Results and lessons learned

[lightinthetunnel]

- Separated amicably with ex
- Ex wanted me to have child the majority of the time but I didn't want our child wondering where mother has gone and kept to weekends (biggest regret)
- Ex gets a solicitor, filed for CMS and financial proceedings
- Ex cuts contact with false allegations
- No contact for 5 months and £20k spent on solicitors
- Went against solicitor advice and went into a contact centre to see child
- Ex runs out of money
- Cafcass side with mother but allow unsupervised access immediately
- Cafcass recommendation stay with mother majority of time due to status quo
- acquired barrister that spent more time conning me than anything productive
- negotiate lives with both order

Lesson learnt is that went ex cutted contact with false allegations I should have picked our child out from school and cut contact back. At this point it is either one parent or the other. Ethically I couldn't do it but in hindsight if I was less emotional and had more courage the hostility between sides card would have meant our child stays with me the stable child focused one. There's obvious risk of NMO but if you have done nothing wrong then the risk imo is worth it.

My solicitor and barrister both ripped me off and I got more than the spends with time order both offered for free.

Lots of rules/laws get broken in family court with no repercussions. It's why acting with integrity against a vicious/self centered ex makes it difficult to see your child. Status quo overides most arguments. Most men/NRP are advised to file c100 without any contact to their child thereby creating the status quo in RPs favour. At this point it's very hard to achieve anything more than 50/50. If you get stuck Infront of magistrates the cafcass officer (with next to nil psychology training) in effect becomes the judge. It is very easy for a charming vindictive mother to manipulate the cafcass officer as this happened to me on 4 occasions.

I wish everyone all the best. If you're in a situation where RP removes child from school/stops contact/makes false allegations please don't expect there to be any repercussions. You need to think and act quickly. It's key to avoid a solicitor.

 

[Peanut 21]

Sounds so familiar.

 

[Jumper85]

So annoying to hear how often CAFCASS simply go with status quo when the mother restricts access. Infuriating.

I think you've hit the nail on the head though with this statement, "Lesson learnt is that went ex cutted contact with false allegations I should have picked our child out from school and cut contact back. At this point it is either one parent or the other. Ethically I couldn't do it but in hindsight if I was less emotional and had more courage the hostility between sides card would have meant our child stays with me the stable child focused one."

This was the first thing and best thing I did was to take the children away from the mother. She was unstable, untrustworthy and many people knew the children were better/safer in my care at that time. I think children both need a mother and father in their lives in equal measures but that's not fairly achievable going by the book sometimes is the harsh reality. Call me controversial, but I've been through the process and read far too familiar stories daily on here and from friends.

 

[lightinthetunnel]

So annoying to hear how often CAFCASS simply go with status quo when the mother restricts access. Infuriating.

I think you've hit the nail on the head though with this statement, "Lesson learnt is that went ex cutted contact with false allegations I should have picked our child out from school and cut contact back. At this point it is either one parent or the other. Ethically I couldn't do it but in hindsight if I was less emotional and had more courage the hostility between sides card would have meant our child stays with me the stable child focused one."

This was the first thing and best thing I did was to take the children away from the mother. She was unstable, untrustworthy and many people knew the children were better/safer in my care at that time. I think children both need a mother and father in their lives in equal measures but that's not fairly achievable going by the book sometimes is the harsh reality. Call me controversial, but I've been through the process and read far too familiar stories daily on here and from friends.

You are smart and it sounds like you did the right thing. I asked 3 'top' solicitors and Facebook free advice groups and the advice was wrong with phrases like 'work with thr system' 'what she has done won't look good in court' 'the judge may raise an eyebrow and it will work in your favour.'

I regret not having the courage to make the move to cut contact back. If more men did it back then there will be uproar from feminists. The court shouldn't emphasise so much on status quo but the status quo decides the fate of most cases.

Thankfully I cut my legal team off before more damage was done. Anyone in similar position and you feel you can be the better parent and you're at risk of the other cutting contact then you may need to do something against your morales otherwise you could end up restricted contact, attending contact centre for no reason, paying CMS where most money is spent by ex on theirselves and risk losing assets/pensions if you're married.

 

[Ash]

I agree with you about not wasting money on Solicitors. Sounds like you were unlucky with the barrister though - some are really good and helpful but they do need to be on the same page as you and fighting your corner.

I'm not sure it is good actually, to keep the child - there have been stories of Dads who have done that and the end result being they never saw their kids again as their actions were seen to be harmful to the child by the court. And of course the Mother would call the police and tell them child was in danger and they'd act accordingly and take the child back - because they tend to listen to distressed women. And all the ex then needs to do is get an ex parte NMO.

Obviously this is unfair and it's not looked at the same if a Mother keeps the children away from the other parent. As men we are always suspected of being dangerous if an ex says we are. So that all needs to be gone through and dismissed.

How did you get your shared care order then without any lawyers? On your own?

 

[Peanut 21]

the advice was wrong with phrases like 'work with thr system' 'what she has done won't look good in court' 'the judge may raise an eyebrow and it will work in your favour.

I wholeheartedly agree with this.
People who have never experienced family court wrongly say "Don't worry, the judge will see she's a nutter" and other nonsense.
My partner was waiting for years for everyone involved in his case to see what his ex was doing. The cafcass officer clocked on but after another so called expert got involved she had to back off.
Sadly not all vindictive mothers get caught out.

 

[Militant Widow]

Lots of rules/laws get broken in family court with no repercussions. It's why acting with integrity against a vicious/self centered ex makes it difficult to see your child. Status quo overides most arguments. Most men/NRP are advised to file c100 without any contact to their child thereby creating the status quo in RPs favour. At this point it's very hard to achieve anything more than 50/50. If you get stuck Infront of magistrates the cafcass officer (with next to nil psychology training) in effect becomes the judge. It is very easy for a charming vindictive mother to manipulate the cafcass officer as this happened to me on 4 occasions.

I wish everyone all the best. If you're in a situation where RP removes child from school/stops contact/makes false allegations please don't expect there to be any repercussions. You need to think and act quickly. It's key to avoid a solicitor.

The points you make about Cafcass are significantly important to anyone going through the process, there is no limit to the depths they'll stoop to to undermine you if they don't "like" you. It's even possible to be too "intellectual" to be a father, according to them, and the judge can just copy and paste their statements into the judgement...easy money!!

 

[lightinthetunnel]

The points you make about Cafcass are significantly important to anyone going through the process, there is no limit to the depths they'll stoop to to undermine you if they don't "like" you. It's even possible to be too "intellectual" to be a father, according to them, and the judge can just copy and paste their statements into the judgement...easy money!!

This was true in my case. I have a high flying job and cafcass looked like they enjoyed reducing my time with our child to as much as possible. Social workers in the NHS are very different to cafcass. They seek help from nurses, doctors and others in their multi disciplinary team meetings. Family court have cafcass that are a law to themselves. The key point is if your ex shows narcissistic tendencies and there's a significant risk they may stop contact then you may have to do the same before they do it and file a c100. Net result is you'll get 50/50 aslong as you haven't been abusive/reacted to abusive negatively that may lead to a molestation order. Good luck all. I certainly wouldn't recommend trusting the process. If you're after a spends with time EOW set up that's easy but anything more against a vindictive mother becomes either difficult or puts you in an ethical dilemma

 

[Militant Widow]

Net result is you'll get 50/50 aslong as you haven't been abusive/reacted to abusive negatively that may lead to a molestation order.

Yes, you have to be an expert at biting your tongue if you're subject to abuse, and in my case a Non Molestation Order wasn't the theshold required.

Good luck all. I certainly wouldn't recommend trusting the process. If you're after a spends with time EOW set up that's easy but anything more against a vindictive mother becomes either difficult or puts you in an ethical dilemma

Definitely echo not trusting the process, it's a racket. You also risk losing your sanity that you might never recover if you expect fairness as a parent. The system is quick to judge you also, but doesn't want to help or support you.

 

[Nujra Rof]

Really worried reading these posts. I filled a c100 and urgent interim without notice order to stop soon to be ex wife from taking the kids from our family home (we live together, married and have two children aged 2 and 4). She has made threats before and after I filed for divorce of taking kids, when this is there home and clearly not in there best interest to leave!

HERE IS THE KICKER - judge granted a with notice urgent hearing for interim order end of Jan. She has alluded to the fact that she could take the kids one day before the hearing and I’m screwed as she will become resident parent and good luck seeing them - more threats!

I have a very nervous Christmas, new years and January coming up that she don’t leave with the kids. Yes I can take them back from school if she takes them but no idea where that leads to, does she go even earlier the next day and take them or what……worried I will end up in similar situation to yourself as am too nice (& normal)

 

[lunico93x]

Try to remain calm. Some - few - judges are as bad as many think. Most judges are just trying to find the middle ground most of the time, and the concept of "mother creating a new status quo immediately" doesn't necessarily apply. More than one judge I've been in front of has mentioned "holding the ring" (i.e. keeping the status quo where it was before proceedings started even if you're months in and the mother's moved homes etc etc.

If you ever see a judge try to support "the new status quo" you or your barrister have to point out that, no, the status quo is what it was before, not what she has created since.