re-establishing relationships

[NewcastleBrownAle]

I've not seen anything about this topic, so I'm asking for ideas and suggestions.

I've not seen my child for 6 months, contact was abruptly stopped and there has been alienating behaviour, so will start seeing my child in a contact centre shortly. My child is 5 years old.

Question

What to say ?
how to avoid difficult questions ( where have you been, why did you disappear, etc)

Has anyone been through this, how did you cope ? what worked, what didn't ?

 

[Peanut 21]

The longest my partner went without seeing his son was 7 months. He was 9 at the time and saw his dad again in a contact centre.

His son didn't ask him any questions.
Dad didn't say anything too much.
Distract your child with the toys in the centre and anything you bring.

 

[bujanin]

I've not seen anything about this topic, so I'm asking for ideas and suggestions.

I've not seen my child for 6 months, contact was abruptly stopped and there has been alienating behaviour, so will start seeing my child in a contact centre shortly. My child is 5 years old.

Question

What to say ?
how to avoid difficult questions ( where have you been, why did you disappear, etc)

Has anyone been through this, how did you cope ? what worked, what didn't ?

Kids at this age really epitomise living in the moment don't they. You might be delighted to find that you can roll straight back into any games, rough and tumble anything that you used to play about at. Print some photos off your phone to give the memories of the four years you spent together.
I would plan sessions for the family centre, take pens and paper, balloons, do some yoga take teddy bears or whatever easy as poss.
Don't be surprised if a five year old doesn't ask any q's.
Stoked for you you must be buzzing.

 

[NewcastleBrownAle]

The longest my partner went without seeing his son was 7 months. He was 9 at the time and saw his dad again in a contact centre.

His son didn't ask him any questions.
Dad didn't say anything too much.
Distract your child with the toys in the centre and anything you bring.

The issue for me is two fold.

1. My son is very intelligent, beyond his years (5) and if he decides he wants an answer for something, he won't be deflected, very unusual for this age group I know, but he a forthright lad to say the least.

2. His mother has been systematically brain washing him. So we have gone from him calling and asking me to go and see him ( the last time I saw him), to being scared of me ( so his mother says). Even the brightest child will believe their mother and I've seen what she has done with her other children. So he will no doubt be frightened when I see him.I just need to get past that first 5 minutes and he will melt and be himself.

 

[jacombo]

I've not seen anything about this topic, so I'm asking for ideas and suggestions.

I've not seen my child for 6 months, contact was abruptly stopped and there has been alienating behaviour, so will start seeing my child in a contact centre shortly. My child is 5 years old.

Question

What to say ?
how to avoid difficult questions ( where have you been, why did you disappear, etc)

Has anyone been through this, how did you cope ? what worked, what didn't ?

I think it all depends on the situation. It's not like every child has the same perception of parental relationships and separations. I'm in a situation now where I haven't seen my child for about a year. Well, that's what happened after the divorce. In a week, I'll go to see her and it turns out that I'll be alone with her for a few hours. I bought a jellycat and I'll buy something else and somehow remind her of myself. I don't know how 2-year-olds perceive their parents' divorce and remember things from a younger age when we were together. In short, it's all very complicated. I'm very worried about this.

 

[Resolute]

I've not seen anything about this topic, so I'm asking for ideas and suggestions.

I've not seen my child for 6 months, contact was abruptly stopped and there has been alienating behaviour, so will start seeing my child in a contact centre shortly. My child is 5 years old.

Question

What to say ?
how to avoid difficult questions ( where have you been, why did you disappear, etc)

Has anyone been through this, how did you cope ? what worked, what didn't ?

I have not been through the same situation. The closest I have experienced is when my child was the same age. It was a month with only video calls. Mine is very forthright as well and quick to smell out a lie. I was petrified when we came together again after a month. It turned out to be really easy and natural. Started with enthusiasm and a big hug, during which I shed a sneaky tear or two. From there it was straight on to whatever came to the child's mind.

There have been loads of questions at various times that I could not take head on. My most helpful tool is to say I don't know why that happened, I really do not understand why it has to be that way, it doesn't make sense to me either. The other option, when absolutely necessary, is to say that some conversations are only for adults. I explained to mine a long time ago that I will not tell lies, but there will be times I have to say I cannot answer because it involves things that are only for adults. There are things only adults can do. The child will probably be able to list examples of things they cannot do, e.g. walk to school alone, watch certain films... Some conversations fit into the same category, i.e. not for younger children.

On the brainwashing, I have had that for 4 years now. Often there are parts of the child's direct experience that will conflict with the lies and poison they are being fed. I use these to ask questions that lead the child away from the nonsense. I have found it much better to let my little one find the reasons not to see things how my ex dictates. If I cannot find a way of softly leading to a different perspective on things, I sometimes fall back on saying simply that I do not remember/see it that way. There have even been times when I have responded to the most outrageous lies by saying that is not true.

My ex regularly play extremely dirty. She tells the child outrageous things about me and our situation more generally. The biggest rule I have stuck to is never get down in the dirt with her.