Responses from your alienated child

[Ghostdad]

Hi All
Having not seen my 11 year old daughter now for 6 months and only having the odd sporadic text I was keen to understand responses others get.

Since introducing my daughter to my new partner, which went really well, my ex is preventing her from seeing me stating she doesn't want to. Whilst initially my daughter spoke a bit on the phone to me she now will hang up if I call on her mobile and will only text me to play computer games... and I never get responses to "love so sweetheart" or "I miss you so much".....

All the best

 

[bujanin]

Hi All
Having not seen my 11 year old daughter now for 6 months and only having the odd sporadic text I was keen to understand responses others get.

Since introducing my daughter to my new partner, which went really well, my ex is preventing her from seeing me stating she doesn't want to. Whilst initially my daughter spoke a bit on the phone to me she now will hang up if I call on her mobile and will only text me to play computer games... and I never get responses to "love so sweetheart" or "I miss you so much".....

All the best

I am not in the same boat as you Ghostdad, I feel for you and your daughter who must be extremely conflicted. It strikes me that the computer games, although maybe seeming a bit superficial, could be the way that she's reaching out to connect with Dad. Maybe gaming will keep you together and help you both to ride this period.

 

[Rachel997]

Hi Ghostdad,
I spoke to my husband about responding here.
It’s been a long time since he has seen them properly. Texts were much more regular and slowly went to not much to now nothing.
He described that it felt that they were completely checked out. Bland in their responses. If he said how much he missed them they would often be blanked and sadly it got to just them asking about money. However, their mobile numbers have been changed and so we don’t have the ability to text anymore. What we do is write them emails and we are also doing little videos of things so that they can see that they were always in our thoughts. These are saved to an email so they can access when they are older.
I’m sorry I don’t come with great news but like bujanin says the computer game thing is a great way to keep that connection. With everything going on it might be really hard for her to speak about things and she may have feelings of guilt (even though nothings her fault) so it may be a passive way of staying connected to you. Keep going and keep letting her know that you are there and that you love and miss her. Even if she’s not responding she will be reading it and it will be remembered what you did and said.

 

[Peanut 21]

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karenwoodall.blog

Great advice by Karen Woodall on communicating with your alienated child.

 

[MagicJ]

I would echo the above, in that you face a difficult situation as an Adult with your experience, let alone for your Daughter.
If you are always available, always connected, she will always have a way back to you that is ready & willing.

My children were always on Minecraft or Roblox & getting them to talk on messaging beyond emoji's is difficult.
I decided to join them in the game & with the in-game chat functions it can provide for remote parenting opportunities.

This will never replace the physical connections but it does allow for good engagement.

 

[Ash]

I think it's great she wants to play online games with you and shows initiative on her part. My son has been in similar situations and they try to find ways to circumvent the ex's restrictions. I see this as a big bonus and her way of saying - I DO want to keep contact with you. Just go with it for now. My son, when he was prevented from communicating with me during lockdowns, used to send a link to an app ................... and I could see his videos on there. These kids can be quite savvy about what the ex can and can't see on their phones. An ex can see all texts and phone calls (either by looking at the phone or via a parenting app) but they can't always monitor online gaming sites or certain apps like Snapchat (messages disappear after 10 secs on Snapchat I think, if you set it up that way).

Presumably you can message during the online gaming session? Via the game? Maybe set up a snapchat account (if you don't have one) and send her your snapchat handle via the game.

If this kind of thing comes off, the one thing you can't do is tell the court, Cafcass, or anyone else, that your daughter is secretly communicating with you - that would break her trust and possibly get her into big trouble and the communication be stopped.

 

[Peanut 21]

If this kind of thing comes off, the one thing you can't do is tell the court, Cafcass, or anyone else, that your daughter is secretly communicating with you - that would break her trust and possibly get her into big trouble and the communication be stopped

Agree.
It's nice to have something that has nothing to do with third parties interfering aswell as Ash's reasons.

 

[Ghostdad]

Thank you all. It does sound like maybe it is her way of reaching out knowing that her phone is being monitored, indeed what's app messages are often read (go blue) when she is at school (phones are forbidden), so I'm unsure even whether she gets to read all of my messages or if they get deleted beforehand.

 

[Peanut 21]

Something I've been doing is putting stuff on my update status on WhatsApp and blocked all contacts apart from the kids. If it's viewed it will say if they've looked.
Although as you say, the mother probably looks at it.

 

[Ghostdad]

Thanks I will try that too. I have been leaving notes at school for the teacher to give to her. Again I can never be sure they get read or intercepted but can only hope.