Poor communication

[SpaceT]

Apologies if this is in the wrong category.
Advice needed.
I’ve got three kids. Seperated from their mother for nearly two years now. She is growing increasingly narcissistic and controlling. To the point now where she refuses any direct communication, with the threat of reporting me for harassment should I contact her directly, in any form. She is currently either, sending instructions through my mother. Or, sending messages through the children, which I have repeatedly asked her not to do, and it’s at the point where I believe this is having or will have a negative impact on their wellbeing.

I’ve just had a message informing me that the girls have decided they don’t want to come to my house on Boxing Day this year, so that is what is happening, no mention of the rest of Christmas, no discussion. We’ve had a fairly loosely structured pattern for Christmas the last two years.xmas eve and Xmas morning with mum, Xmas afternoon with dad. Xmas night with mum, Boxing Day and the next few days with dad (last Xmas she changed this, at very last minute, because the kids said so)

Has anyone had any experience with similar? Have you been able to de escalate relations to a functioning fair conversation, or is my only option now court to get a fair and consistent arrangement?

 

[Roblox]

Hi

How old are the kids.

How much do you see them at present

 

[Resolute]

Have you been able to de escalate relations to a functioning fair conversation

No, I have not. I have tried and tried, but I do not think there is a way back to civility.

 

[Ash]

I think you need to be careful and not contact her directly in case she does accuse you of harrassment. Obviously you do need to communicate about the kids sometimes but keep it to an absolute minimum and do BIFF messages. (Brief, Informative, Friendly Formal) as if writing to a business colleague. Don't get into arguments by messaging etc or she could try and use it against you and say you're aggressive (even if you're just frustrated by her obstruction).

So in answer to her saying the kids aren't coming on boxing day this year you could send a message saying

"Thank you for letting me know. Please can we arrange alternative Christmas arrangements so the children get to enjoy time with both parents". Nobody could accuse you of harrassment for that and the Police would dismiss it.

Obviously that is still pointless because what she probably means is - I'm cancelling Christmas for you this year. Full stop. But you are going to need to apply to court and so from now on you need to keep all your communications whiter than white and show you are the reasonable child focused one - because these things can be used as evidence later (either for or against you).

You could propose a co parenting app as well which minimises communication (and some have a "tone filter"). But avoid contacting her if at all possible and just put an application into court, stating you would like to reinstate the schedule of time that has been taking place for the past two years and which Mrs Ex has unilaterally changed and she refuses to communicate. In addition she is sending messages via the children which is not in their best interests as it puts them in the middle.

There's sample wording for a C100 application (section 5b) in the legal resources section (top tab above or main menu on mobile).

Before you can do that you need to show you've tried mediation. The legal requirement for applying to court is just to have had a MIAM (first mediation appointment on your own). After you've had that, the mediator invites your ex to mediation. She may decline or she may keep delaying. If that's the case you get signed off mediation and apply to court. However it's best to have your application completed and ready to go before she is invited to mediation (ie before your MIAM) - because she may guess you're thinking of applying to court if she gets invited to mediation.

And could decide to apply first and accuse you of all sorts. It's better to get in first and let her be the respondent. She may still accuse you of all sorts but your application will have been read by then and approved.