One step forward, one step back

[Richie1989]

Just dropped my daughter off after another very successful 3 over night stays and it was quite traumatic. My daughter has been amazing! Such fun times doing loads of stuff! My favourite things being bath time and reading books before sleep time. The things you miss more than anything when you are stripped away of such things.

Anyway, walked up to the door and my ex opened the door expecting our daughter to run in, arms wide open greeting her back. Sadly it didn’t go that way, my daughter refused to let go of me and sobbed just repeating “I want daddy”. It was really tough! I tried to distract her and talk about all the things she will be doing with mummy but she just wouldn’t let go. My ex just went and sat on the bottom of the stairs with her head in her hands. I then went into the hallway and tried to see if coming inside helped. My ex didn’t refuse and she hasn’t done for a while now but she still wouldn’t let go of me. I then told her it’s ok to be sad and said not long and she will be with me again. It’s actually 7 nights now until I see her again but how do you explain that. Eventually my ex came back over and tried again and I kept saying things like look at all your toys etc etc. it was heartbreaking for me! She did eventually go to mummy and I then went to the downstairs toilet to give them a few minutes in hope she would settle. When I cane back out she came running to me again. It was really tough for us both. However, what I did notice was my ex get angrier and angrier. I understand her being upset but not angry. She then tried to walk her to the kitchen but our daughter insisted on waving at me from the window. So I left for in the car and then waved as I went by. I could still see my daughter crying and blowing kisses while my ex watches TV over her shoulder ignoring the situation.

I have come along way and now I am anxious she is somehow going to use this against me. Emotional and psychological abuse I have been accused of before. 6 weeks away from final hearing and now I concerned she will twist things. For some reason i had a feeling something could happen without this situation so I filmed me getting my daughter ready before leaving. Talking about how mummy will be excited to see you, how she can’t wait to play with all the toys with you Santa brought etc etc. I filmed it and thank goodness I did!

So my question is this… if I get some random message tomorrow trying to twist things do I send the video via the parenting app? Or do I ignore it and just add it to my evidence for final hearing?

The thing is my ex has created this! It’s not because doesn’t want to see mummy. Not at all! She’s a great mummy (apart from what’s she’s done to us). I want to just tell her it’s because she hasn’t seen me this much for a long time and she just doesn’t want it to end. They have made their bed. I have always been a very very hands in daddy from day one. Of course my daughter is making the list of the situation. Of course this is a result of what they have done but there is no way on earth I could ever say this or even engage a conversation about this. Tried that before and let’s just say it got twisted in all kind of weird and wonderful ways.

Any advice would be great! It’s definitely triggered me as I know how they work. They are twisted people who lack empathy and understanding of the situation. My ex will never in a million years accept what she has done to us had caused this situation. I have had 6 overnights and I am so worried they will use this against me somehow especially after knowing how desperate she is with hoping I settle before court. Am I just reliving my trauma?

 

[Ash]

I don't think there's any way she can use it against you. You can argue that a week is too long an absence and it's causing your daughter anxiety and to be clingy.

I suggest though that you message your ex, carefully,

How about

"It was upsetting for both of us this evening I think, when xxxxxxxxxx didn't want to go back. Please be assured I think you're a great Mum and I know she loves you. I think it is simply her anxiety at the idea of not seeing me for a whole week. However, maybe we can discuss ways of making transitions between parents easier for her. The holidays will soon be over and I think to and from school will be easier transitions for her".

Do you have school collections and drop offs?

 

[Richie1989]

I don't think there's any way she can use it against you. You can argue that a week is too long an absence and it's causing your daughter anxiety and to be clingy.

I suggest though that you message your ex, carefully,

How about

"It was upsetting for both of us this evening I think, when xxxxxxxxxx didn't want to go back. Please be assured I think you're a great Mum and I know she loves you. I think it is simply her anxiety at the idea of not seeing me for a whole week. However, maybe we can discuss ways of making transitions between parents easier for her. The holidays will soon be over and I think to and from school will be easier transitions for her".

Do you have school collections and drop offs?

I really like that Ash… maybe the bit about being a good mum and know she loves you is a bit to much. Don’t want her to think I am playing games! She will just pick that apart unfortunately. I totally get the sentiment and wish I could say that without her thinking I have an agenda. Sadly not! She will think I am trying to be coercive through language and all that bollocks! This women is evil and anything I say or do positive backfires in some way, maybe I just risk it for the sake of the final hearing?

 

[Ash]

Good point! Mine would hurl abuse back if I said that.

 

[Richie1989]

I took your advice Ash and sent the full message you suggested containing the good mummy etc. my thinking is my ex would have been upset about what happened and she always struggled with things like that. So maybe some reassurance will be ok this time. If she replies with nastiness then so be it. I will just not respond. F she tries to restrict access or anything drastic I have messaged from her only 2-3 days ago pleading with me to accept the proposal and because I didn’t respond how she wanted me to she then started throwing her weight about. So if she does doing anything drastic it will sync with that and show that she’s decided to make such decisions just because I won’t comply with her proposal. Again I will just add it to my evidence of her control and manipulation as and when suits her

 

[Ash]

Hopefully you won't get abuse back but she will know you're right, that a week is too long. She probably won't reply in writing rather than risk anything she says being used as evidence. Your email is good evidence though as it shows you being reasonable and child focused.

 

[Richie1989]

So, todays been interesting!
Not heard from my ex after preferring to change todays 2 hour time slot with my daughter as it’s her birthday. Apart from her saying no “let’s stick to the order”.
Surprise surprise I get a message around 3pm (pickup at 4pm) asking if I could also do the return dropoff at 6pm as she doesn’t feel very well. So I obviously offered for my daughter to stay here so she could rest and I would also take her to gymnastics tomorrow then my ex doesn’t have to drive anywhere. Of course she refused and just said “I will just pick her up”. I said “ok, that’s fine I am happy to do return dropoff but I will run about 20 mins late”. Again she replied “just forget”. It felt like a test and I think she will also be wanting to drink which is fair enough it’s her birthday but why not just change the evening?!. Anyway, I expressed I am more than happy to do return leg and she did eventually agree. So I turned up at 3:45pm and for the first time her new partners car was parked on the drive. So now it makes sense! She answered the door totally fine not ill at all! Looking quite chuffed with herself. Anyway, daughter come running out to me jumped in my arms and we quickly left. I am wise to her games now and knew something was coming. So anyway, I got an extra 45 mins time with my daughter so I didn’t care. When I dropped her off my exs new partners car had gone. My daughter asked where he had gone and as I was walking back to the car to get my daughters I heard my exs voice getting louder the further I walked away making sure I heard what her new partner was bringing back with him. All for my benefit. Anyway, I dropped my daughters bag in the door and immediately left. So, I’m expecting the last 4 weeks before final hearing to be like this. No communication, being difficult and trying to do things to get a reaction. Obviously I won’t and I’m wise to her nonsense. It all makes sense now as well why she was being quite pleasant for a while it was in hope I accepted her proposal. We called that out! Could smell it a mile off but it was pleasant. Dod others find it similar when you got to this stage? The chess playing is tiring as it is but I think she going to keep upping her game. Any advice? Maybe ask for neutral dropoffs, maybe get my parents to do last few dropoffs before final statement deadline? But yes is this normal behaviour for me to expect?

 

[MagicJ]

Hey,

You've not got long to go, stay stoic!

If imagine that in times of stress people will try all sorts to trip you up & given the situation is imagine this is going to keep coming.

Not sure if I'd swap out the pickups, only because you've got to keep showing you can coparent and unless she's got a good history handing over with your family, that's also a risk.

Can you manage the 'grey rock' approach for another few weeks?

If so, I'd keep it all by the book for now, stick to the script and just hang on in there!

Well done for sussing them out, looks like they're an easy read and predictable now, don't let your guard down!

MJ

 

[Richie1989]

Hey,

You've not got long to go, stay stoic!

If imagine that in times of stress people will try all sorts to trip you up & given the situation is imagine this is going to keep coming.

Not sure if I'd swap out the pickups, only because you've got to keep showing you can coparent and unless she's got a good history handing over with your family, that's also a risk.

Can you manage the 'grey rock' approach for another few weeks?

If so, I'd keep it all by the book for now, stick to the script and just hang on in there!

Well done for sussing them out, looks like they're an easy read and predictable now, don't let your guard down!

MJ

Morning,

Thanks MJ

Yes very good point! Your totally right!
It’s not worth changing anything. I could be playing right into their hands! The good thing is I only have about 3-4 more pickups and dropoffs until we exchange final statements so I will just continue to do so with a smile on my face.
I have found the “grey rock” approach really helpful, made sense to me after scratching my head a lot over things. I intend to carry that approach on with them after court is over and done with. Hopefully at final hearing my daughter will get what she deserves and that will break my ex anyway, i think that’s when the games will settle down again and intense anger will return. We have got the financial settlement to sort as soon as child arrangement concludes. That will create some serious anger from them!
I won’t care even the slightest then though as my daughter will hopefully have what she deserves or at least very close to it.
Just keep smiling for my daughter! Not long to go now! I think sometimes when they go off the way they do it can cause indecision which then causes anxiety and it makes you feel you need to act upon that which 100% isn’t the case. Just keep doing what I’m doing.

Thanks MJ, was just needing that little bit of reassurance! Appreciate it. Nearly there. Come on!!

Karma is coming for them, and karma is a bitch!