Hello All
I wanted to share my experiences of the Final Hearing yesterday.
I was seeking 50/50 shared arrangements with my ex of my teenage boy.
Allegations from her were:
domestic abuse
controlling behaviour
alcohol and drugs
(sound familiar?)
Cafacass S7 was a horror show, essentially backing up what had been accussed with reported incidents, anecdotal evidence, and general "impressions" she had of me.
recommended:
Child Arrangements Order (live with) mother
Child Arrangements Order (spend time with) for me
8 overnights a month
In the report were mentioned "power imbalance" "pattern of controlling behaviour" "evidence base suggesting abuse"
I spent a good month unpicking the report, asking questions on this forum, spoke to Families Need Fathers, and asked around.
Yesterday in Croydon family court, I arrived way too early and while pacing up and down in a corridor realised I had sweated so much I had to find the toilets and dry my shirt out on a hand dryer.
The ex, as a lawyer friend predicted, "played dirty" and didnt send me her Statement until 1 hour before the hearing. The Judge hadnt read it so we had to have a break before we started so we could all read it. As my lawyer friend said, playing dirty might piss off the judge (it didnt) but it makes ZERO difference to the judgement, that is deciding the best thing for the child. I had sent her mine the day before, so she had stalled until receiving it then responded in her own statement - sneaky.
Before the hearing Cafcass got us together to see if we could compromise. I had read, and been told, that compromise was the best hope, so I had a mental plan of where I would go to if needing to negotiate. The ex stuck firmly to her demands and refused to compromise
I had about 20 questions for Cafcass and I was careful to not sound "controlling and coersive" while doing it, but they were good questions and showed that she had no evidence.....cant go into the boring detail here but keeping them to yes / no questions helped a lot.
I made sure the judge could see that I was always child focused - in his summing up he said he saw no evidence to conclude there was abuse, and complimented me by saying that I had shown concern for the child and had been willing to compromise.
In the call Cafcass made with my child he said he only wanted 8 nights a month - but then he called Cafcass later on to change his mind and wanted 50 /50. The Judge (and Cafcass) both gave this later call attention, and considered it as valuable and reliable as what he said in the interview - I was at pains to show that although yes he might have been influended by me in calling, he may also have been influenced by his mother.
Judgement made:
Shared Lives With Order for BOTH parents
12 overnights.
50 / 50 of all holidays.
I am thrilled with this decision as it means that I have a 40% share of him during term times. This also means that adding the shared holidays means I wont have to pay the ex any more "child support" money.
If anyone is in doubt about LIP - just write everything out and stick to your plans and follow your process. The judge was very patient with me and I am so very very glad I didnt spend the £5k I was quoted for a barrister.
It is with enornous relief that I can now close this, I feel like a massive weight has been lifted and I urge anyone out there, overwhelmed by the forces of The Ex and Cafcass, to stick to your guns. I was told over and over that it was "unlikely" the judge would not follow Cafcass recommendations, but he saw through the lies and I think appreciated my attitude and willingness to negotiate.
I also have to add here - I got some stinking advise from Families Need Fathers, and speaking to them only made my worries grow, and I wish I hadnt bothered talking to them.
D
I wanted to share my experiences of the Final Hearing yesterday.
I was seeking 50/50 shared arrangements with my ex of my teenage boy.
Allegations from her were:
domestic abuse
controlling behaviour
alcohol and drugs
(sound familiar?)
Cafacass S7 was a horror show, essentially backing up what had been accussed with reported incidents, anecdotal evidence, and general "impressions" she had of me.
recommended:
Child Arrangements Order (live with) mother
Child Arrangements Order (spend time with) for me
8 overnights a month
In the report were mentioned "power imbalance" "pattern of controlling behaviour" "evidence base suggesting abuse"
I spent a good month unpicking the report, asking questions on this forum, spoke to Families Need Fathers, and asked around.
Yesterday in Croydon family court, I arrived way too early and while pacing up and down in a corridor realised I had sweated so much I had to find the toilets and dry my shirt out on a hand dryer.
The ex, as a lawyer friend predicted, "played dirty" and didnt send me her Statement until 1 hour before the hearing. The Judge hadnt read it so we had to have a break before we started so we could all read it. As my lawyer friend said, playing dirty might piss off the judge (it didnt) but it makes ZERO difference to the judgement, that is deciding the best thing for the child. I had sent her mine the day before, so she had stalled until receiving it then responded in her own statement - sneaky.
Before the hearing Cafcass got us together to see if we could compromise. I had read, and been told, that compromise was the best hope, so I had a mental plan of where I would go to if needing to negotiate. The ex stuck firmly to her demands and refused to compromise
I had about 20 questions for Cafcass and I was careful to not sound "controlling and coersive" while doing it, but they were good questions and showed that she had no evidence.....cant go into the boring detail here but keeping them to yes / no questions helped a lot.
I made sure the judge could see that I was always child focused - in his summing up he said he saw no evidence to conclude there was abuse, and complimented me by saying that I had shown concern for the child and had been willing to compromise.
In the call Cafcass made with my child he said he only wanted 8 nights a month - but then he called Cafcass later on to change his mind and wanted 50 /50. The Judge (and Cafcass) both gave this later call attention, and considered it as valuable and reliable as what he said in the interview - I was at pains to show that although yes he might have been influended by me in calling, he may also have been influenced by his mother.
Judgement made:
Shared Lives With Order for BOTH parents
12 overnights.
50 / 50 of all holidays.
I am thrilled with this decision as it means that I have a 40% share of him during term times. This also means that adding the shared holidays means I wont have to pay the ex any more "child support" money.
If anyone is in doubt about LIP - just write everything out and stick to your plans and follow your process. The judge was very patient with me and I am so very very glad I didnt spend the £5k I was quoted for a barrister.
It is with enornous relief that I can now close this, I feel like a massive weight has been lifted and I urge anyone out there, overwhelmed by the forces of The Ex and Cafcass, to stick to your guns. I was told over and over that it was "unlikely" the judge would not follow Cafcass recommendations, but he saw through the lies and I think appreciated my attitude and willingness to negotiate.
I also have to add here - I got some stinking advise from Families Need Fathers, and speaking to them only made my worries grow, and I wish I hadnt bothered talking to them.
D
