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Refusing indirect contact.

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coggers1980

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Has anyone decided that enough is enough, and refused to be limited to indirect contact?

Briefly, I've been stuck with a weekly phone call since Jan 24, which is essentially a 5 minute pointless phonecall, supervised by maternal grandmother. Mother made baseless allegations on emotional harm, of which there is no evidence.

I'm contemplating refusing to take part in these calls as they are more harmful than good, in the hope that it might move things on. Any advice would be helpful....
 
It's so difficult.

The "supervision" and indirect contact like phone calls were the lowest time for me but, in my opinion, keep them going. Though they might not feel like much it keeps you present on your child's life and I don't think we will ever know how important that brief contact is for them.

Also, strategically, I think it would look bad if you instigated the stopping of it.
 
I agree. Try to detach from ex's Mother being there and just have 100% focus on your child. Smile. Maybe change things a bit - have a toy to dangle and make it child friendly contact rather than chat. How old is your child?
 
She is 10, nearly 11. Says she doesn't want to speak to me or see me, but I'm hoping that's just because she is keeping mum happy. Even Cafcass raised PA as a concern in s7.

However, must be a point at which it becomes pointless, especially if she isn't interested in seeing me. Not helped being stuck to weekly phonecalls either.
 
I declined indirect contact during the pandemic when I couldn’t have supervised. Found out that my son was crying for me every night. In hindsight I would have done it. It was because I didn’t want to see my sons over screen rather than hug in person. In short I was putting my own emotions ahead of my kids.
 
Ok so she's older and talking will be harder work - especially with someone else there. I still think it's important to do it so she knows you're still out there. Even if it ends up being a monologue by you, it's a chance to actually have her hear you and keep that connection.
 
I did some time with only video calls and have done a call every Wednesday since I got my final order. They are hard to make work. I always feel very low after them, ask myself why I do it. But, it is possible to make them work. The trick for me is to let the child do whatever they want to do during the call. Encourage them to do things separate from talking. I also found sending things helpful, cards, things I made, little bric-a-brac style gifts.

If you get the child to say anything and follow up on that, you can make a start. I sometimes watch my kid play Nintendo Switch for 45 minutes, child sets up the phone so I can see the Switch screen and plays. That means I can make noises in response to how it is going, I am a supporter watching Sonic's efforts. Sometimes I encourage the child to watch TV and point the phone at it so we can watch together. Another boring one-sided engagement. It is great though:

"Can you pause a sec, I didn't understand... Can you explain... Do you think she was being fair?"

Mine is a year or so younger than your's and I have had to change techniques as the years pass. Games of any kind are excellent, as is anything creative. I'd think about finding a top 10 list for kids your daughter's age and see if you can get her to tell you what she thinks of it. Say you found it and are trying to discover something she would like. Ask her if the list is all rubbish. If she says it is, ask her if she could make a better one. Anything at all to get discourse going. If you create an environment she can take part in conversation will follow.

I have painted my face, done make up and worn a wig, anything at all to break the monotony.
 
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