So me and stbx are approaching the first holiday period where, as the relatively new CAO is not specific, we had to agree how the holiday was split equally. We managed an agreement, she gets first week, I get second, starting on the Sunday, ( I get first weekend with them). However, only a few days after agreeing, stbx is trying to dictate a change to the agreement. It would be inconvenient for me to change to what she is now asking for, but it could be done. Part of me is thinking just agree to it for a quiet life, part of me is thinking if I agree, will it send her the message that she is in control and embolden her to carry on dictating and messing me about? If I dig my heals in and insist we stick to the original agreement, what happens if stbx is not at home when I drop the children off on the first Sunday, meaning I have to keep the children into the first week, effectively forcing me into going along with her change to the agreement? Would I be in breech of the CAO if I kept the children on the first Sunday night but returned them as soon as I could there after? Assuming I did manage to return the children somewhere like what we agreed originally, what would happen if stbx then withheld them when I was due to collect them? (Think I know the answer to that last bit - probably f%ck all).
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Potential breach of CAO
- Thread starter Dirge
- Start date
It is difficult to disentangle all of the emotions involved in this stuff, at least it was for me.
If you agree to the arrangement she is asking for, does it set a precedent that works in your favour?
If you disagree, could it set a precedent that works against you?
Ex's can be very clever. If they set can the argument up so your victory favours them, they will. Think carefully. A varied agreement that shows children can be with you for X amount of time without issue, may be better than failure to agree. Conflict will rarely be in your favour.
I would work out what is the bigger prize - things working, or things working to an ideal.
Btw, congrats on getting equal share of the holidays.
If you agree to the arrangement she is asking for, does it set a precedent that works in your favour?
If you disagree, could it set a precedent that works against you?
Ex's can be very clever. If they set can the argument up so your victory favours them, they will. Think carefully. A varied agreement that shows children can be with you for X amount of time without issue, may be better than failure to agree. Conflict will rarely be in your favour.
I would work out what is the bigger prize - things working, or things working to an ideal.
Btw, congrats on getting equal share of the holidays.
Do you have the original agreement in writing? That would help if you end up having to return to court at some point to get holiday weeks clearly defined because she's messing about. For this upcoming holiday though, there isn't a lot you can do to make her keep to the agreement, unless you have something booked. If you have something booked you can apply for an urgent specific issues order and get the original agreed dates ordered and she would have to stick to that. I had to do that a few times and it was a deterrant to her trying to change dates again in future after they'd been agreed. Ultimately though I had to apply to vary the order for defined holiday weeks.
So I would suggest you write to her saying you had already reached an agreement on dates, and you have made plans accordingly and would prefer to keep to the original dates agreed.
See what she comes back with. If she blah blah's then you could reply "On this occasion, I will agree to the changed dates you're now proposing, but in future, can we please stick to agreements as we both have lives to organise."
In other words yes you might have to give way or she'll not let you see the kids. And saying in future please stick to agreements probably won't make much difference, but next time you could consider booking a night away somewhere at the start of your dates - I know that's extreme but it means you could get a specific issues order. Ideally something like a hotel reservation (that you can later cancel if necessary).
It's a lot of messing about until you get defined dates. Easter might not be so bad but if she does this over the summer holidays it could be a nightmare.
So see how May half term goes.
So I would suggest you write to her saying you had already reached an agreement on dates, and you have made plans accordingly and would prefer to keep to the original dates agreed.
See what she comes back with. If she blah blah's then you could reply "On this occasion, I will agree to the changed dates you're now proposing, but in future, can we please stick to agreements as we both have lives to organise."
In other words yes you might have to give way or she'll not let you see the kids. And saying in future please stick to agreements probably won't make much difference, but next time you could consider booking a night away somewhere at the start of your dates - I know that's extreme but it means you could get a specific issues order. Ideally something like a hotel reservation (that you can later cancel if necessary).
It's a lot of messing about until you get defined dates. Easter might not be so bad but if she does this over the summer holidays it could be a nightmare.
So see how May half term goes.
Courts take something agreed in writing seriously. Although it's not enforceable. That's the difference - defined dates are enforceable. However they also expect parents to show flexibility. So if you can change dates, then maybe agree to this time, but point out that in future you wish to keep to agreed dates, and then you're covered re court as you've shown flexibility before.
