here, it can result in either the complete end of contact disruption and you're left to have your children in peace or they continue to exploit the legal gaps (no significant punishment for defying an order) and cause you continued problems.
I'll check messages after I've been to the shop. Need comfort food!!
I'll check messages after I've been to the shop. Need comfort food!!
Thats exactly what I'm worried about, I can't see her sticking to any order that might be given as its all about her wants and needs. Maybe one day I'll have enough to go for full residency and for her to spend time with the kids, I'm sure the kids when old enough will want to live with me, even more so if she doesn't change or she gets worse
And therein lies the core answer to dealing with the endless crap (polite and overarching description!).
Our children at all ages are astute, and develop awareness, without any influence. What is right and desirable and what is wrong and unpalatable are very straightforward to them.
Contine always to place children first and the rest should generally sort itself out over time.
SS.
Totally agree, my daughter is old enough to see what her mother does is wrong but my son who is nearly 3 years younger doesn't see anything wrong yet as her lifestyle is all he remembers so thinks its completely normal. He isn't being treated the same as my daughter was, yet. I live in hope.
So a pretty appalling use of Social Media there which not only has the potential to seriously damage your reputation, cause significant emotional harm to you and your children if they can also view the content but clearly shows a very worrying disregard for your very existence!!
Asking your solicitors advice regarding serving her with a Cease and Desist letter to try and stop this behaviour as its not acceptable.
Asking your solicitors advice regarding serving her with a Cease and Desist letter to try and stop this behaviour as its not acceptable.
I totally agree, it was one of my older daughters who came across it and it really upset her, she's only 16.
I think you're right about showing my solicitor and taking advice, at least if it was brought to her attention then it might make her think twice about doing it again, but I doubt it.
Definitely screen shot it and print it out. File it in a big lever arch folder with any other bits of evidence you sort along the way. You'll need it later.
Whatever you do - don't respond online. But contact FB, report it as malicious and tell them to take it down.
There was a case where an ex was sent to prison for wrecking her ex bf's life by posting lies and allegations about him on social media. Because it's there for the whole world to see and can ruin careers and reputations.
Once you've asked FB to take it down, make a diary note of what has happened as well. That can also be evidence later. Eg that you reported it as malicious and asked FB to remove it.
If FB don't remove it then consider going to the Police and ask them to charge her under the malicious communications thing.
I think though, if you're mid court case, it might be better to just get it taken down (after screenshotting it). You might need to keep an eye on her social media though as she might just carry on doing it somewhere else - Instagram, Twitter etc.
Aside from anything else, the court was involved with these decisions so posting something like that online would not be seen as acceptable by the family court when an interim order was in place regarding all this.
Whatever you do - don't respond online. But contact FB, report it as malicious and tell them to take it down.
There was a case where an ex was sent to prison for wrecking her ex bf's life by posting lies and allegations about him on social media. Because it's there for the whole world to see and can ruin careers and reputations.
Once you've asked FB to take it down, make a diary note of what has happened as well. That can also be evidence later. Eg that you reported it as malicious and asked FB to remove it.
If FB don't remove it then consider going to the Police and ask them to charge her under the malicious communications thing.
I think though, if you're mid court case, it might be better to just get it taken down (after screenshotting it). You might need to keep an eye on her social media though as she might just carry on doing it somewhere else - Instagram, Twitter etc.
Aside from anything else, the court was involved with these decisions so posting something like that online would not be seen as acceptable by the family court when an interim order was in place regarding all this.
I've got it screen spotted, it was one of my older daughters who seen it it it really upset her. It was on Snapchat not fb, I've blocked all of her social media so couldn't retaliate online even if I wanted to, what I understand is that Snapchat posts are only visible for 24 hours so it's probably gone now. We're back in court on Thursday when I'm hoping to negotiate more time with my boy and I'm sure she's going to do the same with my daughter. We've gone from blackmail last week on our sons birthday to this now. I'll send it to you so you can judge the content for yourself, it's disgusting to be honest